Still Getting Urges

This could be somewhat triggering for those who feel like they'll never be free of it.

I've been "free" of self-harm for over 4 years, I think, and I'm pretty pleased with that. I still get urges, though; do you think that's normal? I gather, since it's an addiction, that I will never not be a self-harmer, because the "thing" is always there, much like with other addictions.

Anywho, I'm just getting sick of these urges. Does anyone have any idea why I'm getting them, still? Or how I can prevent/stop them. I'm guessing it's just a depression thing. I feel very lost, lonely, fed-up, frustrated, scared, etc.

I feel like I need to do it. It almost feels like I want to do it for the sake of doing it, ... I know how utterly stupid that sounds. I never really thought I'd be like that, but, looking back, maybe I did sometimes do it for the sake of doing it, ... a way to just randomly punish myself, ... sure, why not? Granted, most of the time, it was through self-loathing or anger. Part of me misses it. I know it's selfish, bad for you, dangerous, pointless, blah blah blah, but, even though I know all that, very well, it doesn't seem to rid me of these thoughts and urges, only the action(s).

The more I think about it, the more I miss my arm and legs being the way they were, feeling the pain, going around, knowing I was being punished. Pretty messed up. I don't like admitting this ****; I'm supposed to be "over" it.

Oh my goodness. I thought I was the only one! I've been 'sober' for 3 years, and there are times when I just want to....don't want to trigger anyone here, but you know what I mean. And while it definitely has gotten better over time, I still get frustrated with myself for having the urges, even after being able to stop.
But, I admitted it to my T, and he's been very helpful. He tells me to pinpoint where the urges come from and treat that, not the urge itself.
Do you have a T? It might be helpful to talk to him/her about it.
I feel you, dear. You're not the only one.

I think you summed it up pretty well. I don't think we'll ever really be over it. I'm thankful for the progress I've made and there are numerous consequences of SI that I am grateful to no longer have to deal with, but that doesn't make me miss it less. I will always remember the calm, and high, and peace cutting gave me. At my therapists we kind of talked about this today. My arm feels blank. I want to cut for the sake of cutting, but usually I do want to cut for the other reasons. However, I know my imagination always makes it out to be better than what it was and it's easy to forget the pain of lying and hiding and trying to cover it up and the shame of it all. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I actually go to AA meetings and just refer to it as drinking (which is easy because drinking the blood was also an addiction for me) and it's amazing the similarities. Also, Celebrate Recovery is good if you are a Christian. Having groups like this help me talk some of this out when I need to and reminds me that I am not alone. August will be nine years without cutting, and it is easy to get hung up on how badly I still want it and that this will probably stick with me for life. Sorry I don't have any real insight or helpful hints on how to get 'over' it. But hang in there. Life is and can be so much better than what it was with the cutting.

I can't really add anything more other than to agree with everyone else. The urges still come at times when I'm stressed or overwhelmed but usually I find them easier to manage now, and working through the reasons for my stress or finding ways to relax tend to make them go a lot faster than they used to.

I don't think we ever 'get over it' but just become a lot better at managing without it.

Thanks, guys. Nice to be reminded that I'm not alone.

Stronger,
I don't have a therapist, anymore; we cancelled therapy (CBT, primarily for my OCD) about a month ago.

ickydog2006,
I honestly would feel really bad going to an AA meeting for something I don't have, regardless of the similarities. I like the idea of getting that sort of help, though, I just don't know if I need it, since I'm not actually doing anything.

I just feel, ... kind of agitated and alone, at the moment - like I want to do something, but I don't know what, ... sort of like restless, but worse, and mixed with weird feelings, like the urge to SH. It feels a little like I'm calmly losing the plot. My sleep has been really bad, lately, which probably adds to it all. I was up for about 24 hours, then slept for 5-6 hours, and here I am, once again, staying up all night, and it's gone 5am. I'm avoiding sleep. I'm being even more anti-social. I'm getting more depressed. I'm not eating properly. I don't feel all there.

I have so many regrets and things for which I'm forever beating myself up, and it just feels like it's all suffocating me. All the crap in the past, even things like ex-girlfriends, friends I used to have, my crazy mother, issues with my dad, family members that have died, and so on; it's just all there and I can't just pretend it isn't. Side question: is there some sort of disorder that causes someone to really struggle with "change"?

I isolate myself, emotionally and physically, so that I don't have to "connect" with people as much, or just interact with them, ... easy enough online, I suppose, to a point. I haven't even gone out in about a month - it feels like I'm an agoraphobic, sometimes. God knows what's going on with me. ¬_¬ Sick of it, though.

I fear going to sleep a lot, because those are the times when my urges to SI are worst and I don't make the best judgement calls when sleep deprived. I just too an ambien so I don't know how much I will get written here right now since my visions starting to jumble. I feel so much of what you are saying it's kind of crazy. I just don't put it out there much. I'm having a lot of trouble isolating and feel on the edge of agoraphobia. It takes a lot of willpower to force yourself past the anxiety that going anywhere causes. I have OCD too, and I do think that heavily contributes to the struggle with change and fighting through the anxiety. I've been really torn up tonight with anxiety about past decisions. Things are getting too jumbled for me now. I will go sleep and check back in in the next few days.