intentionally hurting myself

i HATE that i'm sharing this but i feel like i have to get it out...

i was hospitalized last week for hurting myself - scratching & burning my arms and stomach. i haven't done any of that since july 12 when i was admitted. i thought i was doing good.

but i realized, in a way, i just self injured again. i've never had sex before (even though i'm 32) but i've touched myself since i was little.

i'm sorry if this is too graphic...

i don't like anything inside me. but today i put something hard inside me while i was...intending to make it hurt

i'm trying hard not to hurt myself...but i ended up doing it this way!

i'm sorry if i'm offending anyone for being so disgustingly sick - but i'm afraid if i don't let it out and admit i was trying to hurt myself that i will start scratching, burning and cutting on my arms again. or maybe i'm trying to hurt myself by telling what i did - because i'm so disgusting

i'm sorry i'm such a sick disgusting person...i don't know why i can't get myself together and stop being stupid

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I do not see YOU as sick or ugly inside..... I see you as someone that was once wounded and now you are trying your hardest to cope with what sanity you may left with in a wounded soul.

Please know that I am here for YOU, as are other, and that we will not judge nor condemn you for any thing - YOU ARE SAFE HERE!!

(((((((((((gostryter)))))))))))))))))))))) I sorta understand where your coming from .... and i think that your wonderful...like Rhapsody said...your not sick or ugly.....and i whole heartedly agree with Rhap.....we are your friends and i see a great person writing here.....i think your strong and brave ...

love,
inny

Poor gostryter!!!

That all sounds so painful!

I don't think you are sick or disgusting. I think you are hurt and don't know how to help yourself heal. And you're turning all your anger on yourself -- I feel so sad for you. Do you have anyone who can help you? Do you have a therapist? They hear all kinds of stuff and can help you with this. Please try to take care of yourself. Talking is so helpful.

Sidony

(((((rhapsody, inny & sidony))))

thank you for your understanding and words of encouragement

i've NEVER shared anything like that with anyone before - thank you for being so accepting and loving

sidony - i'm starting with a T next week....but i think i'll save this little experience for a rainy day....in the year 2032!!

Helping yourself and realizing what you need to do to be safe is never sick or disgusting. You are taking the right steps to try to stop doing self abusive behaviour - how could anyone ever judge that??

Keep posting - you're worth it

Tranquility

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gostryter said:

sidony - i'm starting with a T next week....but i think i'll save this little experience for a rainy day....in the year 2032!!

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Yay on finding a therapist! I'll agree it might not be the best opener , but once you get to trust him/her a little bit I hope you'll talk about it. Remember that therapists hear all kinds of stuff. They won't flip out -- they'll just try to figure out how to help you deal with it.

Best of luck! I hope you like the new T.

Sidony

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I completely agree with Raphsody. We will not judge you. Everyone does things they think are weird or strange, but there really not, and its not that uncommon. I am sorry for all that you've been through. I am here for you!

((((((((((((((((tranquility, sidony, ally88, inny, rhapsody))))))))))))))))))))

thank you!!

thank you all for not making me feel like a freak!!

my entire world has been turned upside down during the past couple weeks - your kindness means everything to me!!!

why can't i stop doing this? i hate me! stupid

You haven't had the chance to be helped yet! That's all it is. Just do the best you can and try not to hurt yourself while you wait to start therapy. I'm really hoping this therapist will be someone you can trust and that you'll eventually be able to talk about this stuff with him/her. We'll all try to talk to you on here, but obviously a trained therapist can help you a lot more than we can. But don't hate yourself! Self-destructive behavior is very addictive and you'll need outside help getting past it....

Take care,
Sidony

sidony! thank you for your support!

...i hurt myself this afternoon in that way....

i don't mean to be a complete idiot - but i really have never had sex....damn it hurts in there....

what's SICK is as much as it hurt & the intense painful pressure - i laid there and almost feel a sense of comfort

sidony - thank you for saying that i just havn't had a chance to be helped and that i need outside help...but i can't help but feel so sick and dirty for doing this

its one thing to touch for pleasure - but to just essentially attack myself there... WHY why would i do that!? how can i do that to myself! it's one thing to cut or burn my arms, etc. but hurt myself there? i can't even write here some of the thoughts i've had - ways of hurting....

i wish i could just disappear - not die - just disappear...i don't want to be seen...i don't want anyone to know i exist...i want to hide...

if anyone reads this and has heard of this type of behavor please let me know - i feel like a freak - and i can't find any mention of it with regards to self injurying - i'm NOT doing this for any kind of pleasure!!! i'm doing it to hurt myself....i

Gostryter!

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Can you distract yourself this weekend? Spend time around people or go out somewhere where you can't be alone? Like a mall or something? I hope you'll talk to the new therapist about self-injury, even if you can't bring up the sexual type yet. I'm sorry you have to wait to see someone, but there will be help for you.

Try to be kind to yourself!!!
Sidony

sidony - i'm hurting. thank you for being so understanding and compassionate. i'm scared...i've never done these abusive sexual things before. i don't know why i'm doing them now. it like the ultimate self abuse for me...but i don't know why now? i feel like im fallng completely apart....a couple months ago i had it all together - and now i'm

sidony, you're an angel for putting up with me!

if i couldn't post these horrible things here i think i would die...i'm sorry if i offend anyone reading these posts

stayed up all night hurting myself....stuff in places....

.....i can't believe the things i've done!!

i'm a filthy dirty putrid nasty awful mess inside....i don't think i'll ever be the same....just when i think i can't stoop any lower.... i do.....

Gostryter....

I'm so sorry. I only have a moment right now (on my way out), but I am thinking about you! Please try to be around other people more so you can't hurt yourself. Try to hold out until you can get some help.

It's hard to figure out why any of us do what we do. I don't know what would cause you to want to harm yourself, but I do know there is help for that kind of thing. You just need to wait long enough to be helped.

I'm so sorry. Must run, but I'm trying to send you good thoughts to help you get through. You are not a bad person!!!

Sidony

sidony - you're a trooper for sticking with me on this! you don't know how much your posts mean to me....i don't feel quite so alone!! i'm sorry though that you are being subjected to my twisted actions...if it's too much, please don't hurt yourself by reading what i write here!!

i know i should go be around people and try not to hurt myself...but i've given up on that....already gone too far....i have a psychiatrist appt tomorrow - i've never met the doc...but if he asks if i've SI'd there's no way i can honestly say no.....

i also have to go back to work tomorrow after being in the hospital....it's been about two weeks since i've been at work....i'm dreading it!!!!!

no....i'lll sit here in my nakedness and hurt myself .....i can promise nothing life threatening....but i'm pretty much a lost cause today....

i'm sorry to let you down....

So how are you doing, gostryter? I hope you're managing okay and not harming yourself more. You'll see the new therapist very soon (!) and hopefully he/she can help you. In the meantime, just do the best you can and try not to hurt yourself!

I'm coping with depression / trying to find a job myself so haven't been on the board as much in the last couple of days, but I've been thinking about you and hoping that you're getting by. Just try to take control and care for yourself until you can get the help you need.

Sidony

Our friend went to a doctor and got taken care of!!!!!! xoxox pat

thread moved - i hope i didn't do anything wrong...i'm sorry if i did

i don't feel well...

i know my body is fighting the urinary tract infection - maybe that's why...i've slept most of the day...i'm kinda sick to my stomach...

but i'm also really nervous about tomorrow's appt w/ the new T...and what will happen if i don't feel comfortable w/ him...if i come home tomorrow and don't feel i've accomplished anything...on the other hand i don't want to like...that way i don't have to share anything and i can keep my putrid secrets safe...

found a new way to hurt myself inside...it works well...i wish i could shove it right through - completely through...

i just want to go home...to where i was a little girl...on a warm morning...swinging on my swingset...all by myself....humming a song...listening to the birds....feeling the warmth...that's my heaven...that's where i want to be....

i want to be me again...

...not this putrid foul adult i've become...

i look at a picture of my parents...i'm so ashamed i've been such a failure as a daughter...a failure as a big sister...they didn't deserve to be stuck with me...but i do try to hide myself from them and do try to give them the daughter and sister they deserve...basically though i fail at that too

why can't i just go to my heaven...

hey you... give your body some time to be at rest...try...

no rest for the weary...put something a tiny bit bigger in...couldn't really get it up in me...bled some this time...

not a big deal...i'll eventually get bored with doing this and move on to something else...

(((((gostryter)))))

You are NOT putried, foul, or a failure.

You are strong and loving. I see an amazing strength in you.

i'm sad....and scared....

i didn't get much sleep again last night...spent some time SI-ing...cut myself on my breasts and stomach alot and spent some time in the shower hurting my stupid private

i don't feel real right now...i feel suspended in time....everthing is going on around me...but i'm alone

i'm so scared about my T appt! i'm afraid to meet him. i'm afraid he won't care about me becuase i'm so fat. i'm afraid he won't want to help me. i'm afraid he'll be wanting me to leave as soon as i arrive. i'm afraid he won't accept me. i'm afraid he won't see who i am. i'm afraid i won't be able to open up. i'm afraid i won't be comfortable with him. i want it to be over! over....over....over....over

i wish everything were over....

(((((gostryter)))))
You are NOT alone. So many people here care about you. You know I do.
I really do understand yr fear about yr new T, but he will not brush you off cos u think you're fat, he will want to help you, he won't want you to leave as soon as you arrive, he will accept you, and Im sure he'll try his damned hardest to see who you are.
Try and keep safe ok ((((big huggs))))