Wanting to cut

teresapooh98 · Mar 01, 2012, 12:46 PM

My pdoc who is also my therapist will be home sometime this weekend. She went to florida for a conference for a week. My mom has also been gone for over two weeks to visit my grandpa in Florida who has a house down there(he goes down there for the winter months). I was supposed to go with her but at that time I was manic and didn't want to go for fear that I would end up in the hospital down there. On the bright side of not going there was that we were able to adjust my meds and make it possible for me to get out of the manic stage. I'm not sure why I want to cut. My mom is coming home tonight so that should a relief. I also have felt like crying a lot. My nerves are shot and I'm thinking of texting my pdoc but I don't want to scare her so I don't know what to do.

agma · Mar 01, 2012, 07:54 PM

Sorry you are struggling so much. How are you doing now? I can relate to wanting to cut but not knowing why. Being alone can be difficult when you are struggling emotionally. I'm glad your med adjustment worked well.

Towanda · Mar 01, 2012, 08:06 PM

Being alone when you want to cut is difficult. It makes it hard to focus on something other than cutting. You tend to want to stay inside your head - at least I do. Is there someone you could call to talk to? Have you tried going to the chat room as, at least, a temporary distraction? You can't talk about cutting there, but the general chat will get your mind off the subject for awhile.

I know it sounds hokey but do you have any distraction techniques you could use? There are a bunch posted for this thread - some work really great. I find holding ice cubes til my hands are numb or a blistering hot shower work well for me. Do you journal? Sometimes getting your thoughts down on paper helps them make more sense.

Hang in Teresapooh - try not to cut for just a little bit longer. If you want, post again and share what's going on and what's driving you to SI. I know for me, sharing my feelings in here always helps. Good luck

teresapooh98 · Mar 01, 2012, 08:46 PM

Technically I am not alone my dad is home but he is working down the basement but I don't tell him that I feel like cutting. I did tell my mom over the phone. The only thing that I can think that is triggering this (the thoughts have been going on for a couple of days) is that my mom is gone but returning tonight and that my pdoc left for Florida last Sunday and will be home sometime this weekend. My mom doesn't think I should text my pdoc and I'm not sure either. I have a hard time telling my dad things on how I feel. I can't even ask my dad for some money that I paid for groceries that my mom said that my dad said he would pay for the groceries. I think why I can't or don't trust my dad has to do with him being away most of my childhood because of his job. Life sucks at times. I will try not to cut, usually I scratch or use my watch at myself. I will try and be safe and not do anything.

teresapooh98 · Mar 02, 2012, 04:32 PM

I'm not doing much better but hanging in there. My mom is home so I can talk to her if I can get up the courage. I'm still very emotional. I have never stopped taking my meds and I take it when I am supposed too. I take meds like 6 times a day.

Sannah · Mar 03, 2012, 12:03 PM

You didn't have anyone to talk to for a week. Humans are social, we are not supposed to be isolated. Have you talked to your mom yet? Not interacting with your dad isn't good. Can you 2 work on this? Can you tell your mom and pdoc that you want to work on this?

Towanda · Mar 03, 2012, 03:25 PM

Glad to hear you're still hanging in - good for you! And that you haven't stopped taking
your meds - that's very important. Try to get up the courage to talk to your Mom and let her know how you're feeling. You don't have to talk about the cutting if you don't want to or don't feel you can share that right now. Most important is to get the emotions out and the thoughts out of your head so you don't sit with them.

Please continue to "hang on", just a little at a time if that's all you can do. And continue to post here, OK?

teresapooh98 · Mar 03, 2012, 03:47 PM

.I am not sure if I want to work on it with my dad. It's kinda like I don't want him to know a lot especially about the self harm. Thanks all for responding. I appreciate it. I'm kinda upset with my pdoc, I texted her last night and unfortunately she was just getting off of the plane. She wasn't much help but oh well. I see her Monday if I last that long. We shall see. I still feel like cutting at times.

H

Sannah · Mar 05, 2012, 10:20 AM

How are you doing today?

teresapooh98 · Mar 05, 2012, 04:28 PM

I am doing a little bit better since I saw my pdoc who is also my therapist. She made some changes to my meds and will make more on wed with my anxiety med. She wants me to get out and like go to the ymca but I just can't seem to be around people.

Sannah · Mar 06, 2012, 11:26 AM

Can she work with you on why it is hard to be around people?

teresapooh98 · Mar 07, 2012, 08:24 PM

Yes she can. Today we talked about some other stuff today so we will talk more about it on Friday. We watched my nieces today and with Nadija I really got agitated and irritated real easy. At some point it was like I was yelling at her and didn't mean too. I felt like crying many.times a day and did. I have like no friends I would like to get back together with my one friend but I have a fear she will reject me or that when we get together I'll have to leave the area fast.

Sannah · Mar 07, 2012, 09:42 PM

Do your nieces make you upset because things seem out of control when they are around? Have you been rejected by friends before? Do you sometimes panic and have to leave places?

teresapooh98 · Mar 08, 2012, 12:48 PM

yes that is correct Sannah. It's mostly nadija the 3yr old that upsets me because she sometimes doesn't listen but it's not all the time. It is mostly when she isn't feeling good and tired but she won't take a nap. Don't get my wrong I love her to pieces but I just can't handle them even the 9 month old Audrey gets my axiety and anger up. Starting in 7th grade we switched schools and that's when I started having no friends and being bullied and this lasted thru High school. I just can't handle being around out somewhere right now my anxiety is building because my mom and I are going shopping and I'm dreading it.

Sannah · Mar 08, 2012, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teresapooh98

I just can't handle being around out somewhere right now

Are you working on this with your pdoc? Do you think that subconsciously you think that there might be a bully around every corner?

teresapooh98 · Mar 09, 2012, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you working on this with your pdoc? Do you think that subconsciously you think that there might be a bully around every corner?

Sannah yes we are working on this and upping my anti-anxiety med to help me. She is trying to get me to exercise and doing the Wii and mostly just keep busy. What I fear is that someone is going to jump out at me and either scare me or rape me. Yesterday night while I was taking the trash out, my anxiety level was high and my paranoia was going up with fear something might happen.