i dont understand whats going on

Whats going on?

Why do I keep hurting myself?

I dont even want to. I dont like the pain. I dont like looking at my cuts they make me feel sick. So why do I keep making my cuts deeper and deeper? I want them gone but I want.to do more and worse ones.not just these pathetic ones. Im scared. Im going to put a dressing over my arm so hopefully I'll leave it alone. I wish I.didnt have to set these boundadies for myself.

Does anyone.else not like the pain? I have to shut myself out of it and make myself cut because I dont want to.I dont want the pain but I want the cut I want to bleed but then I want.it gone.

Hellpp!

This last 'episode' yes. I hated the pain but the imagery was what I wanted.

You must be getting some relief or you wouldn't do it. Does your T know how you are doing?

I dont know. The first time I did it I was really suicidal and I just didnt care and I wanted to hurt myself. But I still had to shut my eyes and make myself do it. I just needed to do something to be in control.
Since then, I havent been so bad. But its like because the cuts there I might as well keep re opening it and making it deeper and deeper. But I want it gone. I wish I could just leave it alone. Ive got to be back in uniform soon, and that involves short sleeves. It needs to heal.
**** im freaking out.
Yes my T knows. Shes not overly concerned because I have so many other problems in my life to deal with at the moment.

And this ^ is why you do it.

What is making everything feel out of control if you don't mind me asking? (Or are you discussing this with T?)

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this (((hugs)))

Is there anything else that helps at all? What about trying to get into a routine of doing some self-care, like doing some nice little things for yourself, however small?

The fact that everything is out of control, to be honest.
Before my Nan died (4 months ago) I had everything nicely sorted. I fed her, looked after her. I worked hard at uni. I was really strict with everything with myself. I had new clothes, I had money, I had a life.
Since my Nan died everythings just spiralled. I have no money where Ive just been completely out of control as I have had a few 'manic' episodes. I used to eat really regimented and am really **** about my weight. Ive put on nearly a stone since she died and I feel disgusting. Ive been wearing one of my grandads tops for the past 4 days cause I havent been home to get changed.

Its disgusting I want to be back to the old me and be in control. But at the same time maybe I need to lose a bit of control to get over the issues in my past.

Thanks TR, I do try and distract myself. But its just like any minute I get, whether it be waiting on the bus or sitting in the bath I just start picking at my arm. I CANT leave it alone. But I know I need to stop. I cant sucumb to this. If my Nan could see me she'd be so disappointed.

Have you grieved your nan?

This may be a stupid idea but have you tried putting an elastic band on your wrist and snapping it instead?

Hurts a lot. Doesn't leave cuts.

No I havent. I held my Nan till she died. And I cried. Then I left her there. I started the grieving process 'normally' I believe with my Auntie here. But my Auntie lives in australia and she had to go back. Then I just stopped. I had to carry on with work and everything so I gave myself no time to grieve.
Everythings just got worse and worse. Ive now been signed off of work for depression and anxiety. Since Ive had more time off Ive started to grieve again. I went to my Nans old care home and cried 2 days ago. Today I remembered more of the night she died in therapy (Id blocked it out completely) and I got really emotional. It felt good. Now, I feel like I'm back where I was in the weeks after her death. Everything reminds me off her like it did just after she died. It hurts but I needed to go here.

I just wish I had done this before Id started self harming again. Cause now I feel guilty for doing it cause shed be disappointed and I tihnk its becoming a bit of a cycle.

Ive had people say that to me before, TR. But its not the pain I like. To be honest I hate the pain, it makes me feel sick. Everytime I look at my arm it makes me feel sick.

Thanks for the support though

I'm sure that your nan was a very forgiving woman? So she would forgive you for this? I'm glad that you are giving yourself time to grieve now. I'll bet your nan was a wonderful woman?

I think we would. My Nan was very supportive. If she was still her I probably wouldnt have done it anyway, not that I'm blaming her.

My Nan was everything to me.

I have gone to a few conferences on grief and I learned this one thing to do which seemed really helpful. The speaker said that we should "reconnect" with our loved one. We can still have conversations with them and continue to cherish that relationship. Their relationship with us will always be with us and that we shouldn't let go of that. (The history of it).