[p_1994]

hi everyone recently i went to the hospital because i was suicidal but that was 2 odd months ago i feel like i am alot better but lately for no reason i have been hurtinng myself and constant thinking bout hurting myself i have no idea why but i now have im pretty sure a 3rd degree burn mark
but yea why do i keep doing this ??!!

[Frankbtl]

Hi p1994, I'm sorry you've been through/are going through such a hard time. But 2 months ago really isn't that long ago and you may need time to adjust to whatever resources the hospital gave you, and more support in moving on from the problems you've had/are having.
Are you seeing a therapist or pdoc regularly following on from your hospital stay? If you are then I'd say you really should let them know about what's going on for you as soon as possible. That won't necessarily mean that you have to go back to hospital, but it should get you the support you need to move forward. If you're not seeing anyone, then I'd suggest you contact the/a hospital to have them see you in outpatients to talk to them about what you're feeling.
As for the "why"'s there could be plenty of reasons e.g. not enough coping resources, depression, anxiety, your situation at home or elsewhere, things that may have happened for you, addiction to the SI................or even all of the above!! But whatever they are you really need to talk to someone/a professional about this. You've clearly come so far!!! Don't deny yourself the chance to move on more and past this, you're worth it!!
Alison

[p_1994]

thank you so much alison, i was seeing a case worker or a counsellor or what ever she is but she actually gave me the "ok" your fine to go a couple weeks ago...i really dont want to experience being hospitalized for them reasons again so i dont really want to go back to the case worker lady

[Frankbtl]

Hi p1994, it is really positive that you were feeling a lot better, but sometimes there can be some "up"s and "down"s in getting through/past how you felt before and they aren't always going to be predictable. But the fact that the support you had before seemed to be working for you is really good. So it's not going to be "back to square one" it may well just mean that you're not quite ready for that support/some support to stop just yet, that's all.
And for some people they may need that extra support for a year, two years....more. So where you're at right now on just two months out of the hospital, I really wouldn't worry about needing that little bit more help for a while longer. And if you get re-refered, the case worker should be fine in seeing that you get more support either from them, a pdoc, support group, therapist......And particularly after how well you did move on it might not take/need that much to help keep you on track until you're better able to do that on your own.
So, yes, it's about doing the best thing for you to improve again, you've really got to put yourself first now. You really have come so far, so maybe try to let others help you hold onto that progress and continue to move it forward for/with you?? You deserve it!!!
Alison

[p_1994]

So are you saying I don't really need to see the case worker lady but continue to receive support from other people (friends family teachers etc etc) ?

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[Frankbtl]

Hi p1994, I'd say that the case worker can maybe get you more support as well as the support she may be able to give you. She might be able to help you link in with a support group, therapist, pdoc............And while any of these might be able to add to what the caseworker is doing with you it is probably good to have her around too to make sure things are working for you.
You know friends, family, teachers sound a really good idea to back up the professionals who should be helping you as well though. Those people can sometimes be at hand to support you/be there for you at the exact time you need someone to talk to. So yes it would be good to try and let them in as much as you can too.
Alison

[p_1994]

Well I spoke to a staff meeting at the school and he wants me to see a phychologist but I don't feel comfortable with doing it as last time I went to a " professional" I ended up in hospital and I am afraid that might happen again....I think I just need someone I can talk to without feeling like I'm a idiot or something like that because I can trust the staff member but I feel uncomfortable talking bout my issues with parents and I definitely don't want to talk to my mate but I don't want a "professional" as it scares the living cr@p out of me I don't know I think I just need to vent to someone who can help even a little means a lot :/ .....I am so lost my little world is so utterly confusing

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[p_1994]

Member* not meeting

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[Frankbtl]

Hi p1994, really well done on talking to the staff member at school!!! I know it often isn't easy opening up to someone about things like that. So good on you!!
And it shows that the staff member is really taking you and your feelings seriously, it does sound like they really want to help.
Sometimes it can be really helpful talking to a psychologist/professional in order to actually avoid going back in to hospital. They can sometimes help you in finding triggers and building more coping strategies so as you're not on the road to hospitalization. So it's worth thinking about.
But if you feel fairly comfortable/more comfortable talking to your teacher, then that's a good thing too, if they can help. Remember they may not have the training or insight to help you as much though even if they really want to, so someone more "specialized" in what you're going through might be really helpful too. But it's a good start so maybe try to talk to your teacher a bit more and see how it goes.
And remember if you want to vent, talk.......whatever......we're here too!!
Alison

[p_1994]

Well the staff member actually has a background in the counseling field as he used to be one (he now teaches it) so I can trust him and be open with him but I also can't take up much of his time because he is a very busy man but I will see if the staff member could possibly organize a day where I could just talk to you him if not then it's fine I mean I could talk to other people but I'm way to scared of going to a "professional" and it makes me feel like a crazy person :/

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[p_1994]

Oh and thanks frankbtl for the help and advice you have given me

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[Frankbtl]

Hi, you know you're not a crazy person!!! And if he's quite busy then maybe you can still talk to him for shorter periods when he has time.
But it is good if you have other people you can talk to though. Trust is a big thing in being able to open up, and if you already know them and feel that you can talk to them then that's a real good start. You can always tell them things at your own pace, in your own time as well if it feels more comfortable.
If they aren't "getting it" though just make sure you try to explain to them real clearly, it may not mean that they don't care they may just need a bit of help from you to understand.

And:

Oh and thanks frankbtl for the help and advice you have given me

You're WELCOME!!!!

Alison

[p_1994]

Well I know why I feel like this and it involves a lot of things mainly relationship issues related or sexuality issues as it is very confusing at times but yea I don't know someone to tell me why I'm like this but knowing my own triggers can and will more then likely be lethal to myself and that is why I don't want to know them I mean I just need someone to open to (but face to face as I do find it better to let the person have a better understanding) I mean I'm like starting to have feeling for my best mate but at the same time I'm very interested in this girl 2 but recently I was starting to fall for this other girl 1 and we went out a few times but she broke ***** up due to her own personal problems but it has caused me a big Downfall in my life as I was staring to really fall for her so yea it hurt me and a little part of me still hurts every day I have had suicidal thoughts, almost actually went ahead and did it the only thing that stop me was a police officer came up to me and asked if I was alright he saw I was upset and I have a lot of respect for police community/force but what that officer did made me think twice and then I walked away from the area I was in till this day I want to know who he is so I can personally thank him but yea and that was a day before being hospitalized and it's extremely scary going to hospital for suicidal they treat you like you are like a "limited edition item" or "mint condition toy or something" they monitor literally everything you have to ask to like go outside or toilet every time you go and they just arrrgghh there just....yea and I have a question. ...I got a tecnas shot (really long needle that pokes around in the vien) but I enjoyed it like I found it was a joy full thing to have/get. ..is that weird or ****ed up?

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[Frankbtl]

Hi, sounds like a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions/feelings you've been going through. But I'd say you've done really well in coming close to identifying your triggers yourself, Already you're showing a lot of insight!!
As for sexuality that can sometimes be fluid, it's not always "set in stone", and if that's the case then that's OK. It doesn't need to be confusing if you just see it as- that's the way it is, you're still you, and you're still fine whatever your sexuality. Maybe just accept the feelings for what they are and if they lead anywhere then great but if not.......then maybe other feelings, another time will.......
And you know you are still fairly young right? So plenty of time to find what/who feels most comfortable/right for you. Much better to "take it easy" and take time to find something/someone who "gels" than trying to logically pinpoint.......or try to "fit" yourself into x, y, or z if it's not right for you.
But do you think that maybe it's worth taking a bit of a step back from "is s/he, isn't s/he?", and take more time getting to know the other person, then maybe you'll get a better or more realistic idea of your true feelings towards them.
Afterall its sometimes the "getting into someone's head"/knowing a whole lot more about them, that's really going to be the make or break bit, and up until then however intense the feelings/however hard it is...........Well you get the idea, maybe slow it down a bit??
And if the second girl broke up, then maybe she just wasn't the right one for you. But when the right person comes along, someone you build a real connection with it's going to last a lot longer than that did. And there will be other people in your life who matter to you.
There's a chance other relationships won't make the mark either along the way, but even so they're still going to be a learning experience and bring you closer to finding someone who is going to be there for the "long haul"/someone who is really right for you.
But you know right now, I'd say that your main focus should really be on you, right?
It's you who needs your attention more than anyone else!! So perhaps focus as much on what will make you feel good, without that needing to be dependent on someone/anyone else? You can do it, you're the most important one in all of this!!
Not sure if I went a little off topic there??? Just let me know if I have, or I'm on the wrong tracks!!
Alison

[p_1994]

Haha Na you didn't get off track .....I think I just 'feel' I "need" someone like even if I'm in the "friend zone" I'm still pretty much happy with that .... I don't know I guess I enjoy the attention from the person/s I am interested in. ...am I a attention seeker? I and why us it any sudden noises scare the cr@p out of me and why do I feel the need to be 'loved' as I don't have parents/family issues ? Why the heck do I prefer such quiet environment? And when I'm in a crowded environment I get panicking and hard to breath I have to like run out of the place/s and get some air ? Are these called anxiety or panic attacks if so why do they happen? and as for sexuality I am extremely accepted of it so is family and friends for Me it's no big deal with sexuality ....

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I'd say that there's nothing wrong at all with needing "someone" around and wanting the attention of the person/s you're interested in, needing to be "loved".
Most people are going to feel like that to different degrees. As long as you can still feel good about/in yourself, like yourself for who you are without that depending on someone else/anyone else. And of course, that you're still recognizing/respecting/valuing the other persons/people's needs/wishes/individuality in all of that too.
With some things you've said though, maybe just the way I'm reading it but do you think that when you're out of your "comfort zone" e.g. with not with family or close friends you can feel a bit insecure/lack confidence/feel a bit overwhelmed perhaps?? Just a thought......
Anyway, you say you prefer quieter environments like it's a bad thing? Unless that's really impacting on what you want to be doing/how you want to live your life it really doesn't have to be bad. Some people just do prefer quieter environments, everyone's different. Maybe try to find activities/things to do with others in more laid back settings or link in with other people who share the same preferences as well if that's just "part of who you are" assuming you'd still be getting enjoyment/satisfaction in more of those kind of settings and maybe just try the noisier (?) settings occasionally for a change/bit of diversity if you want to/feel like it.
From what you've said it does sound like panic/anxiety attacks you've been having in the more crowded environments though. Still....sometimes can be ways around those, depending on where they're coming from and how bad they are.
Could you keep a bit more "on the outskirts" when in places like that? Focus on certain things/people? Try to pinpoint the signs when you're just starting to get anxious and tell yourself something reassuring....repeat, repeat, repeat if necessary? Try some deep breathing exercises? Focus on when you're going to be out of them if you have to?
But why do they happen- well there can be lots of reasons e.g. negative experiences previously, fear of something happening (even if the chances are so tiny of that something happening), fear of other peoples expectations and living up to them, stress............
But sometimes just the experience of having a panic attack can cause either the chances of having a panic attack, or the amount of panic you're having while you're having one to escalate so much more. There's a really good forum on Anxiety, Panic (and Phobias) on here though, so maybe worth dropping in and taking a look?
And as for the sexuality bit, that's really good that you/others are fine with it. You/they should be!!

[p_1994]

Well I enjoy being "loved" like every other person does but I feel like I require it in order for me to be happy bout myself ...As sad as that sounds lol ..but as for the noise I simply hate noisy environments I can't concentrate even if it's just like 2 people talking in one room it is really difficult and it is hard when you are studying but yea today my burn mark actually started giving me pain (I don't feel anything in my arm due to a condition I have) which is strange but then again I did put the cigarette on it for roughly 10-15 seconds bout 10 times

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[p_1994]

By the way by what I have said am I desperate or is this like a mental disorder thing :/

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[p_1994]

Or neither?

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[Frankbtl]

Hi, do you think that you could find ways to feel good about yourself which aren't as dependent on being loved? I'm not saying being loved need be a bad thing, or that you shouldn't feel good about yourself in being loved, but it would be good if you could feel good just for being you.
Perhaps reflect a bit more on your good qualities (things that mean something to you) and there will be some!! And on your achievements, your postive memories, things you've done, hopes, dreams..........
The "desperate" bit, maybe that depends on how deep it runs.......the effects when/if you feel you haven't got that "love", the measures you go to try to find that, the positions you put yourself in in order to get/feel it??
Then you know, insecurity, lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem, not feeling valued can really help trigger the "I need............". So perhaps have a think about things which may have made you feel like this, challenge them a bit andddd.........back to the focus on your good qualities, achievements etc.
The intolerance to "noise", what do you think?? Could it come from the anxiety? Depression, which can make it hard to keep focus anyway? The social aspect, you're maybe a little less comfortable with at times? Pressure/stress in your life? Although sometimes it can be a combination of things. Maybe "try on" a few ideas and see if any feel just a little way to feeling "right"?
And naturally.....if you can minimize some of the noise around you........I know you may be really limited in this......but every little helps, right?
About the burn though, you did say that it might be a third degree burn, and putting a cigarette there for that long........Have you had it checked out medically? It does sound pretty bad, and hey, even the risk of infection......If you haven't already, get it checked out, please.
Alison

[p_1994]

Well there's no point of getting it checked out as it will heal any way with or without medical attention..... last time I seeked medical au

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[p_1994]

×Medical attention didn't end well :-(

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[p_1994]

**TRIGGER WARNING**I very recently had a bad depression state not even 6 months ago and I'm afraid that I have/am falling into a relapse :/ I due to the some what relationship. Issues. I had earlier I began SI'ing. My self and I don't know why I have continued. To do it but this is going to sound ****ed. Up but I enjoy it.... I love seeing number blood. Rush out in think chunks I just love the view of it but I Know it's wrong but all I constantly. Think bout is going to local grocery store and buy some razors. As I'm out of "tools" which pisses me off even more.

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[p_1994]

*Thick blood rush out in thick chunks

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[Frankbtl]

Hi, I guess the thing with SI is you have to want to stop. Really, really want to stop to stand a chance in moving past it!! Although there can be a whole lot more (!!) to it than that, without that it's unlikely to happen whatever.
Now if there's something/anything that you might be able to find (if not right now, then at some time) to lead you to that point............
It is definitely worth talking to someone about the depression though. I mean you'd want to walk away from the consequences of that building any day, right? And in dealing with that it may take you a step away from the SI.
Alison