ugh

welp... i'm DID... so life is complicated. I'm supposed to be in the hospital right now, but I told my provider (via text) that I couldn't go for various reasons. If I had told her the true extent of my SI, she likely would have sent a crisis team and forced me to go. And I know I can't talk in here directly about what happened. I kind of wish I could - but I'd also be too embarrassed. Anyway... the SI has taken on a new level of scary and I feel like I should KNOW how to deal with this already and have done with it, since I've been harming since 2003 I think. But I don't feel I can discuss this particular one with anyone without them freaking out.
The first time, I did kind of try to tell my dr, and when she tried to figure out what I was really saying, I dissociated and she got concerned and called my therapist in from the next wing over, who came in and said to me "You're freaking people out". :/ This second time the alternate self harmed, there was some damage, but I can't CAN'T get seen for it... i just can't do it. There didn't appear to be any damage the first time they did it. But I worry it is just beginning and I don't have anywhere to turn.

Hello, Kiya. Please print a copy of your post for your treatment team. The concerns you raise need to be addressed.

I wish you well.

Kiya,
My first suggestion is to put the alter on lockdown in a safe room. My next suggestion would be to have a protector who will promise not to hurt the body to come out for a little bit. You should maybe go in a safe room as well? Maybe the protector can talk to your T for you? Usually, I don't suggest these two things right away, but it sounds to me like you need help, and these are the two suggestions I have at the moment.
I also agree with glok, print this post out and give it to your T.
Please keep talking to us here. Nobody on this forum should judge you. Many of us may have actually been where you currently are. We are here to support you.
Hugs.

Be safe,

Celtic

(((((((( Kiya )))))))))

Hi all - forgot I even wrote this post. Well, where to even start.... So my providers now all know what the self harm was. 2 were concerned and one (psych nurse) simply said "this is good forward movement in that the alters are starting to ask for help - unhealthy, even - and starting to tell people. They're showing they need help. and we will create a safety plan together" ...which we didn't do.
So i wrote that post on the 21st.... saw T on the 23rd (harming on the arms first tho) and managed to hint to what the issue was and she finally got it. She asked if I needed to be hospitalized. I dissociated and switched alters. she spent time making small talk to try and bring me back. at the end of session again she talked about arranging it so I could go to the hosp. The alter (who is both harmer and protector) said she didn't know what to do (which is new - she usually straight refuses). T caught on to that mighty fast, but let "us" make the decision - we couldn't. We sat in the lobby for an hour and T actually drove us home (just down the street) since it was pouring rain. Not another word was said.
That night, I felt her working up to harming in that way again. I got real scared and called crisis. I packed a bag. Crisis sent a cab and I went to the hosp. I had to wait an hour and then got back to "observation" and took my night meds. I got calm and sleepy. They said "oh you're calm now, do you feel like you can be safe if we send you home?" :/ so I was there less than 2 hours. Of course the hosp says 'meet with your provider/s tomorrow'. but I didn't. They know I went, the paperwork gets sent to them. And I let pnurse know when I went in. I didn't hear from anybody. I know it is my responsibility to check in with them. But I admit I was sad that not one of them checked in with me.
One of the days lately I forgot to take meds - then purposely, we didn't take them. "acting out". pnurse said it would likely get worse before it gets better. I see her in 2 weeks... I really doubt a safety plan will be made. Crisis wanted a plan with her for when these things happen so that the hospital can be told in advance what is going on, how to help, and what pnurse wants. I never heard back tho from pnurse.
To be fair with the hospital, i didn't tell them what had really brought me in. They saw the cuts on the arms but I couldn't tell them more than that. Crisis talked with the social worker there, but I don't know what all got related to her - she's the one who sent me home. The nurse and dr were both male so i COULDN'T tell them what was really going on and the gal i usually work with at that hosp wasn't there she knows me and knows how to help and that we are afraid of men.
This time, i didn't seem to care about the men issue. I was in what I call the "empty space" where no one in us is really present. The body moves and responds, but that's it.
So i didn't tell them. i could NOT have an exam. and i couldn't get put on a hold - I have a cat to care for. So i didn't. :/ When the dr asked me if i would harm if I went home, I couldn't answer at first. My head was screaming SAY NO!!!!! And finally some self said "nnnnnoooooooo????" and i laughed in that embarrassed "i totally know I just got caught" thing... and he smiled and let me go home.
What you are both saying about "a safe room" is interesting - we don't have one of those for alters, tho i have heard others speak of such. I also don't know if i can with her - she is as strong as I am. At this point in time, she and I seem to be the main people. The others come and go, but they used to be more involved all the time.
At this point I feel i have to just walk away from the situation and hope for the best. Or maybe even quit therapy, since she seems to injure after therapy. She might even be doing it to scare T off and make her terminate us (since we still badly miss our old T).
I don't know..... thank you for your thoughtful insight.

Kiya,
Talk to your alter. Find out what it is with therapy. Would she be better with a different therapist? Is she just scared? Does she feel threatened because the secretes are coming out?
Both she and you need to understand that therapy is there to help you. Do not give up on it. The system needs to work together and begin to trust each other and trust a T. Keep try in Kiya.
As for the safe room, maybe it is time to build one? Maybe ask the others to help you create the room, what do you all want in it? Books? Coloring books and crayons? Journals? Chair? Couch? Bed? Carpet? You all decide and make the room together. This is where alters who are not safe will go until they are ready to be nice to the body.
You also might wat to consider having a gate keeper, one who makes sure it is appropriate for an alter to be out. Just some thoughts.
Good luck! I hope things get better!

Celtic

It's me, 10 - i'm the other that K is talking bout.
i can't do a safe room cuz my T is gone! only she could do somethng like that with us! K says no, that was a 'container to put memories in'. but i member T saying first it was a container to put US in! don't she know that we can't breathe in a container? We can't be traped!
Everybody went away - K and 6 and samantha and nearly everbody. now there's only host and me and 22. well sometimes 6. even 3 left. so did her twin. my twin is still kinda around and kinda not. but he's harmful too. and he makes me be mean.
i dunno about a gate keeper. k and i are the strongest now. sometimees 22, but she's not wanting to be part of the system really.
it scares me to think i might be in a room i cant get out of @_@ doesn't that scare your people?? 6 is good at esxkaping anyway. so i bet we could still get out.
i dont like K's new t. i don't trust her. she eyes us weird like she doesn't trust us either. but then she want s to hug us. it's weird too when i'm out and then she wants to hug us but then we're taller than her by a lot. we're not all that tall, but K is the body and she's taller and that makes no sense.
I really reeeeeely miss my t!!!! she has cancer and went away!!! and this new t can't ever remember who i am - or any of us. we've seen her for i think 2 months. mabee 10 times is not enuff to know us? i still have to point to my stuffie for her to know me. I am afraid to go werdnesdya. i have a hard time after we see her. i haven't done notffink since last time. so that's like a record for me right now.
but i'm stil skairt.
10

Hi 10, thank you for sharing what is going on. What you are describing sounds like integration maybe? Where the different parts basically become one with K? What I am talking about is a safe room. It would be like your bedroom inside, but it would be a room you go to when you feel you are going to hurt the body. You all would have to work together to decide how you want it to look and be. It is not a container. Think about the other rooms you have inside, you can go in and out of those, right? This would just be another room to help keep the body and each of you safe.
Maybe you could try a little more with your new T? Ask her if she has worked with DID before or not. If not then you all need to work together to decide if you want to be her first or if you want to find a T that specialized in DID. You could even see both if you wanted. You as a system need to work together and help each other out. You need to communicate. Also, if you are uncomfortable with your T hugging you, tell your T that. She should not be upset, and if she is then you know you need to find a new T.

Be well,

Celtic

Hey - trying to stay "me" while 10 is thinking
we don't have inner rooms - never have. Is that common? I'll have to check the DID forum. We just change places from forward to back, so that when 10 is forward, I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back like the back of a football field. well, when most any of them are forward. Some share head space with me all the time anyway, but when they take charge, the littles push me way back, while some share "Forward", if that makes sense. One other adult admittedly often pushes 10 to injure, if she's unsure if she really wants to or not. 22 will say "oh just do it!" 22 has her own form of harm, namly alcohol. After a really hard monday yesterday, she ended up in front and got what she wanted. Thankfully, tho, there has be no physical injury in a week since I made 10 go into the ER. That's what I was hoping for - a wake up call to her that 'if you do this, this is the consequence'.
I will have to figure out this whole T thing... and pnurse also. None of it is going well. Plus the stress of trying to find a healthier place to live (moving upsets EVERYONE because after a move as a kid was when we were hurt by the abuser and we moved often). Getting to this place was super hard with 6. She was so scared. But it really is unhealthy and I think they injure all the more because of the stress here.
Thank you for sharing your ideas! I have heard of people "meeting at the conference table" and having check-ins. it's a totally foreign concept for us. There is no inner design.
OMG hahahah, I just thought of Sesame Street with Elmo going "Near..... FAR!!!!! Near....... Far!!!!!!!"

near and far, that's how I get sometimes, but I'm not technically DID... I think I understand what you mean though... I hope you all can figure out how to stay safe, and make T and pnurse a safe expereince (emotionally and physically).
Also, I love that sesame street clip... always have.

I think i have found an answer.... not think about it. for now. not acknowledge it.
Pnurse has made it clear that even though she puts her self out there as a therapist, she shouldn't and really doesn't have time for all the things she says she will do. I cancelled my apnt with her next week. I am in a place where it no longer matters. I have to accept her limitations, even while she cannot. I must treat her as ONLY my prescriber and not a therapst or someone to lean on in troubled times. Not some one to call if I think I will be unsafe.
Really, same goes for my new T, as I learned today. I didn't bother following up with any of my providers after my 2.5 hours in the Psych ER - I knew one of them would be sent a memo that I'd been there. my medical doc got the notice and informed T.
Today T thought I'd missed my apnt and called me an hour early to see why I wasn't there - she was worried. Then when I was there she said 'I'm sorry I accused you of a no-show" which is quite different than 'worry', but T is not consistent. We bantered back and forth, her not letting me finish any sentences and constantly changing the topics. -which I'm like 'whatever' at this point - Then at the end she said "What a good session; just chit chatting and picking each other's brains. This works for me." Huh. ok so you're not a trauma therapist, or just so close to retiring that you don't give a s***. Which is fine. I don't give one either at this point (and I'm really not being cynical - I just really don't). She can't be what I need and trying to make her be what I need isn't going to work. Harming isn't going to make her care more for me or try to help me more or see the pain more. And I am not willing to put myself out there for someone who can't remember who i am from session to session... and I'm ... i dunno -just done? - and really don't want to do therapy anyway, but my Doc won't let me drop. Soooooooo.... I guess that's that.
I can report that there has been no injury in a week Maybe I am in a new space of 'acceptance' now.
Thanks everyone so much for all the replies, it really helped!!!