Scars

I was just wondering how people feel about their scars. I've cut during one week of the past 14 months. The scars are beginning to fade and I find myself rubbing them and wishing for more. I hate that I am thinking this way again.
In the past I've had a lot of feelings about my scars. Sometimes I've been ashamed and hid them. I've felt weak and useless because of them. Other times I've felt like I'm a survivor. Kind of like "Look at my battle wounds. I'm still here." Sometimes I've felt proud that there were no new ones. Sometimes I've just been very accepting that cutting is a part of my past and the scars are a part of me.
I'm just curious how other's feel. Please share.

Hello Kim,
My feelings about my scars are very similiar to your feelings. When I go to the doctors for a routine check up I am frightened they will see the scars and ask me where I got them cause I am secretly terrified that they will think I am suicidal somehow which I am not. At times I am nervous my hubby will see new scars and know that I have cut more recently then he thought. Sometimes I am proud of my scars like you said kinda like tell tail sounds of a battle that I am mostly surviving. Other times I look at them and am secretly anger that I didn't make them deeper. I too have very mixed feelings about my scars.

I've felt about like you have about my scars. There was a time when I was terrified of anyone noticing them, and I kept them covered as much as I could. Recently, I have not really cared who sees my scars. I'm not too bad at explaining them now - more comfortable taking about SI. Sometimes I almost hope somebody would notice. I'm disappointed that my T has never wanted to see any of the scars, and my doctor didn't either when I told her about being a self-injurer.

I look at them quite a bit, and I worry that they would fade too much. If they faded too much, I would have to make more scars. I guess that to me, they are a reminder of being real, and of having some very intense feelings, that I can't always credit as being legitimate feelings. The scars are the proof.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

i'm with y'all. how i feel about my scars all depends on who i'm around and how i'm feeling. if my mom's around, i have to hide them. when i first started, she saw a little scar an freaked out on me. she doesn't know that i did it on purpose, or that i still si. when i'm around people that at least pretend to care and that i trust, they usually make me show them to see if there are anymore. when i feel so bad that i want help, i usually make it a point to let people see them. when the scars fade, i'll either wanna do it again or just be happy that they're gone. to me, they serve as a reminder of things that have happened or how stupid i've been. i tend to forget things anyway, so might as well make it last

I don't have many noticable scars. I do most of my cutting on my palms which take a rather deep cut to leave a scar and the scars that are there are lost among the other lines. There is only one that is real noticable, it was my first time cutting. I find that interesting. My other SI involve needles and such and leave small marks that are hard to see or are internal. When I have a new injury I get sad as it heals, I have no pride in the injury and little shame. I hide them because they are mine and like others am afraid those who see them may not understand.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

I have a lot of pride when it comes to cutting and my scars. I often want more of them, like if they start fading. I think my scars are beautiful. Now how distorted is that! But right now I am not cutting so I have to live with the fading scars.

Kim,
I don't describe myself in the forums as one who struggles with SI, but I used to even before I knew what it was or why I did it--yes, I am somewhat proud of them at times, and other times I hide them; It's been many years since SI (with the exception of a suicide attempt) and I'm thankful that this is not yet another problem I have to deal with.
Never be ashamed of your scars, you are still here, and that is very worth being proud of.
Blessings,
Jon

When I started SI as a teenager, I used to hide them...but hope someone would see them and put me in a hospital, regular or otherwise. I wasn't sure why I felt that way, and became ashamed of them, as I didn't know anyone else who did anything similar or know it had a name or anything like that. So I started hiding them in earnest, and any new ones in places that would be easy to cover. They became secretive.

The weird thing about mine, are doctor induced scars (surgical) and ones from (real) accidents are still there...and the ones I have given myself are completely gone. (they were not insignificant in size or anything either). It seems some significance is there that some have disappeared, but I haven't figured it out yet. I haven't done anything to make new ones in quite awhile though...tempted recently, but haven't acted. So basically I have nothing to hide now...which also feels weird in it's own way.



<font color=purple>Pain can indeed be a beautiful thing</font color=purple>

Thanks for sharing; and I'm glad that you haven't acted lately--I just don't know why you think pain is so beautiful, I think it sucks.
Jon

Pain is beautiful in that it lets you know you are alive. Physical pain allows you know that the hurting is real and can act like a pressure valve. It can still the storms in my brain and calm panic in my heart. At times my emotions shut down so far that I would do just about anything to feel, sadly that included cutting.

Having said all that however, I personally have to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame - which can trigger another round.

Dalila

"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker

I guess I can relate with the need to feel--however I am so grateful that I am not plagued with the need to SI in order to feel. I too can relate with the emotions shutting down--good luck.
Jon

I try to hide my scars as much as I can. I get nervous if someone sees one and think they might ask me how that happened. I always make up something. I still pretty much try to hide them though but I don't wear long sleeves and long pants all the time. I just try not to get too close to someone and turn my arms a certain way so they can't see them. Going to the doctor is very nerve racking because doctors will sometimes ask me and I have told them the truth on occasion, and made something up most of the time.
I should maybe try to see them as battles with myself, won or not won, who knows.

My scars often disgust me. I look at them and think "how stupid ARE you, anyway?" that I would resort to something like that. They make me a little angry, too, because nobody ever takes them seriously or as an indication that I might be a little (!) overwhelmed with things and need help.

I don't hide them, though. There's something to looking at them as battle wounds. I self-injured around Mother's Day (very triggering time for me on a couple of fronts) for the first time in a year or so ... and I look at the thin, barely noticeable scar that I allowed myself before I made myself stop, and think "WIMP." All my mental health pros are going to blow it off because it's hardly noticeable. It's like you have to go deep enough to require stitches to get them to pay attention. This one is so insignificant that it could reasonably be passed off as a cat scratch.

People stare sometimes, but I let them. Who cares what they think? My scars represent a lot of pain. When I'm in "reasonably healthy" mode, I feel bad about them, but most of the time I just look at them as things I did to deal with overwhelming pain/anger/fear and don't rule out adding to my collection. (I'm a mess, I know.)

Candy

&lt;i&gt;There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers&lt;/i&gt;

hey my name is vivan and thats the same way i feel about it

i think im the same as everyone else here, i hate them but in the company of close friends i tend not to worry about them. family dont know about them tho :S