I did it again

TRIGGER??? I told the crisis therapist that I keep wondering why I tell reach out when I'm at that point and not just takethe pills wwithout anyone knowing. And that if I were seriously thinking about suicide that I'd do it with pills. I'm surprised she let me go after saying that. But she's on call this weekend and I see her Monday so that's probably why.

I was in a very similar place for way too many years with the OD's....I actually lost my pdoc because of the OD's. I think he thought the ultimatum would shake me up enough to stop.....because it was almost like that was the action that had become my response to the stresses I was going through.....but it didn't happen because actually at that point I didn't want to live any longer.

What I have realized almost 20 years later is that I had some serious issues going on with my bad marriage & everyone including myself thought it was about my loss of my engineering career. Sometimes we have serious issues that seem to be hiding under so many other things that ends up really being the reason for the OD's.

Sounds like you do have a lot going on in your life right now......I know that school is stressful.....but then again....so is life after school when we are trying to make the career happen.......sometimes when we are at points like that, it's really important to analyze all the reasons for why we are reacting in that way......it's usually an indication that some serious changes are needed in our life if we feel that OD'ing is our only way out because it's usually an indication that we are trapped in something that is making our life very miserable.

I turned out that yes, I was trapped in loosing my career because aerospace industry in Calif fell apart at that point in my life & at 43, I couldn't get another position as an firmware engineer anywhere.....& worst of all was being trapped in a bad marriage from the beginning come to realize that my career was my escape from my bad marriage.....so it was a double whammy that I didn't see clearly at the time......sometimes it's the hidden issues in our life that are the real key as to why we are reacting with the OD's.

I think that your T may be trying to set up the ultimatum for the same reason my pdoc tried.......but in reality....you need to really figure out why this is your reaction & what it really is in your life that is so bad that's it's causing you to react in this way?

I understand the struggle.....I also know that there is a solution....that takes quite a bit of analysis regarding your life to better understand your actions.....not easy without a good T......I never had a good T until after I Ifinally left my H 6 years ago......which was about 13 years I first started having serious issues with anxiety & depression.

I appreciate your advice, and I understand what you mean about looking at what's going on to figure out why I'm doing this. Frankly, I feel like I can't escape all the stress and responsibilities. I know, being an adult is full of responsibilities. But between school, two kids, one of which I have to deal with his school on a daily basis, his therapist, his OT. Then my oldest brother is now living with me and it's like I have another child living in my house because he relies on me to do take him here/there. And lately it's as if I'm failing at keeping everything 'perfect', and it feels like I don't have any control anymore. If my son has a bad day at school, I'm the one who they call and I feel like I'm being attacked. I'm doing horrible in my class right now, the one class that I was waiting for.

I'm exhausted and I don't know how much longer I can keep up.

Sounds like some wise mind thinking would be a good thing......maybe you could take this information to your T & he could help you think through what changes you can make right now to lessen your stress......sounds like your brother living with you is about the last thing you need.......maybe your T can help you with some boundaries & maybe help you understand that they aren't attacking you about your son even though it's how your emotions are feeling. I know that postponing a class isn't anything I would have ever wanted to do......but maybe you can talk with your school & possibly take an incomplete in the class & go back I finish it next semester after maybe more things have calmed down or you have been able to find some help & maybe a better place for your brother?

Really sounds like what would help you best is a lot of problem solving techniques & someone to help you work through to help you see your options & how to set the options in motions for your well being.

If you have a breakdown (I've been there also)......you won't end up with any other option than not finishing the class.....so maybe it might be better to try & postpone finishing it under your own control.

I can definitely understand the stress you are feeling.....there is no one dealing with all of that that wouldn't be feeling that horrible out of control feeling that you are experiencing........maybe you could even have your T write a note for your school saying that it's for your mental health that you need to take an incomplete this semester.....that way also you don't have to take a grade either if it works like the incomplete I ended up having to take one semester.

Unfortunately I'm in nursing school, and if I stopped going I'd have to wait another year to get back in. But I do have a break this week and I only have 3 more days of classes afterwards and have a break until mid January.

Thank you for responding.

Take care of yourself Amy, okay? You're such an incredibly sweet person, and you don't deserve to have such anxiety and depression all the time. I hope you take me up on my offer one of these days, to pm me, if you ever want to talk about anything - I'm always here on PC, several times a day, and I would love to get to know you better, or just lend a listening ear during a dark time. Hang in there

I remember being in a very bad place at work & it was right at this time of year & I had hoped that if I got to Christmas vacation & had the 2 weeks off of work that I would be able to gather myself back together.....by that point I was so messed up that I kept calling in sick after the new year.....& that was back in 1994 when we had the California Earthquake in Northridge & it ended up collapsing the freeway between where I lived & where I worked....that gave me a few more weeks off because there was no way I could physically get to work......then I tried to get back & it was a 6 hour drive one way. My problem at work was being trapped in a department that I hated the work & the director wouldn't allow me to transfer back to the technical engineering area that I really was ok with. I have noticed that any time a trapped feeling hits me, I totally fall apart any more......those were the first times I was ever trapped anywhere.....but I know that the feeling of being trapped in any situation does take it's toll of us psychologically & it's then when we think of the OD as our escape.....the only way out.....when in reality there are other ways but when we are feeling trapped, it tends to shut off the mind's thinking & makes it almost impossible to think through other possibilities.....like getting rid of other stressors so that we can handle the things that are important in our life.

Posting here is good.....something I didn't have available back in the days before internet.

My DBT group has also been another good therapy where before the T's I went through just sat there listening to me talk without feedback......they would call back if I called about feeling suidical & I had several who did call 911 & I ended up in the hospital....but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy & have been doing since I left my H is wonderful....it teaches skills to be able to be mindful & aware of our thoughts & why we think our thoughts & skills to distract & other technicques to get through major distress situations....along with the mindfulness to figure out what changes are necessary to counteract the distress if at all possible......DBT also helps deal with emotions & skills to regulate them.....for me I never recognized all the emotions I felt other than anger.......& the other set of skills has to do with interpersonal effectiveness which deals with expressing what we know we need in a way that we can usually get the other people to understand & accept & not feel bad about expressing what we need.......all skills I realized I had never learned but some of which I had been using most of my life.....there was so much of the DBT that I was completely learning new & learning how to apply it to life.

I ended up cutting last night and have the urge to take a bunch of pills today. I just can't escape the stress and daily hell. I've been in so much pain lately every time I eat so I'm losing weight and barely eating. My husband wants me to go to the doctor but I don't want to see her after going to the er I onow she probably got a copy of the report. And my kids have been little spawns of satan and not listening and just were horrible at my family get together yesterday. I just need to escape and if I have to do that with pills so be it.

If you are feeling stress at this point in your life trying to get through nursing school......do you really think it's going to be that much better once you start to have the stress of a career in nursing?

The thing is in DBT, we have learned that when we are having a problem....there is a reason.....& like you say...it's usually the stress we are under & the only way to solve the problem is to analyze the stresses & figure out what we are able to get rid of because it's NOT HANDLING the stress to be dealing with it the way you are.

I know I went through a change in direction of my education because there was no way I could handle the direction it was going in & I was a music major at the time.....but I never would have made it to my degree if I had kept going.....I had to reassess my life & figure a different direction.

It comparison.....I ended up in an firmware/software engineering career....but after 15 years....there was some serious stressful situations I went through when the career wasn't going well.....the problem was I was trapped in that situation with no way out....& I ended up having a complete breakdown & ended up on permanent disability.....the point is.....when we get into situations where our stress is too great for us to handle (which by the way you are responding to your stress, that's exactly what your actions seem to be saying)......if we aren't able to make the changes & keep pushing ourselves.....our body & mind will NOT CONTINUE & the problems will only get greater until the point where we can't function any longer.....in reality, it's better to analyze our life before it gets to that point & make necessary changes using our wise mind rather than destroying our lives permanently.

Your body & your mind (with the cutting for relief) is telling you that you are beyond what you can handle & you need to make some serious changes in your life.....don't know if you have a T....but it would be a good thing to talk your situation over with them if you do & see if you can get some help to analyze the situation you are in.

It's important to understand that we all have our limitations & it has nothing to do with being a disappointment......most people in your overload situation wouldn't be able to handle it either.....but wisdom tells us when we get to that point that we need to sit back & analyze where we are going & how we are doing it & make the necessary changes to survive. It's better to have reasonable & attainable goals in our lives than ones that we are struggling just to survive from day to day. When we are in that sort of position....one little bump in the road & we end up loosing everything.....& there is so much more to life than living that way.

Hope you will be able to sort through all of this with your T....& really sit back & figure out a better direction....one that can make your life go in a more positive direction.

It's not nursing school that's the cause of most of my stress, It's just part of it. I've been in college for different majors for 7 years. I love school and its usually a distraction to me. Holidays are a big trigger for me. Two years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy got evicted and my husband lost his job right before the holidays. Last year we lived with his brother and girlfriend and they threatened to kick us out right before Christmas. This year I have major surgery five days before Christmas. I have my oldest brother living with us who is schizophrenic and relies on me for everything. It's like I have another child. Then my oldest has sensory processing disorder and this year is the first year we're having to deal with the treatment and therapists on top of constantly working with his school.

I look forward to school. It just is a coincidence that I messed up at school last week. Usually it's the one thing I feel I'm good at.

Your T knows you well I"m sure....your T would be the best one to help you work through all those stressors & help you see what changes might be possible........we always tend to think we are superwoman but when the stress gets too much......something ends up giving....& it's usually our mental or physical health & then we end up not being able to succeed in anything......& that tends to leave us feeling totally useless.

Changes always feel impossible....but continuing on the same path can end up just as impossible in the end. Sounds like issues that you could really use some good problem solving help with from your T IMO.

We're working on dealing with the anxiety and panic attaks. I'm not sure if that's what you meant. Our main focus right now is to keep me safe during the holidays, then we'll go back to figuring out other things I can work on changing.

Hey Amy, just checking up on you - how was your Thanksgiving, and how have you been? I hope you've been holding in there, I'm sending you so many hugs. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you!

This week has been stressful to say the least, and last night was the worst. Ive been cutting almost every day, twice on Wednesday which is more than I've done in a week ever. Then last night I broke down and took a few pills but stopped myself from taking all of them and called the crisis line. Trying to hang in there. Thanks for thinking of me. How was your thanksgiving?

((Amy))

I understand how that FEELS like a slap in the face, but is it really? I hear two things: 1. T is trying to help. 2. He has a plan.

I understand that now, I just wasn't expecting him to say any of that when I saw him.

So is his plan working?........that's the real important question....many times we have plans...but they don't work as planned & we have to go back & figure out a new plan of attack that hopefully will work better.

If you end up doing something serious to yourself, you won't finish the semester like you are trying to do......sometimes we have to really focus on our true desire & work toward that without doing anything to mess it up.

So far it's working and I'm working very closely with both therapists through this holiday.

And thankfully I just have to get through Monday and the semester is done.