Honestly, I dont know how I feel***Trigger***

A few weeks ago, I emailed my "ex" father in law and said that I am moving to TX and lwft my cell phone # to give to his son, my "ex" husband so I could inform him of this move.

I have to do this so my "ex" is aware that I would be taking the children out of state. Understand, that I have not seen or heard from my "ex" husband in 7 years so never in my wildest dream (or nightmares) did I think he would reply. Until yesterday morning at 7:04 am when I received a message on my cell phone.

The message said that she received my email and would like me to call him back at either his home # or cell #. I woke my hubby up and told him that I received a reply. He couldnt beleive it either. We never thought that Matt would ever, ever, ever reply.

I endured 3 years of abuse from this man. Severe emotional, mental and physical abuse. I dealt with him shooting a gun passed my head when I was 7 month prego with our daughter. I endured countless beatings for no reason. The drinking and the drugs that he would do infront of our two daughters after I begged him not too. Big mistake. I should have never spoke up. Only got me more beatings.

Like I said, 7 years have gone by not hearing his voice, not feeling the overhang of fear I had when being in his presence. I had been out of touch with that. He asked me about the girls. I told him everything he wanted to know. He asked if he could see them, just once he said. He said that he doesnt want to be a permanant fixture in their lives because he knows it is too late to make up for all those missed years but wanted to see them one time before our move. I told him I would call him back.

I talked it over with my hubby and he told me that whatever I decided that he was behing me 100%.

I called Matt back and told him that I would let him see the children one last time only if we met in a public place. He agreed.

We met at TGI Fridays by the mall where I live. I didnt tell the girls because I didnt want to upset them if he decided not to show up. He did show up and at the last minute I said that we were there to see Matt. They said "Matt who?" I explained the situation and they both were like, OK.....
So he showed up, we sat down at the table and he looked at both of them like they were two pots of gold sitting there. He couldnt take his eyes off of them. He said that he didnt even recognize them because they were 5 and 7 the last time he saw them. He said that he had gotten married two years ago. Has no kids with this women. The kids didnt know what to say. They just sat their and ate their food.

I was numb the entire time i was there I was numb. I didnt feel fear, anger, or anything. Just completely numb. I dont know how I was supposed to feel anyway, I just know that I didnt feel much of anything. I dont understand why i didnt feel anything.I just dont understand it. The whole meeting lasted roughly 1.5 hours and when we were finished we parted like it was nothing. I dont know how I feel. The girls seem to not feel much of anything either. They said that he doesnt look the same and that they didnt even recognize him. I asked them if they were sad. They said no. I asked them if they were glad to see him and they said no. I asked them how they felt about seeing them and they said, I dont know.

Well I dont know either and it kinda confuses me. I am at a loss. A total loss. Is this normal? Why am I numb to this? I just dont really understand why.

dear one, hugs from me and fayeroe (actually she has trouble hugging, so it's a big kiss). it's normal. how else could you feel about a person who did what he's done to you and the girls. there's nothing there. nada.....be glad and move to Texas, so you and i can go see the Spurs!!!!!!!!! xoxo pat

numbness often comes to me when i am feeling so many overwhelming emotions. Sounds like that may be the same with you. Take some time to reflect, rest, experience, and comfort yourself in healthy ways. You are in my prayers.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Pat)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((EV))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate all that you both had to say. Take care both of you and much love and peace.

Love Jen

PS- Gracie sends big wet kisses your way Pat.

Jen, what you have IMO is final closure(sp) you are a remarkable lady and so are your children. Treasure your husband for he is a true jewel, I'm sure this will strengthen all your lives.
Angie

jmo531 when someone you use to love turns your back on you and the rest of your family, then you know he's not worth it! How ever all that pain he gave you all you had to do was set it free. As like its was nothing compared to your love for your kids. Any way I hope he knows what he has done and that those was his mistakes. Your daugthers said I don't know maybe because they did understand but didn't know how to react to the sitituation if only found out so soon. You felt numb as this guy made you feel that way. You know were you stand and still keep it that way jmo531 you were very brave facing him one last time.

(((((((((((((((((Angie)))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((Miss A)))))))))))))))))


Thank you so much for your kind words. As Yoda would say : "Very special you two are". LOL

I received a msg on my cell the other day. It was the ex again. He wanted to know if I thought it would be ok to call the kids. He said that he didnt want to reuin their lives and said that I know whats best for them and he wanted me to give him the OK. Well, I havent called him back yet because I am not quite sure what to say. I am still pondering. Thanks again for your support.

Much love and peace,

Jen

I see... calling the kids? Just to make sure that you let your husband into this as well, so that something bad doesn't happen. Your ex is your past and should let it go but if he keeps comming back and you don't feel safe about it your always have your loving husband (hubby?) there for you! Also make sure your kids are comfortable talking to someone they can't remember....

((((((jmo))))))) all I know is when you feel nothing for someone it usually means it is over for good...when you feel nothing for the then you are a ok.

(((((((((((((Jen))))))))))

What a decision to have to make. Good luck hun.

Poopy dust, ask the kids , if they say no or they really don't care tell him it is in there best interest NO, then tell him you've been out of the picture so long it might confuse them
Angie

It's okay, how you feel -or how you are numbing this out - it's part of a protective mechanism and quite normal. That you didn't get angry or vendictive or any of that is very good.. for you and your children! I wouldn't push them to have feelings either. It's something you did, for them, for him? so he can't complain? and make you feel guilty in the future? anyway... have a good move! TC

Thanks you guys!!!

I am going to have a sit down with the kids and my hubby tomorrow to discuss this with them. They are the ones I am concerned about. Thanks again you guys. Much love and peace to all of you.

Jen

with this Jen.

Honestly, I think you are doing the right thing. Let the kids make the majority of the decisions (you should still help guide them). If you get too involved and try to alienate them from their father they may end up resenting it in the future. If they're anything like you (and they must be ) they are smart girls and will soon see his true colors.

(((((((Jen)))))))

Erin,

Thanks. I agree. I dont think it would be a good idea if I tried to keep them from seeing them.

My husband and I talked a little bit about this and we both will be talking to the girls tomorrow and get their input and then we will make a final decision.

I have also talked with my sister about this. She is angry. She reiterated that he never wanted to be a father to the girls until they were "big". I dont know. She means well. I am just really confused. I honestly never thought I would have to be dealing with this. I will keep you guys posted on the outcome. Thanks again for all your support.

Love,

Jen

jmo,

First off I want you to know that I find you a very very brave woman. Wow! After 7 years of no contact, What a brave woman to agree to meet with him.
I can understand the numb feeling you feel. It is hard to feel anything towards someone that has hurt you so bad. I feel like you are doing the right thing for your kids.

You are amazing!!!! Wow!

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mrb)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for your kind words.

We took the girls out to IHOP today and talked to them about the situation. My oldest daughter says she does not care either way. My other daughter says that she wants to see him. They both agree that he looks ways to short to be their dad. LOL. I told them that they were alot smaller when they last saw him so he seemed taller then. They are both interested in meeting his "new" wife that he married 2 years ago. I am also interested in meeting her because I want to make sure that my girls are safe.

My husband and I have decided that for the time being that we WILL NOT allow him to visit the girls alone as I feel that this is way to much for them to handle as it is. I want them to feel comfortable so until that time, I will be supervising all the visits. I told my ex, that at anytime my house could sell and we will be moving to Texas. He says he understands that. I am curious if he is trying to get to them now because he knows he wont have to be a Dad for much longer or if he is trying to be genuine. I plan on calling him tomorrow to set up the visit for Sunday. I will keep you guys posted on that. Thanks for listening, again.

Love,


Jen

Please don't hate me for thinking... I know my hypervigilance is just that.. but don't put it passed them to decide to go for custody. Some times our best laid plans go awry because of others.

I think you are doing a good thing. TC

Well, I should have known. I should have known. I can not beleive how stupid I am to think that he actually wanted to be in their lives after all this time. I must be a real idiot. Damn it. This is exactly why I should have left well enough alone.

He called this morning and said that they were not going to be able to visit the children today and maybe he will try next weekend. I was like OK.

The kids were asking if they were going to see him today and I said NO. They didnt asked any questions at all. I think because deep down, they know and that hurts me so badley that he has hurt them. I am so stupid to allow this to happen.

You aren't stupid. You are a mom doing what you can for your children. He apparently doesn't care about their feelings. YOU are not the stupid one!!!

Keep your chin up!! You are amazing, at least you are in my book!!!!

You have all of the admiration I have to offer....You are
to be commended for maintaining such an open
heart for the sake of your kids.....that's truely amazing
and his failure is his loss......hang in there!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{jmo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I admire you too..........to be so open hearted with your ex concerning you kids.........that is truly amazing.......just remeber this is his LOSS.........
remember the song "cats in the cradle" well I have seen that happen in my family with my brother and sister with my father.....your doing all you can that is all that matters.......

Thanks you guys. I hear your words but I am having a hard time believing that I am amazing right now. I should have known. I mean, what the hell was I thinking after all this time he would have actually changed? Yeah right!!!

Its the girls I am hurting for. I never ever want them to feel unwanted or unloved. They deserve better then that. That is why I should have known.

((((((((((((((((((((((jmo)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are a great mom!!!!!!!! They know that you and your husband love them very much..... You know this too!

it is his loss for not knowing his daughters, he will regret it someday.....

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{jmo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}