[sujunew]

I am going to a wedding this afternoon- my best friend. Being the middle of summer, and SO SO hot I have been dreading choosing something to wear. Mum offered to buy me something ( my parents are going too) so I felt a bit better, but still had to find something 'suitable'. This is the biggest downside to SI IMO- the scars that cover the body. I chose a summer dress I had tried on several times (I had even gone out early January and bought a 1/2 cardigan, light with 3/4 sleeves to cover as much as poss) but I have had a BIG setback in the lst week and when I got dressed you could actually SEE all the latest cuts through the cardigan . I returned the dress and am now wearing a long sleeved THIN top that has enough pattern to not see the cuts, and a long skirt. Not the summer feel I had in mind but my only option really. I HATE SI; I HATE SI; I HATE SI. How can something so awful feel SOOOO good???

[ickydog2006]

I'm sorry.... and I know what you mean. I hope everything goes well at the wedding. Try to have fun.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

[Irine]

"I HATE SI; I HATE SI; I HATE SI. How can something so awful feel SOOOO good??? "

are you still doing it?

[sujunew]

yes, unfortunately. I have had about 2 months off tho!

[Irine]

yep, i am very sorry for you.
do you want to stop?

[silver_queen]

(((((((((( irish )))))))))))

Yes, summer can cause LOTS of problems

I'm glad you've found something suitable to wear, even if it wasn't what you had in mind.

btw I think it's the Red Cross which offers some kind of skin camouflage stuff which they offer for scars and supposedly even for SI scars, would that be something you could look into?

[sujunew]

my nurse has even offered to look into laser treatment for me, to see if something may help. I will def try the Red Cross- although i don't know if they do anything like that here; will find out anyway!

I would LOVE to stop; trouble is that I can, and do, for ages at times (I think 1-2yrs at one point) but the urge is overwhelming. My biggest 'reason' NOT to do it is coz of the scars... hmmm...something not registering there lol

[Irine]

i know what you say. i know i maybe be asking a stupid question.

but hae you ever tried to go to a concelor or somehting like that?
and if you have been to treatment or something of that kind b4, if so i guess the concelor or the teatment wasn`t good enough to make it stop?

can i ask you when do you have the overwhelming urge ?
can you tell in what cases you want to hurt yourself?

[sujunew]

Basically, the REASONS I SI are:- to release tension; and to feel physical pain. I have tried:- CBT, meds, distraction, counselling...to stop but part of my problem is that I disassociate very easily and often SI at these times. I don't open up very easily either (usually), and find it SOOO hard asking for help or ringing a helpline when I start to feel this way. Coz I don't open up, things build up inside and I need a release. The pain inside is easily blocked off, and feeling it in a physical sense validates it more. At the mo, e.g., i am under overwhelming stress at home and am getting very little help (due to lack of resources, not lack of ASKING!!!) and the stress is mounting up. SI at the mo is my way of staying 'grounded'- not disassociating and blocking 'life' out but feeling the tension ease and feeling connected to the world... I know I have contradicted myself a couple of times, but the reasons change according to the circumstances.

[Irine]

what the heck!!!!!!!!
i just posted somehting and all that now deleated!!!!!

o.k . from the very begining
i understand your hard circumstances.
and b4 i write this post i want to say that i am not juding and critisizing you in any way!
i just wanted to say that -

"to stop but part of my problem is that I disassociate very easily and often SI at these times. I don't open up very easily either (usually), and find it SOOO hard asking for help or ringing a helpline when I start to feel this way. Coz I don't open up, things build up inside and I need a release. "

is it becasue you don`t like being vulnerable?
or becasue you feel that you are being/showing yourself as weak if you aks for help?
it seems to me like that but i DON`T KNOW i can only assumle it is so. you may have your won reasons....
but you know,,in the end we all want what is good for us.

i think part of the probelm is that as much as we HATE it- we also LOVE IT! if we don`t like it particulary then why we do it? there are "adventages" for this-to release stress like you said.
i know from my experiace taht physicial excercise are a good way to take out all the negative energies you have!
and especially if you do ALITTLE more than you think you can-you will feel pain. and it`s natiral-not too much
i wanted to tell you that if you can stop for a year and more than you can stop forever-i know it`s NOT that easy! i know!
but i know also that we don`t know what powers we have.
we are susally unaware of them... we are much stronger than we think we are.
and i believe in you, if it matters......

**you can ignore my message if you don`t like it.
i just wanted to encourage you a bit! **

[Irine]

-well i am sorry i guess i didn`t have to.
i broke one of the most important rules and i hope not to do that again.

it just took me some time to write with post so i don`t want to edit it out
maybe someone who really looks for advice would bennefit from it.

but i suppose i didn`t have to give advices where they aren`t needed.
sorry for that

[sujunew]

thanks for the support
I've just finished reading your post about "why?", and I really appreciate it when ppl ask about things rather than speculate and come to their own assumptions/conclusions. It is the same with my daughter who has a tracheostomy- I HATE it when ppl stare at her but thank those who ask what that tube is sticking out of her throat/why is it here etc. I agree totally with what the other members said about reasons why- and for me it is definitely NOT about attention; if it waasn't for my nurse and therapist asking about it no-one would know, and the only times I have told anyone is when I have needed medical attention- which has been hardly ever.
I have stopped SIing for over a year- but it is an addiction and unlike smoking, which I can give up cold turkey whenever I am ready (I gave up 2 months ago, had 2 pkts last week when things were really bad, and had nothing since), I can't seem to stop even though I hate it so much and it is ruining my life. (I have scars over so much of my body I would have to wear sleeves covering my hands, and socks 24/7 to hide everything, such is the extent of the scarring)

[Irine]

yes....
i think that IF PEOPLE FIND WAHT`S CAUSING IT
then they can move closer to healing themselvs!
i guess something is a but wrong though.... (with me)
i don`t have to visit this forum everyday!