[drunksunflower]

ok bad title

last week i had a little fun with a razor blade

i know its not often compared to most and it isnt even really a problem

but i was so upset and needed to get back to reality

and now i regret it so much

i dont know what to do really, im not going to a therapist and im not going back to dr and i just want it all to be fixed.

sorry to ramble

[sujunew]

sorry I haven't caught up with you recently, and sorry to hear things aren't going so great. It is sooo hard finding a way to 'return to reality' when you don't even really know where you are right at that moment, or which way to turn. I get 'told off' in a light way by my nurse if I don't ring the team down here at those times- she just doesn't want me hurting myself- but it is really hard. Have you considered asking the doc about anti-anxiety meds that you could take only if you get the thoughts about SI- that way you wouldn't be on regular meds but would have a back-up if things got to this stage again? One that I am on can really help numb those thoughts and I am on a really low dose. Oh, and have you heard about SA? TC

[zombiette]

hey kiwi i've dabbled with a bit of self-harm before and it's sort of come and gone with my depression. the thing is though, u can become sort of immune to the reality of what ur doing. u regret it at first, but it soon becomes normal to u. u don't need to self-harm frequently or badly for it to be a problem, the fact that ur turning on urself like that is in itself enuf to constitute a problem. i'm seeing a psychologist atm and occasionally i will self-harm or get the urge to do it (mind u, i've gotten a lot better, like every couple of months as opposed to everyday!), and she asks me what was doing thru my mind, what exactly i was doing leading up to it,etc,so i see what triggered it off. i also have some strategies to hold out when i have the urge...like i'll bargain with myself to hold out for an hour and in that hour i'll try to do something productive and then i can usually resist. hope this helps

[Rapunzel]

DSF, it really makes me sad for some reason that you are starting this. I know that sometimes I lose sight of what's the harm in it as concerning myself, but when it's someone I care about, I think this is a road that won't get you anywhere but lost. Please turn back before it becomes a lot harder. If you have a need for this, that means that you do have some emotions or something that maybe you aren't even aware of, and it is overwhelming your capacity to deal with it. I know that you aren't in therapy, but would it be an option for you to give it a try? Cutting will only make it worse, and even medication masks the symptoms without teaching you to cope with the feelings or gain real control and find the balance in your life.

Rap

[drunksunflower]

thank you for ideas n suggestions.

rap i dont know about the therapy thing i dont think its very me. i feel like if i just got control of the depressive thing then i wouldnt get upset and have the need to get myself back to sanity/less stupidly all over the place. but i dont even seem to be able to do that (and yes i suck at taking AD's).

zombiette: i will try your suggestion. it sounds very sensible. i dont think i have really strong urges it seems to only happen when something else has got me upset.

irish: the problem with that is that i would have to tell doc about it and i really really really don't want to do that. he has given me lorazepam before for sleep and said i can use a little for anxiety (he has some idea that i have that but i dont really think i do, i just freak out badly when i go to dr, i get shakey and have to try not to cry and madly fidget with jewellery n stuff and i can see how that might be mistaken for anxiety).

sigh.

thank you for being so sweet n replyin.

x

[drunksunflower]

wow 3 kiwi girls in this thread ... heh!

[Rapunzel]

What are you willing to do to try to get rid of the depression? You're intelligent. Maybe you could pull it off with self-help books or something. They can work if you have the discipline to follow through with the exercises and things that they tell you to do, and not just read and think "oh, that's nice" or something.

Would you consider e-therapy? It's not so bad, and you would have individual attention from a real person who can guide you and help you stay on track.

What other ideas do you have?

Rap

[Rapunzel]

I noticed that the site was starting to tip towards the Southern Hemisphere, so I knew I needed to reply, for balance, you know.


Rap

[sujunew]

exactly wat i was thinking!!!

[drunksunflower]

i been trying the celexa and it works when i take it and doesn't when i forget a few days (well duh)

maybe self help ...that is not a bad idea .. i dont know where i would start to look for books tho ...

i just dont like myself much at all right now

if the boy i seeing finds out about the si that will be that ... he thinks i taking my meds properly ... i always seem to mess everything up

[Rapunzel]

I wasn't entirely satisfied with the searches I did on Amazon. You can take a look and see if there is anything that appeals to you there:

Amazon search - Depression

I was hoping that some of the books I have used would turn up, but they didn't. I'm not sure which ones will resonate with you, and I haven't finished working through most of these, but here are some that I have used and have gotten some benefit from:

Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy by David Burns. I had this one a long time ago and it's a start. It is about self-treating your own depression.

The Feeling Good Handbook Also by David Burns. More compehensive. I haven't finished reading it yet. These are both cognitive-behavioral.

Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield. More of a psychodynamic approach - inner child work, adult children of dysfunctional families (alcoholics, etc. - it actually can apply to almost anyone). This one was powerful for me.

A Gift to Myself Also by Charles Whitfield. This is a workbook to go along with the other. I'm a few chapters into the workbook now, and I do really like it. The author recommends taking your time (months or years to get through the whole thing) working through the workbook.

Choosing Lightheartedness by Kari Joys. She structures the book to be completed over 33 days - one day to read a chapter and the next to work on the exercises and let it sink in. I have not been able to go that fast. In fact, I got stuck on about the third chapter because I was not able to be quite so positive with myself yet. It does have potential if you pace yourself. I have even written to the author and she wrote back! And wrote to me again later.

That should give you a place to start. I'd love to hear if you try any of these, and what you think. If I think of more I'll post them. You could also check the resources here, and ratings, and see if you find anything there that you are interested in.

Rap

[drunksunflower]

thank you Rap you are very kind and i promise i will check some of them out.

xx

[(JD)]

(((DSF)))) I'm sorry you were in that situation. You can't fight this on your own, imo...but need to find a T. You don't have to own up to the self harm, because as I have shared here on site before, self harm is a symptom...if you will work on the cause, it will stop.

PS the Feeling Good Handbook is very good

[drunksunflower]

i can do books but not T.

im so freaked that i am so pathetic sometimes

this is not me

[zombiette]

hey again drunksunflower,

i was quite liking the southern influence on this post so felt i should add my two cents worth from the mainland yet again : p

i've struggled with depression for a while too and i used self-harm and anorexia to try and mask it, but it didn't make the pain go away - it only made things worse, and i never told anyone for so long, but when i finally started talking about it, things got so much easier. just out of curiousity why do u not think u can see a T? self-help books are a good idea tho i think. also, is there anyone at all u could talk to about this? if not the cutting at least the depression? ur not pathetic, its perfectly understandable that ur freaked.

take care and hope u are feeling a bit better by the time u read this

[drunksunflower]

i never SI'd ... i used to have bulimia and not fully over that but mostly i have got rid of it

i dont really know where the SI came from ... it has only be maybe a handful of times over the past few years.

i have a wicked job, apartment, friends ... one (the guy i am sort of seeing right now) knows about most of it ... but i think he has been through so much with me in the past that SI would be the last straw.

arrrrrghhh this sucks

thank you again for your reply babe

i read in a post of yours that you feel you got intelligence, looks etc ... and a poopy brain chemistry. well i feel EXACTLY the same way.

dumb huh!!!!!! maybe being less smart and more emotionally stable would be better ... but is that WHY people are more emotionally settled ... because they are less intelligent ... gotta love chicken and egg stuff eh

[Rapunzel]

There are many types of intelligence. Sometimes people with very high intelligence in the areas traditionally measured by IQ tests can be missing social and emotional intelligence, which I think would serve more to protect against these kinds of challenges. But mental illness affects people of all intelligence levels.

[zombiette]

rap- it's true that there are many different types of intelligence...one thing i think tho is ppl who are more intellectually/academically smart tend to think too much and maybe that's the problem!

drunksunflower - i know what u mean, it's like on one hand you have everything but there is just something missing which leaves u feeling like u got nothing. comforting to know someone else in this country has the same problem lol!

p.s. apparently SI and eating disorders have a lot in common in terms of underlying causes,etc...at least that's what i've heard.

[drunksunflower]

yesss well put Z