[littlemssunshine]

I am still struggling with frequent (like 4-20 times a day) thoughts of SI. I told my therapist about it and she told me to call her if I was on the verge of cutting. I just feel ridiculous txting her if I am not going to do it but am just thinking about it vividly. I am in a much better place, but self-hate is still something that punches me so hard and dominates frequently.

I just needed to let it out. Love you all dearly.

[Little Me]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I am still struggling with frequent (like 4-20 times a day) thoughts of SI. I told my therapist about it and she told me to call her if I was on the verge of cutting. I just feel ridiculous txting her if I am not going to do it but am just thinking about it vividly. I am in a much better place, but self-hate is still something that punches me so hard and dominates frequently.

I just needed to let it out. Love you all dearly.

I checked out your blog. Nice job, it takes a lot of work. I may be inspired. I need to do one for my job (teacher) and I want to have one for myself but I can't seem to get going with either.
Sorry about struggling. I have self-hate and I just don'really get it. Anyway, stay safe please. People care, I care.

[mazing]

I don't know what I can say except I am hearing you. The thoughts are hard to control but that you are resisting is an amazing achievement I think your therapist would be asking you to contact her if the thoughts become strong enough that you aren't sure you can resist them much longer, and you are very fortunate to have a therapist like that.

With the thoughts, for me the best thing I could do was to keep busy. If I found myself sitting around I focused on the thoughts and it became harder. If I kept myself busy with things - cleaning, working, painting etc. all of a sudden I would realise a) I had been extremely productive and got things done b) that I felt better with what I had acheived c) realised that the thoughts of SI weren't in the front of my mind any more. In time I could start to put them out of my mind more, even when not distracting myself with other activities. I tried to make the other activities give me the feeling of release and attempted to make myself feel good instead of SI.

It's not easy and I know personally that relapse happens but in time, and with help of therapy, it really can work.

You are doing so well Hang in there. You can do this

[littlemssunshine]

Thank you so much, both of you!!! I appreciate your support so much. I think I need to work on this a lot more and get better at distracting myself. Listening to music and thinking just make me think about it more.

Thank you again, loves. You have helped more than you know.

[Little Me]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

Thank you so much, both of you!!! I appreciate your support so much. I think I need to work on this a lot more and get better at distracting myself. Listening to music and thinking just make me think about it more.

Thank you again, loves. You have helped more than you know.

The distracting is the key for me. I distract so much I often run myself ragged but that is far better than being in my head and listening to the bad stuff. Some of distracting is finding stuff you like to do. It shouldn't be a pain. Sounds like you enjoy music, so there are many things that can be done with music. Walking outside is a great way to get some exercise and enjoy some fresh air which is helpful for us kind of people.
Keep in touch. Maybe you can make a list of things you can do when you need to distract yourself. With that list already made it might help you to make a choice when needed.

[Sannah]

Is the self hate what is triggering the SI urges?

[littlemssunshine]

Most of the time, yes, Sannah. I will do something, feel ashamed/stupid/embarrassed, and get really upset with myself. Then I can't get it out of my head how terrible of a human being I am and will spend a long time thinking about hurting myself. I keep trying to distract myself, but I definitely need to find new ways that actually take my mind off it AND new ways to build my self-esteem. I keep shoving myself into a deep pit, getting frustrated, and getting angry.

I feel like an awful human being who can't handle many things right. Ugh, I felt a little better last night, but finally txt my therapist today because I was too depressed and in pain to leave the house. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, and a couple months ago, I was fine, stable, and in a good place. What the heck??? It's like all my DBT skills washed away.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you have impossible behavioral standards for yourself? It is normal to be awkward. This IS the human condition.

[littlemssunshine]

You might be right. I am just drowning in anger and disgust with myself. I feel like I am always letting myself down. I just want to be proud of myself. I want to feel stable again, but every morning, I wake up upset at myself and wanting to cut so much. The only thing stopping me is my therapist's disappointment to be honest. I feel so awkward and... bad. Like I'm a bad person. Ugh.

I am going to talk to her today. It's become too much to handle on my own. Thank you for your love and listening. It means everything.

[Sannah]

Sunshine, do you understand where the self hate originally came from? You are welcome

[sorter]

If you want to "fix" this, stop struggling.
Try to have SI thoughts 200 times a day.
Thinking and doing are different things.
(Reverse psychology? I think not. Reverse psychology is struggling against what
your mind wants to do)
Look at the thoughts as a metaphor. Try to see how your mind is trying to help
you by having those thoughts.

Off hand I'd say your body just wants attention. Most bodies do.
For that there's exercise, sex, massage, yoga, SI etc.
I wouldn't choose SI.

[Angelornot]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I just feel ridiculous txting her if I am not going to do it but am just thinking about it vividly.

I think it's better to text her and not do it than to not text her and do it.

[littlemssunshine]

I reached out to her, and she checked in on me a couple times yesterday. I sucked because I couldn't stop thinking about it and told her how distracted I was all day. (The ADD medicine may have had major side effects, but dang, I could finally focus!!)

I am feeling better today though. It's a new month and I am staying optimistic that it will improve. I just have to think and try harder to change my action patterns so my thoughts can change too.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses and ideas. I am going to try to start exercising more and channeling my emotions positively. Thanks guys!!!!!!!

Grateful,
Sunshine

[mazing]

Glad to hear you are doing a bit better sunshine

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I just have to think and try harder to change my action patterns so my thoughts can change too.

Yes, actions affect thoughts but thoughts also affect actions and emotions affect both too. They all interact in all directions. It didn't go unnoticed to me that you ignored my last question. What we experienced in the past places thoughts in our heads and these thoughts will continue to stay with us and affect us until we go back to that time and process the whole thing so that the thoughts can be uprooted.

[littlemssunshine]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yes, actions affect thoughts but thoughts also affect actions and emotions affect both too. They all interact in all directions. It didn't go unnoticed to me that you ignored my last question. What we experienced in the past places thoughts in our heads and these thoughts will continue to stay with us and affect us until we go back to that time and process the whole thing so that the thoughts can be uprooted.

You're totally right. I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to ignore your question! I think the self-hate has almost always been there. I am really sensitive to how others perceive me and ever since I was in middle school, I started to feel like something was fundamentally wrong with me. I still feel like I just mess things up and can never be the best version of myself. You are right that actions feed into thoughts and vice versa. I need to stay calm and stop black-and-white thinking. I just hate how much I get upset at myself and how my instincts are to self-harm. I am a work in progress.

Thanks, Sannah, for listening and encouraging me to think about it.

[Sannah]

But do you understand where the self hate came from and how it developed? This is the key to unraveling it.

[littlemssunshine]

I guess I don't really understand. That's something I have to really think about. :/

[sorter]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I guess I don't really understand. That's something I have to really think about. :/

I don't agree that you need to understand your impulse.
You just need to stop resisting it (in your mind, not acting it out).
Resistance can perpetuate the impulse and resistance itself is unpleasant.

That's why I suggested that you try to think about it 200 times a day.
Planning to think about is the opposite of resisting it.
Your mind will see it as something you accept. Something you can take or leave.
Something you can easily choose to do, or not.

[Sannah]

If you hate yourself this came from somewhere. It came from when you were growing up. Who mistreated you? (If you don't mind me asking).

[littlemssunshine]

I honestly don't know. I have always (even since I was small) been really sensitive to how others felt or reacted to me, and I think that's a big part of how I have based my opinion of myself.

[Sannah]

Maybe you think this person's mistreatment of you was normal then?

[littlemssunshine]

That's possible. I guess I don't really think I was mistreated; I was just really sensitive to how anyone (parents, family, friends, classmates, teachers, etc.) reacted to me. I think I wanted to belong and felt different and hypersensitive to emotions, even when they probably weren't there. Cutting is my natural instinct when I am overwhelmed, mess up something, etc. It's not necessarily when someone else does something; it's me.

[Sannah]

How were people reacting to you (if you don't mind me asking)?