[ThisWayOut]

hey. I haven't been around much lately. It's been a combination of things going good (gasp!) for a few weeks, then me not really knowing what's going on in my head. The self-harm thoughts are back. They generally return every month, as there's that regular trigger, but this month they have stayed past the week... I've talked to my T about this, and she kinda pointed out that I've had these thoughts for a while, but have not acted on them (I haven't cut since November when I was hospitalized, despite a few really rough patches). She thinks my head is trying to find a way to satisfy the need finally. The thing is, the longer I refrain, the more intense the thoughts get. I want to do so much more damage than I've ever done before. It feels stronger this time. I have wanted to shatter myself in the past, but it's never been so... I dunno, resolute? intense? desperate? I'm not going to act on anything, but the images in my head are really graphic and extreme. T suggested I do something "symbolic" either with art, or with food coloring and water or corn syrup. She gets the need to indulge the lust for my own blood, but wants me to do it "safely". It's times like these that I feel really messed-up. Why do I need to see that so badly? It makes me want to tear myself apart. I don't know how to safely get what I need without the self-injury. I know I shouldn't (because of the external consequences and internal judgement), but... the desire is really strong. And with that desire comes the hopelessness. It never leaves. I will never get better for long. I will always struggle with this, and it sucks. What's the point in fighting it if it will always be here? Last time I took a break from si, I was able to refrain for almost 2 years. There was a period of 2 years at a point before that, but it has never gone longer than that. I don't think it ever will... I've been self-injuring for 18+ years out of the last 22. I've tried to quit more times than I can count. This battle is getting old.

[Frankbtl]

Hi MdngtRain, I'm really sorry about how you're feeling right now. And I may be wrong but it's almost as if your thoughts about your thoughts are tripping you up a bit here if that makes sense?? Of course your thoughts about SI aren't good!! but you seem to be really coming down on yourself about them???
Maybe if instead you you could turn that around a bit more to "challenging" those thoughts of SI and throwing yourself more into substituting something/anything else with them, do you think?? The thoughts are there, they're real for you so maybe tackle those/and what's encouraging them a bit more instead of yourself??
And you said that you'll never get better for long, hey look at you!! You HAVE been better for "LONG". Two years before, since November this time around, considering how hard things sound like they've been for you that's MASSIVE in my book!!!
I know you're really struggling right now, but whatever, you have got amazing strength!! It might be really hard to pull on at times, but it is there!!
And perhaps lose some of that focus on the times you've tried to quit and.....instead focus on the successes (!!) of you managing to hold off for two days, a week......(?) whatever each time you've quit. You HAVE had successes and they ALL count!!
And the "replacing" the thoughts (I don't know whether they will be replaced right now, but perhaps subdued enough to work through them??) absolutely go with the "symbolic" expression, it helps some people but just throw your whole self into it. But nothing wrong with experimenting with other things as well that might ease/subdue/block the thoughts a bit, every little thing can help.
Can I check if you're having regular medication reviews, if you're having medication, as it's coming across as if depression is colliding with everything as well, if not an underlying reason?? Maybe time and changes in medication can help a bit, at least until you've built up a few more coping skills/feel a bit more "in control"???
Here if you want to talk.................
Best wishes
Alison

[kaliope]

I know staying away from SI is difficult when you have such thoughts all the time, yet you are doing so good at being successful and you know how to be successful. It sucks that these thoughts stay with us for so long despite not harming ourselves. I haven't harmed myself for over seven years now yet I still get the graphic images in my head at the weirdest times. the desire is still there. but as frank offered, I focus on my success instead of the desire. im tired of the scars and the shame so I continue to choose success instead. you can too. you have done it again and again. take care.

[winter4me]

I think the idea of using the images for creative purposes is a good one. If you begin to put these feelings into something tangible (painting, collage, pounding clay into shapes, ...) you may also find feelings/thoughts that you do not currently have access to...
[maybe a community ed program throwing pots/something both physical and creative. probably not something using sharp tools...] finger painting? using a wall in your house (closet?) as a canvas?
You have done well. You are doing well. You are tolerating formerly intolerable urges. It is clearly very painful at times, very hard to resist, but you are doing it.
Is there anything you do, or med you take, that can take the edge off long enough to get through? What are you doing now that allows you to resist acting on the urges? Can you build on that? Take care. Be proud of your self.

[ThisWayOut]

So, I spent the last hour arguing with myself to convince myself that what was written in response was supportive and not really just nice ways of telling me I suck. I know the responses were meant to be supportive, and to any normal human being would be read as such, but I seem to be wearing lenses that turn even the most positive and supportive statements into proof-positive that every negative thing I believe about myself is true... so honestly, thank you for your support. I apologize for reading into it anything that may not be there. I know I didn't write any of that here, but wanted to clarify in case I sound condescending or rude anywhere. It's not meant to be that way, I'm just taking things and returning them into something their not (part of the depression and self - hate)... Even if it's just going on in my head, I fell the need to apologize for it. Sorry.

[Frankbtl]

Hi no need at all to apologize!!! For me, I'm really grateful that you spent that time on us trying to see the positives in what we were saying/the support we were trying to give!!!
And anytime whatsoever you want to come straight back at me if you're doubting/unsure of/dubious about what I'm saying I'm absolutely fine with that, and more than happy to try to make what I'm saying make a little more sense to you personally. I know depression can take away/distort the real meaning of things sometimes.
And the effort you made in trying to convince yourself...........you know that shows that there's something really strong inside you, despite the way you've been feeling!!!
Here if you want to talk more..............
Alison

[winter4me]

I think, sometimes advice can sound very trite when we are depressed and tired of all the "positive" suggestions. I have experienced this myself. Could make one want to throw things, scream "shut up, just listen"....
You are never rude...thank you for sharing some of your reactions...pain...self...

[ThisWayOut]

Tonight's rough. Lots of disconnected body memories and emotional flashbacks ramping up the urge to self harm. I'm trying to relax, but nothing is working. Too late to take pills and still wake up in time for therapy tomorrow. How dull you get through the urges when you can't figure out what's motivating the triggers? I don't know how to fight something I can't identify...

[Frankbtl]

Hi, sometimes it can just be about getting through one hour (?) at a time. If relaxing is just allowing all those thoughts to flow (it's not a good time) and there's no way you can shut them down a bit, then whatever you can do to distract yourself from them e.g. something that you're going to need to focus on. Just force yourself to do something/anything and force your focus.
You know you could even try some mantras or mindfulness though if you haven't already, let them "consume your mind". And you know if it takes a while, you're tired for your therapy, that really doesn't matter compared with getting through your thoughts/feelings now. That is the most important thing.
Alison