Emotional scars VS physical scars *trigger*

I had a bad night yesterday. I was so happy to get into the chat room with so many last night. It had got me through for the most part. I was able to go to bed and I fell asleep fast. I was so darn sleepy and my tummy did not feel so great. Anyway, I woke up around 5am with such a nightmare I woke up the household.

I had climbed in the bed in my kids room as my son was having a rough night. He kept on waking up off and on and asked me to sleep beside him. Next thing I knew I was sitting up straight with my face soaked in tears and everyone staring at me. Even the dog was upset. I felt so stupid, what the heck do u say? I told them I had a bad dream and got them settled back to sleep. I was still so upset. I went into my room and rocked back and forth. The tears, fear of what just went through my head, memories I wish I could will away. I tried to calm myself, but not very successful.

So I ended up fighting with my stupid razor. I have so many cuts on my stomach and chest. One of them really needed to be "fixed up." No way was I making a trip to ER. So I will just keep it clean. I guess the part that bothers me is the scars. I have many emotional scars but looking at the physically ones is a constant reminder of my weaknesses. I screwed up, again. Now today I feel like the ugliest, fattest, terrible person that I am.

I think today I will stay away from food. I will drink though. I have already had a cup of coffee, which is good for me. I know coffee is not the healthiest thing, but like my doctor said; anything is something. I am taking my kids swimming today. I am not going in the water today as I took too many laxatives with this mess last night. sry, yucky. I am running too the hated room today. But they will have fun. I like watching them, they love water. And they like it when I watch. Was going to skate but they just want to do swimming today.

Justy

please be careful

Justy,
You are in my heart and my thoughts. I don't have any great words. I wish I did. Just know I care. I know it is hard but try to love yourself. If you can't love all of you right now find one thing about yourself to love.
In light and love,
Carrie

(((justy)))

hope you're taking care of yourself. I am of the belief that the worst scars are the ones that no one else can see. I know what you mean by that, but have no wise words. Just stay safe dear.

Kimberly.

((((justy))))

Hey, thanks all. Yes, the hidden ones, inside are the tough ones. I guess just seeing them reminds me of too much; feels overwhelming.

I am okay. I can keep little things down which is a big deal. I am having a hard time with it though, I won't deny that. Really emotional. I cried for 3 hours last night; straight. I looked like my eye balls were missing. My eyes were so swollen I did not want anyone to look at me. I held my head down all day. I think I fell asleep at 5 and had to get up at 6:30. Feel like crap. (sry).

I am having so many SI urges. I went and spoke with my regular t today. I was okay then suddenly I broke down. Then I was mad for falling apart. I told her about all the cuts. And told her that if I did not do this, well I would have taken "too many" tylenol. I have been struggling with this as well. Its never just a couple, its a handful. I don't get why. I had them in my hand last night, but got mad and put them back. I have to fight within myself to stop this madness. I have to win. I won't allow this. I am simply afraid, thats all.

Justy

(((((((Justy))))))))

Take care of yourself, please. You do have to win. Stick with us - we can beat this if we all work together.

Love,
Rapunzel

So many racing thoughts again. Its already 1:30am and I am beat. I tried to relax and get some rest. Not working so good.

I would be a month away from my due date now. When I see a pregnant lady or a new born, I have to look away. As much as I am happy to see this beauty, it hurts. Its been about 4 and a half months now since we lost our baby. This recent one was not as hard cause I knew something was wrong. And I knew I could not safely carry. Not that it didn't cause some tears, but I am just trying not to think about it. Something was wrong so nature took its course.

But the baby that I had to decide if I should risk keeping is haunting me. The what if's and wanting to take back my choice. I know that I was in danger of attempting to have this child but it still hurts. Its been on my mind for several days now. And I feel so sad.

I was at the store with my kids a couple of weeks ago. We walked by the baby section and I tried to avoid looking at anything in this area. But my little girl stopped to look at these cute pictures they had of babies. She wanted me to look at them. I did not know what to say, so I went over. There it was; the crib I had picked out. I couldn't help the tears, they poured. I tried to hide this from her and bolted to the washroom at the back of the store. I tried to stop these tears, just couldn't. My daughter came in and asked me what was wrong. I thought OMG, how can I answer this. My voice was quivering and I said I was fine. She is a smart girl, she knew better. So I came out of the stall and told her I still think about the baby. She was good about it and I made sure she did not feel bad.

Since this I can't get it out of my head. I think some of my SI thoughts are the want to release this. And tonight is one of them. I want to scream and yell. Take this pain away, please. How do I deal with this? I don't know what to do. I need help.

Justy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know how you feel having made that decision once before.
In Love and Light,
Carrie

Thanks Carrie. How do u deal with this? When this gets hard to face, what helps get through this difficult decision? You don't have to answer, just kind of lost with this.

Well the night did not go well. Pretty soon I won't have any spots without a mess. Yep I failed once again. How ugly is that.

I give in. I am going to see my doctor shortly here. I really need something to sleep better. Maybe something to calm me. I need to be honest as ashamed as I feel. I can't continue to harm myself like this. I can't replace negatives with other negatives; thats what I am doing and its not good.

Thanks for the support, I love u all.

Justy

I had to spend a lot of time talking about it with my T. It was hard to work through. Talking to him helped, prayer helped. And of course time. I made the decision because I was afraid my boyfriend would leave me and I would die. The fear was all consuming and totally borderline. But once I got married to him the guilt of what I had done fell on me. Regret. Sigh. After awhile I started hating my hubby for making it all happen. Not a good situation. Yeah, I spent a lot of time talking about it with my T.
Carrie

Wow Zenobia; sounds like a tough spot to be in. Its great to know u had your t to confide in. I am finding this harder and harder. I talked to my t today and told her I am in trouble. She knows what this means. I am afraid of being hospitalized. Tomorrow is our meeting and we will look at this and figure something out.

I keep dreaming about babies. Me being pregnant then something goes wrong. My due date is getting closer, its hurting way too much. I have come to realize how much this is affecting me. But I am glad to see this, makes a lot of sense.

My fear with this is the fact that my due date was new years eve. This year I will be alone. My kids are with dad, bf has to work till 6am, my parents are gone. I am alone and have actually thought of a "plan". Not good at all. I can't do this. I know the signs within myself and need to get help. I can't take it back after now can I? So this is coming out tomorrow, and I am frightened. I need something in place for this time to get through safely. So I suppose by realizing this; well its good. I know what I need and can get this set up for this time. I am without a doubt; afraid of whats to come.

Good step today with something else though. I have been struggling with my urges to gamble again. I went to AADAC. I am going to be starting with counseling again. I have to beat this before I allow myself to get out of control and have many more problems to deal with. I had to stop in the building to sign papers at another office. I walked by AADAC and it took a lot to go in. I have been thinking about it for some time now; well this was the time.

Justy

Was thinking about SI; well obsessing more like it. Not gunna do it!!

Just going to sit here and cry till I have no more tears to give. Don't care about headaches, just want to let myself fall apart and pick up the peices in the morning.

I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. And I am going to let this out tonight before I blow. I am sorry for this yucky post.

Justy

I know this sounds weird but I like the total body exhaustion I have after a really good cry. Every fiber of my body feels heavy and empty and ready to lie down for a good sleep. My eyes have no problem closing because they are totally puffed up already and don't have far to go to shut.
Carrie

Carrie:

Doesn't sound weird to me, I know that feelings well and I have to say that it is such a relief to feel that way. And blessed sleep....ahhhh.....always sleep much better when I've gotten it all out.

It might just be what you needed tonight Justy. I'm sending positive thoughts your way hun. ((((((hugs)))))) I hope you had a good cry and got it all out. It always makes me feel better.

Take Care of yourselves,
Kimberly.

Yep I felt better. I took a sleeping pill last night, I had too.

And I got to sleep for like 8hrs. Whooo hoooo. My bf told me to stay in bed and he got the kids off and running. How wonderful of him.

Had my meeting........hehe, was good.

Justy

How are you doing now, Justy?

I was doing okay Angela until last night. My home care nurse came over and we had to go over health concerns. It trigger me big time.

I had stayed away from the scale the past couple of days, knowing that with this fluid going in would change my weight. But nooooo, this stupid gal has to step on the thing. AAAAHHHHH, not good. So I freaked out and made a shopping trip to the drug store. I did my SI with this I suppose.

The other ones are healing alright, will have some ugly scars. But I am okay, my mood is not as bad as it has been. I know I messed up last night and am paying for it today, but its going to happen.

Thanks Angela. How are u my friend?

Justy

Why don't they do blind scales with you? I thought they always are supposed to do that when someone has an ED?

I'm sorry you had a rough night

Things are ok here.

I agree, Angela. It was always my assumption they did blind scales with ED. Seems the home health nurse should've had more tact and consideration. I'm so sorry for your pain ((((((Justy darling))))))

One day at a time...

Take Care of yourself,
Kimberly.

Sorry, it was me that weighed myself. I have been trying to stay away from the stupid thing. I step on it about 40 times a day and I need to stop obsessing. I have thought about getting rid of it but just can't right now. I will just go buy another one.

And no they have never used a blind scale. I have always been able to see my weight in the past. I find all to often that the consideration is lacking. And empathy for that matter. I had a really bad experience with home care. I lost my temper big time. I can't believe what she said to me and I have had with this bull sheet. I am not going to say too much more about it but I am sure I will get a call in the am. I am glad my bf knows exactally what took place today and stood behind me. He is extremely angry and said the same thing I did. hmmm; didn't I say before; 1step forward and 10 steps back. GRRRRR, I want to go to sleep and not wake up for about a year. And magically things are all better. lolol, dream world.

To top it all off, my poor babies got the flu. My little girl stayed home all day and we got a call this afternoon that my son did not make it to the washroom. He was so upset and embarrassed. I am glad that his teacher told everyone he stepped in doggie "doodoo" while they were outside. He is dreading going back tomorrow, I feel so bad for him. They were feeling pretty good by bed time. Hope they are okay in the am. Lots of hugs and kisses tonight, that always makes them feel better.

Justy