[SheHulk07]

TRIGGER WARNING

I took more pills tonight. 5 naproxen and 2 barbital floricet tablets. I'm so stressed out, funeral was today for my husbands uncle and money is tight and my endo and other pains are getting worse. I'm so exhausted from everything and I just want to give up. I don't even want to face my therapist tom orrow morning because I'm a disappointment

[Blue_Bird]

You're not a disappointment, you're just going through a lot and aren't coping well with things currently. I hope you're able to talk to your therapist about everything, they'll try to help you

[falsememory7]

Yes Amy, I agree with Blue Bird. Things might not have gone how you wanted to go, and you might have done things that you regret, but that does not - and never will - make you a disappointment. you are so strong, and right now you're dealing with a lot of pain and stress. Just hold on there, okay? Things do get better

[SheHulk07]

Thank you for responding. I beat myself up about everything and around the hoidays are always worse.

How did it go with your therapist?

[falsememory7]

Anytime, Amy. And I understand - sometimes it feels as if holidays are always the worst. It triggers things inside that just spirals down into depression, and holidays are often the times when we feel the loneliest. Did you see your therapist yet today? If so, how did it go? I hope you feel a bit better

[SheHulk07]

therapy went okay he still worried about the pills but I told him about the pills last night. however this afternoon I was triggered it again by missing a project through school that was supposed to do with another girl and had another panic attack but ended call in the crisis line so I wouldnt to take the pills again while I was driving. They're going to let my therapist know since it's through the center and have a thing called crisis outreach where I can go in more next week or talk to them on the phone just to get through.

[SheHulk07]

My therapist called and talked for a few minutes to see how I was after talking to the crisis line. He said he's more concerned about me because I didn't tell him before that I keep some on me in my purse.
The lady I talked to on the crisis line is supposed to call and check up on me Monday so that helps. And I'm getting more of my tattoo added on Sunday so I can look forward to that.

I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow.

I'm glad you're getting a bit more support through the crisis line and we're here for you too in the meantime should you need us

[SheHulk07]

I was so nervous calling, but it helped knowing that the person I talked to knew who my therapist was so she could relay the situation to him without me having to wait till next Thursday to tell him.

[falsememory7]

That's incredible amy, that you reached out for help. for me, that's the hardest thing for me to do - because I feel so vulnerable, and ashamed. I know I need to reach out more when i'm struggling, because I know that keeping everything inside and to myself, only makes things worst. I'm really glad that the situation worked out like that, it sounds like things are getting better I knew they would

[SheHulk07]

Thanks...I hate reaching out too, and usually just do it secretly. I had the pills in my hand, but I stopped myself because I was in a school parking lot with a bunch of people outside.

I just woke up from a nap since my husband is home from work, and I'm already back on edge. Got an email from another group person for another presentation that was all in caps saying she needed my info, and I had just emailed it to her this afternoon like I told her I would. I hatttteeee people doing that, and it's put me so close to the edge. And my kids destroyed the house so I had to spend time cleaning that up. It just never ends.

I hate this feeling.

[falsememory7]

I know how you feel - yet I'm so sorry that all of these things are happening back to back, and piling you up, putting you on edge. What do you like to do that calms you down, and helps you feel better?

[SheHulk07]

Honestly I really don't have time to do much between school, clinical rotations, and kids. I love to read but haven't had time to sit down with a good book this whole semester.

I did take some MUCH needed time today and got some work done on my tattoo and went bridesmaid dress shopping for my friend's wedding.

[SheHulk07]

And once again I fail. Got extremely overwhelmed from talking to the girl I messed up with the presentation and on break went in my car and took some pills.I've already talked to the crisis line for my therapist office this morning and scheduled an appointment this week and told her I was doing alright and now this. God I hate myself.

[SheHulk07]

And stupid me called a different crisis line and they call 911 on me and took me to the ER. Talk about freaking embarrassing. All I want to do is go back to class.

[falsememory7]

I'm so sorry things didn't go as well as planned Amy, but please don't hate yourself. You're such a beautiful person, hang in there with me

[SheHulk07]

I'm trying to hang on but I mess up everything lately. I talked to my teacher and she's upset with me, my partner is pissed at me, and I'm just freaking done.I give up.

[SheHulk07]

I ended up calling my therapist and left him a message when I was leaving the hospital, and he called me back tonight to check up on me. I think we talked for a good 10 minutes, and then the crisis line called me to see how everything went as well.

I'm supposed to call the crisis lady that I have an appointment with on Friday tomorrow and let her know what happened to see what we can do. And the crisis line is going to call me tomorrow night to see how everything is. I told my therapist that it feels like everything's getting worse lately, so we'll see where we go when I talk to everyone.

I am so mentally exhausted tonight.

[SheHulk07]

I have everyone calling now to check up on me, as far as therapists go. My therapist, the crisis line through the community center I go to, and the suicide hotline crisis team.

I'm just so numb and exhausted since that happened. Trying to keep going on, acting like nothing has happened. I was lucky that I was in the farthest parking lot from my school when the EMS arrived, but just the thought of someone I know seeing that has me anxious. Then I had to call a cab to take me back to school because my husband was at work and I don't want my family to know.

I don't even know anymore.

[falsememory7]

Amy, it's so clear that everyone really cares about you everyone called to check up on you, and wanted to make sure that you were okay. I know that things like this can be so incredibly mentally exhausting, and that seeing people you know make you really anxious - I have the same issue. I don't want those close to me to know about the personal things that I deal with, because it makes me feels so vulnerable and helpless - I hate that feeling! However, maybe talking to your husband about it would help relieve some of the anxiety, mental exhaustion, and sadness that you've been feeling lately. It seems like he would be great support, and right now that's really what you need. Sometimes, being in a gray area, not knowing what to do or what not to do, is worst than being in a dark place... Because the feeling of confusion and not knowing is one of the scariest of all... How have you been feeling today? Has anything gotten better for you, Amy?

[SheHulk07]

I'm doing alright today so far. Anxious for my session today. Still haven't ate barely anything since Monday. Started feeling a little anxious last night so I did the ice for 15 minutes until my hand went numb. Fuess it's something.

[SheHulk07]

Therapy was a slap in the face to say the least. He basically told me that I need to go to group sessions as well as seeing him because I'm in a dangerous spot right now. And pretty much if I don't go and the suicidal urges keep going that the next step would be a group home for a few weeks and he would refuse to see me until I did that. Has anyone ever been told something like this? I feel like I should stop going all together because I'm wasting everyone time and getting worse. Makes me wonder if I should just do something and be done with disappointing everyone because I can't be helped.

[falsememory7]

I haven't been told that before - but I have been rejected before by people that I trusted, when I felt like I needed them the most. I know that this is unbelievably difficult, but if you ever need to talk, I'm here on PC every day, several times a day - you can always PM me, and I'll get back to you right away! Just the thought of you feeling like you're alone breaks my heart

[SheHulk07]

Thank you for your support. I hate that this is such a difficult time and I'm trying to hang on as ling as possible.