I can't feel...(trigger)

Here I am again, posting again. With no real reason behind it. Just doing it. I have continued to cut...and cut.. Mom still in the hospital, will be there for the rest of the week, and then to a rehab place (again w/ the not talking about that.) Lets see, my boss chewed me out for [censored] that was stupid. I have midterms coming up..and ugh..stress galore! I'm switching therapists...brand spanking new one in like 2 weeks. Yeah for me...not. Man, I hate all this [censored]. i am just so annoyed...and i don't know what to do with anything. I just wanna keep cutting, to see if I can feel anything, but still I don't feel anything...like blood will build up and i can't feel it...i see it..but i can't feel it. why can't i feel? why am i so numb?

ok, i'm gonna go...sorry for bothering...

[b] Wake me up inside...I can't wake up...Save me...Save me from the nothing I've become!!![b]

You can't feel because you have to much happening at once and your smart little brain is cushioning your senses. Cutting to try to feel isn't going to help with that at all. It is just adding another stessor on top of all the other stresssors you have to deal with, which makes you even more numb.

I am wondering if it is possible to find a safe place, with a friend who is able let your cry and throw a fit without interfering. If you can find such a place, would it possible to pick one of those stressors and try to feel it? Just one. Not all of it just one. Your friend could keep an eye on you and make sure you don't hurt yourself as you feel this one thing. I am not saying you should do it, I guess I am asking the question out loud to see if you think it would be a good idea for me to do it. I don't know.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

That could be a good idea, however I don't have any friends like that.

~Dreamer~

[b] Wake me up inside...I can't wake up...Save me...Save me from the nothing I've become!!![b]

I used to be a cutter. When I told people about it, I would get at least half of them telling me, "Oh, I used to be a cutter, too" so I can get how what I just said was annoying. I guess there's no real purpose for me posting to you. I used to cut to feel like a human being. I used to get treated like poopie by people who weren't supposed to do that to me, and so I always thought I was subhuman scum. The snot that the scum sneezed out. No, the poop that the snot stepped on. Sorry, tangent. I would cut myself to feel the pain, and feel the blood, and see it, you know? Like a twisted affirmation that I was real.

I'm sure that wasn't helpful to you in any way. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I'm a stranger that wants to relate to you. Maybe so we both feel a little less alone and lost, good yeah? (haha, in my Deuctchland home, we would say that as, "gut ja?")

I am sorry that I didn't get this post sooner. My computer is acting up and the little red number got replaced so I didn't check up on it.

I think that was my problem too. I had friends and loved ones just no one I could trust to keep me safe. I don't even trust my therapist to keep me safe. I am hoping that my new therapist will be able to help me with that. Cross my fingers. Is there anyway that you can get in touch with these feelings, journaling, art, music? Maybe going to an art museum where you can cry at the pictures and not be able to hurt yourself while you do it. I have seem more then one person with tears in their eyes at the museum.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Got to get to work. Am late just wanted to say welcome and thanks for posting. I will give a better welcome when I get off work. Glad to meet you.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft