[poptardqueen]

I don't know how many of you read my earlier posts about my concern for telling my T about my cutting, out of fear that she would put me in a hospital. I eventually came to the conclusion that I would write her a letter and tell her all about my cutting and its roots, since I knew I would never have the courage to mention it in session and just blurt out my deepest darkest secret. I wrote the letter, and after much debate, handed it to her at the end of one of our sessions. About an hour later she called my cell phone, and we talked a little bit about my cutting and such since I wouldnt be seeing her for the next two weeks because she was going out of state. I was extremely apprehensive about going to our next session, for I knew it would be hard to face her when she knew something no one else did, and something that I am so ashamed about. But I went, and I think the session went pretty well. One of the first things she asked me was to show her my cuts, I hesitated until about the end of our session, but I finally showed her the bulk of my cuts which were on my arm. During the session we talked all about what triggers it and how she is strongly suggesting that I go in inpatient for a while, but she said that she is by no means going to force me at this point (but this is mainly because I have still yet to work up the courage to tell her the extent of my suicidal obsessions cause I KNOW where this would land me.) Showing her my cuts was so hard, and I even made her cry because she told me that it really hurt her to see someone of my 'potential' (ha) hurt myself. I do feel better now that she knows, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. This also makes my very uneasy though, and there is more anxiety than ever when going to my T appointments. She suggested that I tell my Pdoc about my cutting at my next appointment, but I can;t honestly picture myself just blurting it out to him and reliving this situation all over again. She suggested that this info may help him decide on a medication that may help me stop (or at least not do it so often) seeing as she thinks it has become a sort of ritual which I must do to feel normal ( which is significant because I used to have the most extreme OCD from age 9 until about 13). The thing is that I don't want to stop cutting at this point. It is the only thing I look forward to. It seems like I think about it way more than I should. I keep telling myself when I am out that "i'll be better it I can just get home and cut." I don't think I am one of the most extreme cutters. I cut mainly on my forearms and some on my thighs, but have only gone somewhat deep a handful of times. More often they are just enough to part that first layer of skin and bleed. But everytime I cut I need to do MORE and go DEEPER in order to get that same feeling. My T detected that it is quite a dissassociative act, in which I zone out and am later somewhat shocked and scared of what I have done. Anyways, sorry this was so long. I just feel that at this point I;m only piling more and more problems on, and am past the point of even caring or wanting to get better. Mostly this is because I am afraid of getting better and not cutting because I feel that those closest to be (my T and Pdoc) will abandon me. I suck.

[PlanningtoLive]

Kelly,

We have sooooo much in common. I showed my pdoc today about the cuts on my thighs and my arms - he was shocked. Had no clue that it was that bad. I sliced my arm up very badly today.

I'm glad that your T knows......it will help in the long run. Mine has never suggested inpatient hospitalization, just had me detained once before.

I also don't go too far, but like doing it. It is all the time now as well. Scary, isn't it? Have you lost control over it? I have and that scares me even more.

Go easy with revealing the suicidal thoughts.......you may not leave a session or get picked up later like I was. Maybe you can work on the cutting issues now with your T - what triggers them, etc.

Mine gave me a homework assignment: every time I cut, I have to write down what happened before I did it and what I was feeling. Maybe you can try it as well. Might show a pattern of what triggers you.

Take care.......we can say extra prayers for each other, ok?

Mary Alice

[poptardqueen]

Mary Alice!

We certainly so have ALOT in common (which is either good or bad, depends on how you wanna look at it, ha). I am really dreading that conversation with my Pdoc. Last time I was talking to him about my basically giving up and slacking on taking my medication because I was pretty hopeless that it was working (and still am for the most part) he also pretty seriously suggested putting me in inpatient. I don't know why I;m so scared of that, but I'm terrified to even think about it. I'm sorry about your arm. I;m right there with you. It's been getting bad lately, and it's beginning to take over my life in more ways than it used to. I do feel like I've lost control. When I told my T that my cutting actually scared me, soe told me that she was scared for me because I myself was scared. She said that this loss of control can definately be extremely bad since most cutters tend to maintain a conscious control over it (at least in her experience.) She didn't really give me any homework, although your T's idea does sound like a good plan to get a picture on the reasons behind it. My only problem is that I seem to completely lose what I am feeling while I do it, and therefore don't even know why I'm doind it. Perhaps I'll try. She never suggested that I had to stop. She was telling me that basically my two options were to try & stop on my own, or go into inpatient where that wouls make me stop. Neither seems appealing. I will indeed be thinking of you, as we both seem to be stuck in the same trench, but it's nice to not be alone.

<3<3 -Kelly

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}},

Thank-you for telling us how you're doing. That had to be very hard to do, both to talk to your T about it and also to write to us about it as well. I do think that talking about it is going to be a good thing, at least in the long run, even though it's scary now.

That loss of conscious control can't be all that uncommon. One question that I keep being asked is, "Did you know what you were doing when you were doing it?" They wouldn't ask that if it weren't recognized that some people don't know what they are doing.

I think that as long as you are being honest about what is going on with you and you aren't imminently going to try to end your life or hurt someone else (it helps if you can give a reason why you won't), you will be allowed to make your own decisions.

My T was asking me about suicidality last time. I had told him that that was seeming like an option that made sense to me, but that I wouldn't do it. He wanted to know if I had visualized going through with it (yes - the visualization of who would most likely find me was what scared me the most), and was really concerned about that. He says that there is a part of you that doesn't distinguish between thoughts and reality, and that part of me now thinks that I have actually done it. That's a scary thought, isn't it? He's never even suggested inpatient treatment for me, but I guess he could make a case for it if he did decide to, couldn't he? I'm going to have to watch my steps for a while. Why am I telling you this? I just want you to be careful where you let those thoughts go, because you can cause yourself damage mentally too.

Please take care of yourself, and try to get better. Let your T and your Pdoc help you. They want you to be better, and you do have potential. What would you like to do with your life? You could do anything you want - you're still young.

Take Care!
Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[poptardqueen]

<3<3<3<3Wendy<3<3<3

Sorry I never really got back to your last message, Let's just say the past days have been trying, but I definately appreciate your help more than you could ever know. It was definately hard to tell them, but I'm trying my best to remain optimistic about it. My last visit with my T where we talked about me SI for the first time was quite cathartic, and one of the most successful sessions we've ever had. For once I didnt leave her office with the horrible guilt of not being able to tell her something that's on my mind. If anything it was a cleansing hour if nothing else.
I do think that the dissassociation aspect is rather common, she said that it was. Seeing as I find I use it for escape more than anything. I'm trying my best to be honest, but it's just so hard when I have to live in fear and censor my thoughts in order to be able to leave her office and not be committed. I've told my T the same thing about suicide seeming like a viable option too, and she told me that she couldn't let me go home unless I promised her I wasn;t going to do anything without calling her first ( which quite honestly I would never do because I honestly would never consider my insane fears worthy of encroaching upon her real life). I've been asked too if I've made plans on how to go about it (which I indeed have, I've researched it down to the very detail, and I know that this is where T's draw the line between real suicidal intentions). Of course I've never told her this, for I know that it would land me in the hospital. I've flat-out lied to her when she's asked me this, for it's something I just can't say out loud. I've thought about who would fins me too, but since I live away from home and with two roommates whom I barely see it honestly doesn't worry me. I think the only thing that has stopped me is the fear that something will go wrong and I will end up worse off (e.g. in a coma). I definately share your view of tip-toeing around my T as to what I say. I know it is definately not the best thing to keep secret, but I just can;t face this at the moment. I think that telling my T about the cutting was a big enough step for now ( which is ironic because I have been fighting the urge to cut all night, and just gave in for a while before I sat down) I wish it didn't feel so good.
But on a more positive not, thanks for the support. I;m trying to think of a future that is one I will enjoy, it's just so hard not to give up for a number of reasons that I will not go into. Anyways, you take care too : )

<3 Kelly <3

[PlanningtoLive]

Ahhhhhh Kelly, as I read over your response to mine and Wendy's post, all I could think of was how much we think alike. I also have things researched and planned down to exactly how and when.

I have a hard time lying to my T, I try to avoid answering him and of course, after all this time, he knows me very well. Which is why I was in the hospital in Sept.

I know what you mean by not remembering why you cut......I'm the same. I just seem to do it and then afterwards can't remember a thing about the feeling or circumstance before it (it's almost like having amnesia, isn't it?) He doesn't understand when I tell him that nothing triggered it, I just did it.

I know if I wasn't so tired today I would be cutting also. I have to let my arm heal for work purposes which is going to be very hard on me. I have to keep it wrapped up when not at home, with antibiotic ointment on it. At least I can't continue what I started with it covered up.

When I was in the hospital I was hyper because of my son. I was on 10 min. checks which were horrible and they kept the bathroom locked at all times. After I was let off of that, it wasn't that bad......course I was "pretending" to be fine since I needed to get out and be with my son.

You're never alone.........we're in the same spot together, be it a trench or a rowboat

Try to take care.

Mary Alice