intentionally hurting myself

your T will not brush u off coz of your weight. if he did that he is not a T he is an ***. i know of this behavior, so if u want to PM me about it it is ok, it id something i would rather keep private. there is nothing disgusting or putrid about u, you are a lovely person. and the fact that u try to be a good person shows how good u truly are.
take care hunni
self

almost an hour till i leave for T appt...

i wrote down how i was feeling (or rather that i wasn't feeling), that i have been self injurying, and that i need help with a decision i have to give my boss tomorrow.

if nothing else i can show him that...

i'm afraid my SI-ing is just getting worse and i really don't care...i have something i'm trying to insert inside me and it won't fit - i bled a little yesterday...i know i won't quit trying. and my stomach and breasts are just riddled with thin red lines....

i am scared that if things do not go well today...i will become more forceful...most of my injuries have been half-hearted...i have held hope that with this visit i will be able to determine a direction...come up with a short term plan....if this doesn't happen ....then i will be completely alone and just drifting..... i won't like that

i'll post when i get home from appt

i'm so happy!!! i really really like my T!!!!!

i still can't believe it went so well!!! i didn't even have to give him what i wrote!

i talked about my self injurying - just the cutting, burning and scratching on my arms and stomach...not the sexual SI. i like that before i left he didn't ask me to not hurt myself...he only asked if i would be able to not do grave damage - like cutting into arteries and tendons. so i know he gets the SI thing.

i'm so relieved i could cry!!!!!

he also asked about work - he asked if i would be ready to go back after one more week of vacation and i said no. so he thinks short term disability is probably appropriate....i have to call my boss tomorrow and tell her....i don't wanna

but i don't care cause i really like my new T!!!!

sending you some kind thoughts, good luck on your boss.. it sounds like short term d. is the way to go...

I am so glad you like your new T. He sounds great. Good luck with work. Take care.

BB

i feel so bad and i do bad things



i don't know what is going to happen with my job and benefits but if it all goes the way i think it will...i won't be able to go to the T or docs anymore or pay for meds...



i put up an ad online on one of those adult sex sites...i have actually considered following through...letting men have sex with me is the worst SI i can imagine!!! it's quite intoxicatingly attractive - i don't think i could recover from that



for now i continue SI-ing there...i found a great new cutting tool...works like a charm...haven't gone very deep yet...i hope it gets infected....i'll make myself see a man doctor and be forced to expose myself...my putrid disgusting self



...the only love in my heart is for my two pups and my family...the rest is darkness....black shadows....emptiness....void of light, hope, love, emotion....just nothing....

<font color="#000088">The Adult Sex site thing is really not a good idea! Please, for your own safety, don't do that! We care about you here, and don't want to see anything really bad happen to you, and the men on those site's can get violent with you, and maybe even worse. I really would reconsider that decision, it could very well cost you your life! Not just sex, or a little harm done, there are very dangerous men on those sites, please be aware of that! I know you are hurting, and you seem to just continue the self-harm so badly, it scares me! I don't want to see anything bad happen to you, worse than what you're already doing. You're not a bad person, you're just a person who is suffering inside, and your trying to kill the pain inside. But PLEASE be careful, slow down, before you end up killing yourself. I say this because I feel your pain, and I care, and I don't want you to lose this internal battle with yourself!
((((((((((gostryter)))))))))) </font>

(((((((((justice))))))))))

thank you for your concern...i haven't done anything more with the site...been too busy dealing w/ crap

i'm in the process of losing my job...very stressful...it's not being done in an alltogether proper way...so extra stress

my T is worried about my SI-ing...he wanted me to go into the hospital today...but i said no...since he knows i'm not trying to kill myself he let me go home...(i think he'd commit me on the spot if he knew all of what i do!!)

but now i won't be able to afford T or God forbid a hospitalization!!! my last was over $8K!!! and he thinks i need to stay longer!!! come monday i'm not going to have medical insurance ...or an income....

i'm sad and scared...

<font color="#000088">If you live in the United States, and you have no income, you should be eligible for Medicaid insurance! (covers medical and mental health bills)It all depends on what State you live in, in California, it's called Medi-Cal. And the coverage issues vary upon what State you live in as well. Some states have more coverage than others. Like California's Medi-Cal covers Dental coverage as well as medical,and mental health. Utah's Medicaid, does not usually cover dental or eye care! It used to! But it does both in California! See what I mean about how the coverage varies depending on what State you're in? But Those are the only 2 States I've had experience with this insurance with, but it's a federal insurance that transfers state to state when you are on Disability. But if you are on Welfare, and have no income, you get the same insurance. So Whatever State you are in,if you are in the USA. You can apply for General Assistance, and Medicaid. I hope that helps at all, knowing there is assistance out there if you need it! </font>

i do live in the U.S. but i have a house - so i would not qualify for medicaid, which is the way it should be.

technically i could sell my house for cash. so i have assets.

of course that's the last flip'n thing i'm gonna do! my house is ALL i have!!

i'm not on disability - i've heard there's a 70% rejection rate for folks trying to get on disability.

it's not a big deal...as long as i stop trying to "deal" with things and ignore the problems...i can pull myself together and go get a job...i've just got to suck it up....

<font color="#000088">That's true, they will reject you for having assets. But that's pretty cool that you at least have a house of your own at your age. Your what? 33? I wouldn't give it up either, unless I was planning on relocating, and needed the money to move and buy a place where I was moving to! But if you're okay with where you live, there's no point in leaving!
That's good that you're standing your ground with keeping your house! And that you're willing to get out there and find work somewhere else. There are a lot of people that are able to work, but just don't want to. So when they lose one job, they just give up, and then expect the government to pay their way. I wish I could work, and that I didn't need to be on Disability. I've tried to work, but I lost every job I got due to medical problems. I really enjoyed some of those jobs to! So it was hard having to leave them! The socializing with my coworkers, the having something to do with my time, the extra pay checks! The pain wasn't helping any, but the rest was worth the pain to me! But it wasn't to my Doctor! </font>