[dalila]

Not sure where to post this, at the moment all my issues seem to be intertwined. I have been having the most horrendious nightmares --I am somewhere safe amd comfortable and I see a shadow, look up and know that this person is going to hurt me. So far it has been a man I don't recognize or my mother, I seem to be quite small in the dream, cos the person is HUGE. Whatever she or he is going to do I have no ideal because just the sight is so scary I jolt awake all panicked. Needless to say, it is difficult to get back to sleep afterwards. So I am back to avoiding sleeping which isn't a good plan cos then I want to si more.

Added to this is a thread on a parenting group I belong to. One of the moms caught her daughter assaulting her son. I feel so much pain for everyone involved and so much more guilt. I really tried to think about what would it be like to not feel guilty to forgive myself and what am I getting out of feeling guilty. I keep coming to the same conclusion, if I didn't feel guilty for what I did I would feel guilty for not caring enough about what I did. I long for some peace and yet accept that I don't deserve it. So far I haven't cut since I saw therapist but the urge is awful. I feel so vile and miserable. I hate feeling I really wish I could go back to the place where I felt nothing, nothing at all.

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{Dalilah}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Lets think of plans to help you get back to sleep. Having had a week of nightmares myself I know how difficult it can be. When I wake up from my nightmares I lay there in bed not willing to get up because I am so afraid that I will SI because dreams are such a big trigger. The worse they are, the less sleep I get, the more tired I get and the more I injure myself. It is a terrible thing.

Here is what I have found that help a little:
I keep a rosary next to my bed and when I wake up and say some sort of mantra as I run the beds through my hands such as "Dreams can't make me do anything." Not elloquaint but it helps.

I keep a bottle of water next to the bed. Drinking water tends to calm me.

I have a dream journal next to the bed. Sometimes writing down and analyzing my dream helps me get some peace.

Having said those things I would like to add that I am not good at coping with the nightmares. I have all these things set up and usually end up lying there in a ball afraid to move, my mind running 100 miles per hour BUT when I do break through the paralysis these things seem to be helpful. I ended up havign to call my Pdoc and get a perscription for some ambian. So here is another hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dalilah/Zen}}}}}}}}}}}}}for me and you.
Take care,
Carrie

[PlanningtoLive]

Seems that when you talk to a T you start experiencing feelings again - and I don't like that either. I told mine so - how much easier and less chaotic my life was till I met him.

Try to deal with the emotions as best you can. I stay up quite awhile till I know that I am really exhausted. Seems to cut down on my dreaming.

Mary Alice

[dalila]

Thank you for the ideals. I am just so bummed again. I slept better last night for having talked about it all but then I was snoring or moaning and my dh tried to get me to stop and I jolted awake with a shriek. He was upset and wnated to know why I was having bad dreams and what I was worrying about that made me react like that. I didn't know what to say.

My therapist has talked about grounding myself when I have these kind of things happen, that helps but after the fact. She talked about doing it before I try to sleep but my dh is wanting my attention then. So I end up too tired to think about where and how I am. Sometimes it seems as if being single would be a lot easier but the relationship between us is the only one that has endured without me shutting down or shutting the other person out. Mostly cos he won't let me shut him out.

I guess I will keep feeling things -- there are some feelings that are not so bad. Just after years of stuffing all the bad ones, I am overwhelmed with them now. staying up doesn't seem to help. I either stay up all night and most of the next day or I doze off now and again only to jolt awake with that dream or one of slipping and falling. Each set of nightmares seem to relate to an area of my life I am working on or my mind is getting me ready to work on.(UGH)

~D~

[PlanningtoLive]

That's what my T tells me too - I "stuff" my emotions till they explode.

He's using this technique called "mindfulness" where you simply acknowledge an emotion when you feel it - no analyzing, no nothing.........just "I feel angry" and then let it go.

It is supposed to get you to learn to acknowledge the emotion and sense them. I'm not fond of exercises, makes me feel stupid but I am trying them anyway.

My erratic sleep times are causing me problems. I fell asleep in a store today at the mall - I was so embarassed.

Take care, please.

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

Dalila,
What do you mean by grounding? I mean what method does your T suggest. I have done grounding in ritual practice but it never occurred to me to ground after a nightmare. Interesting thought.

Mary Alice,
I was at the comic book store with my son yesterday and my eyes kept sliding shut. I must of looked stoned or something what with me leaning up against the cases dozing off. Then I thought about how I was going to be driving home and I had to wonder about the wisdom of driving all the way to Federal Way just to get yu-gi-oh cards and look at comics. *zen shakes her head at her own foolhardiness.*
Carrie

[dalila]

I am supposed to look around and say aloud if I can I am here and I am safe. Hard to explain without an example so here goes:

"I am in my bedroom, there is my dresser, I can feel my blankets and that is my dh snoring. I am safe and they cannot hurt me here. This is my home my room and my bed and I am safe here. I am not there where I was being hurt, I am in my room. There is the picture I hung on the wall there is closet with my clothes. This is 2004 not 1969 and I am an adult -- I am stronger and I am safe." About here I usually pray some cos I am calm enough to think again, before this I can only beg to be helped and for the abuse to stop. For whatever reason I tend to rexperience it physically as well as mentally and someday I just hurt all over. During the day, I sometimes use a method i learned from EMDR. I move my eyes back and forth on the diagonal while letting my thoughts wonder through the problem. The few that i have worked through like that have been better, but I have to strike while the iron is hot and I am too scared to open any of my 'boxes' without help. I just deal withthe crississes as they pop up.

~D~

[dalila]

Federal Way? Is that in Washington? I have family in Washington. Somehow i thought you were in Australia?!?

~D~

[PlanningtoLive]

Carrie,

It was terrible.........people kept waking me up [sigh].

It felt like I was completely drugged out.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

Dalila,
I re-experience it physically too. It is as if I am there right now. It is hard to focus on the fact that it was 24 years ago. Thank you for sharing the excercise. I am going to try to use it.

My friend Deepthinker lives in Australia but I am a Washingtonian. I have lived in this state since 1970 when we moved over from Germany--my dad was stationed in Germany when I was born and no I don't speak any German, ha ha.
Carrie

[Zenobia]

Mary Alice,
I am glad that I didn't have to be woke up by someone else. That would have been scary. I hope you have managed to get some rest since then. I got about 6 1/2 hours last night and that is with the ambien. sigh. I would really like an 8 hour night.
Carrie