[tomboy2011]

thank u all for trying to help me but i now see that no one can help me i am sorry

[SupernaturalLover]

Go to the hospital. This does not sound good. Please please keep yourself safe.

[tomboy2011]

i am 15 so my parents would know and that just cant happen

Tomboy,

whatever is going on, plz tell someone.

[crazylife]

People can only push or show you the right direction to help, real life long help comes from within. This sounds weird but one day i bet you will understand it, until then call a helpline, distract yourself or just remember in the darkest corner where all hope is lost - it's a corner go around it and there is a tiny bit of light.

Please stay safe.
x

[WePow]

so many things can hurt at 15 ... or at 40 for that matter
but pain can be worked through
there is joy and life out there .... somewhere....
and you really can find it
Sometimes when a person is not yet an adult but their mind is the mind of an adult, they feel very trapped in their world. And it can feel like there is no escape at the time. It is such a bad feeling to have. Being trapped stinks!

But being an adult DOES change things around. It doesn't fix everything, but it does allow you the freedom to find out for yourself if there is anything fun in life worth sticking around to experience.

I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. Can you write it out and let the world know what is causing you so much pain? You deserve your voice. Your pain deserves to be heard.

[tomboy2011]

idk what i causing this pain thats the problem

[Bill3]

How are you doing today?

[tomboy2011]

not to good tbh

[SupernaturalLover]

Just because you are 15 and your parents don't know doesn't mean that you shouldn't go to hospital. You feel unsafe therefore you need to go to a place that you can, or be around people that can force you to be safe. Tell your parents. In the long run you will be grateful for it. And to be blunt, when they find you dead and they think that if you'd just come to them that'd you'd still be with them, it'd break their hearts. They may be upset, but it is because they love you and want you to be safe. Don't throw that away because you are afraid of their reaction. Been there, done that. It is 99% of the time worse in your head. Take care of yourself, if not for yourself then for them.

[tomboy2011]

i did tell my mom and it didnt go well and it was a while ago she said she was a bad mother and she was didnt want me to be alone and making me want to cut more and more so i just told her i i stoped cutting and shes been to busy to get me a T so i have pulled away from her and now shes pushing me a lot today and i have SI 2 times today and idk i am realy scared of hospitals

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((tomboy))))

Sorry you are going through so much. I know that it is hard and I can relate to how you are feeling. When I was 15 I wanted out and I would SI just to have something to concentrate on rather than what was taking place at home. Trying to hide it so that no one would know was so hard and if I was not afraid to get into trouble I would not have cared, but the trouble I would face was worse than the SI. I did not want anyone to know for it was something for me to be able to escape during the long nights of interrogation and abuse I wanted to escape, I did not want anyone to know what I was doing to get through those long nights.

I had to grow up way to fast and never got to be a child. Even though I did not know how to be that adult I had no other choice. I never learned things that as a child we learn as we are developing, and as an adult I am now still lost and trying to learn those things now for the first time. I felt trapped with no escape for in truth there was no escape. I knew that my parents would never have let me go to the hospital, never. And I was scared of life and everything around me. The only thing that kept me going was sports. It was my only escape.

Finally I told someone that I wanted out and this person went with me to the school counselor, who brought in a Social Worker that for the last two years (really it started at the end of my Sophomore year) I talked to twice a week. We talked in the boiler room so that my parents would not know or find us as they would have never allowed it. I was so afraid to talk about anything specific but I would talk around it enough so that she knew something was not right. It got me through High School and then I moved away. I will not tell you it got better or easier but I was able to know someone was there.

It is not easy even as an adult now for me but I now have the ability to decide to talk or not. I have the choices I never had before and I am learning for the first time things I never learned growing up. Have you tried to talk to your school counselor or someone you trust? If talking to your parents is too hard and you feel unheard maybe that is something you could do. I am not saying not to talk to your parents but just giving you another option if you feel you could.

What you feel is important and what you have to say is important. You deserve to reach out and to get the help you need. I did not know that back then and did not know that I was important or even had a right to ask for help. I just knew I had to watch everything I said and did so that no one knew. Hiding it is so hard and those feelings you have will only grow in secret. You do not deserve to be hurt and I see that you are hurting through your words. My heart really goes out to you.

I know that feeling of no hope and that feeling no one can help. I still struggle with hope more than I like to admit. At times I can hold onto it but there are time that it feels there is no hope and that hope will never be for me. But the times that I can see hope and hold onto it for even minutes at a time it gives me strength to keep going. Sometimes others hold that hope for me until I can get it back. I am in one of those dark times now and hope feel so far away, but I know that it is there somewhere and it will come back if I just hold on and keep pushing forward. And I know that is easier said than done.

I don't know if anything I said helps, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone and there are many here that understand what you are feeling and going through even though our situations may be different that feeling of fear and hopelessness is the same. I do hope that you will keep reaching out and talking. Keep holding on and we will hold that hope for you until you can hold it yourself. You are worth hearing, you are important and what you feel is important. We do care and we are listening.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts if okay. Always.

dps

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tomboy2011

now shes pushing me a lot today

What does this ^ mean?

Sounds like your mom was feeling sorry for herself instead of helping you. Did you ask her about the T? (I think I remember talking to you about this before).

[tomboy2011]

she was telling me to clean and kinda said my life is sad and wanting to move things all day and that stresses me out and makes me want to SI she is to busy to look for a T for me

[tomboy2011]

(Have you tried to talk to your school counselor or someone you trust?) no i am homeschooled

[Sannah]

She told you that she is too busy to find a T for you or you are assuming she is too busy?

[The Saint]

Originally Posted by tomboy2011

thank u all for trying to help me but i now see that no one can help me i am sorry

Don't ever give up ! I felt this way for a very long time but soon came to the realization I had to take it one second one minute one hour one day one week one month one year at a time once I gave my self the permissons to take time and ride it out I relaxed once I did that it all started to fall into place one second one minute one hour one day one week one month one year at a time be safe and belive there is time to get well and you will ...

[tomboy2011]

i just assuming she is to busy with baby sitting and now she has a grandson she is kinda to busy for me tbh

[Sannah]

This is an assumption. You have the right to ask for what you need. She doesn't know what you need unless you tell her.

[tomboy2011]

i told her i stoped SI so idk

[roads]

Originally Posted by tomboy2011

she was telling me to clean and kinda said my life is sad and wanting to move things all day and that stresses me out and makes me want to SI she is to busy to look for a T for me

Do I have this right? Your mom homeschools you--do you keep up? She gives you a regular set of chores to do--do you do them? Do you babysit too?

She tells you that your life is sad? What does she mean by that?

You want to move things around all day? What's that about?

[Sannah]

Then she thinks you are okay then.

You need to tell her what you need.

[Towanda]

Tomboy, how are you doing? My thoughts and prayers are with you. So sorry you are hurting like this.

[For real]

I know when I was 14 I organized my own councellor and saw her every week. I had to do this without my parents knowing. I pulled it off for a year and a half but had to tell them when I ended up in hospital. Hope you can find the help you need

[2kidsandadog]

Tomboy,

As all adults over 20, we have been 15 and I can truly attest that it SUCKS!! When I was your age, I had an emotional meltdown, contemplated suicide and such. I actually went to my parents (actually aunt and uncle) and told them I needed to go away because I knew I wasn't well. The reciprocated and found me a Psych ward inside a major hospital for mental health treatment. It was the life saving 2 weeks of my entire life.

At that time, I was struggling in a private school and dealing with abandonment from two parent loss by aged 10. My father died as a result of alcoholism. I was forced to live with my very old fashioned aunt and uncle and have to say that in some ways being with them helped me, and yet scarred me for life.

I was in a "children are seen and not heard" environment. Can you imagine? Maybe you are in something similar. I am new here so I am just trying to shed some understanding on what that age meant to me, and how completely wrecked I was. I did get help, and have been able to overcome some of my very heavy obstacles.

Oh, I am 48 now!! Life gets better when you are able to be in control of who and what you are!