[STar427]

I just hate myself so much sometimes especially now. I just had a huge fight with my bf on the phone. He doesnt understand me but I love him so much. Once he came over after I si VERY VERY badly and he picked me up and cleaned me off. No one ever did that and it meant so much. But he doesnt understand why I act teh way I do.I feel like he hates me and doesnt love me and I just cant stop crying. I wish he was here but he cant be hes working and lives a bit far away. So Im all on my own and I cant deal with this.

[SweetCrusader]

i'm so sorry for everything you're going through. si can be really hard on both the si-er and the people who love them. it can be a huge strain on a relationship unfortunately. have you ever tried to explain to your bf that you're in a lot of pain, and that si helps you to deal with your pain? it might help. it also might help if you told him how you feel about yourself, and what kinds of things in your life are causing and have caused you so much pain. it might help him if he posted on this site or another like it about his feelings. then other si-ers can help you to explain to him what it's like, and how he can help. otherwise, i just tell him what you're going through the best way you can, and tell him how he can help. i hope you feel better soon. keep posting, anytime you need support. i'm here for you, and so are many others on this site!

((((((((((((STar427)))))))))))))) <---- hugs for you, only if it's ok with you

Take care! Best wishes!
SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

[shakes]

Star,
I feel for you. My boyfriend sounds a lot like yours. Willing to help me through all the crap I do to myself and I often wonder why he does. Then I start thinking that I do not deserve him and he will leave me because I am making him hate me. It is a horrible cycle isnt it?
The people on this board are very understanding and most are willing to chat to help whenever they can. I hope that things can start to work out for you.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[STar427]

Definately can use those hugs thanks. I have to go monday-friday without any hugs and Im a verrrry touchy needy kinda person. I only get to see my bf on friday nights- sunday nights and it kills me. We usually have good weekends and then the week comes and its like why even bother seeing each other on the weekends when the week is right there and ill be back to hating and hurting myself. He has a few issues himself (mainly trust) and I am the most loyal person and it hurts so much that he cant trust me sometimes and then I end up hurting myself. Its so hard to deal with things like this when you cant see each other. SOmetimes it hurts so bad I dont know why I bother with life in general.

[SweetCrusader]

well in that case, here are some more hugs for you!
(((((((((((((((STar))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((STar)))))))))))))))))))))))

i guess i misunderstood when i read your post, because i thought he wasn't being understanding of the si! glad to hear he IS trying to be supportive.

are either you or your bf in counseling? it sounds like you both could use individual counseling, and maybe some couples counseling, too.

best wishes,
SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

[lost_lonely]

I know how you feel about your boyfriend, STar. I'm on shaky ground with mine at the moment, and in my current state of mind I know I CAN'T go on without him. If it doesn't work out, I'm really afraid I'll make a serious attempt on my life. I also started cutting again, and I just feel so incredibly alone. I really hope things work out for you.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugz))))))))))))))))))))

[Zenobia]

I hide my self injury feelings/desires away from my husband because I am afraid that I will wear him out and he will leave me. This is after he has proved to me a million times over that he has no intention of ever leaving me, that he loves me with all his heart and that he needs me as much as I need him. Even though he has shown me this repeatedly I still can't trust him with my self injury. He does not know I hurt myself a few days ago. He suspects that I am struggling now but I can't tell him. I feel sorry for him because he is worried about me but I am not giving him any information so he is in the dark just wondering how bad it is this time. Sigh. Maybe that is something I need to change?

My therapist gave me an idea when I left town a few months ago to help me with the seperation anxiety. He suggested that my hubby and I plan a few things to do at the same time even though we were far apart. That way I would feel a connection to him even though he wasn't near me. A couple of ideas is picking out a movie that both of you will watch one night or you each can write a note to each other and open them at the same time during the middle of the week and read them. I also took one of my husband's shirts with me to sleep in. Putting it on at night felt like I was wrapping him around me. You could get a new shirt each weekend for the following week.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft