<font color="#000088">The urges are getting really strong again. I'm trying to fight them the best I can. But I've been fighting them for so long, I'm just so sick of fighting this. I just feel like giving up on fighting it, and just do it already, so the urges won't be so strong anymore. I've been holding in these urges for 7 years,and they have just been gaining strength the whole time. I think if I just give in to them then they won't be so strong anymore. It'll be like popping a zit that has been getting bigger over 7 years. Once it's popped, it won't be so big anymore,and bother me so much. I could be getting those 7 years of urges out,so they'll stop getting even stronger. Even just once. But I know better, I wouldn't be able to stop at just one time, it would turn back to the way it was before. A vicious cycle. But I can't help the way I'm feeling. I also feel like there's not too many people that could care less either! </font>

[gostryter]

((((((((((((((((((justice))))))))))))))))

i care!! i'm sorry you are feeling the urges so strong - but i hope you can hold off. you are such a strong person!

take care!

Justice, i hope you don't cut........you're in my thoughts. xoxox pat

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You have done so well. I understand how strong the urges can become but maybe you can use some of the coping skills that you have learned over the last 7 years? I am sorry that the urges are so strong right now. I hope you are able to resist. Please try and be safe.

BB

<font color="#000088">I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to just ignore my problems so I can help others with thiers. But with these urges getting so much stronger and with no friends here(where I live) to talk to,I'm pretty much fighting this alone.I've told my Therapist,and my PDoc,and they just say the same thing, if it gets to bad then you can always call the crisis line, or they can admit me to the hospital I guess to protect me from me. But the crisis line in the past hasn't taken me seriously, they have actually hung up on me. I told them once that my brother had been in a high speed chase in my car, and the police were watching my motel room, waiting to catch him returning my car, and they thought that I was on drugs. I told them I felt like jumping out the window, because my brother was out there in the cold, hiding, and in danger,and the cops were watching me! So I wanted to give them something to see,and they just hung up on me. I really was upset, and just a few days later when I arranged a safe way to get my car back, without my brother being caught. I ended up in the ER from an overdose,over the whole situation,and the stress knowing that even the crisis line could care less what I did to myself! I won't call them anymore, for anything!</font>

<font color="#000088">I kindof feel like I've been given up on by a certain person here that I care about as well. So I'm really not feeling too well. I just don't know what I've done to lose that persons support. I've tried my hardest to do my best here, and be as supportive to others as I can be. I may have made a couple mistakes, but who doesn't make mistakes! I've done my best,and tried so hard. But I guess I wasn't good enough to continue getting support from the one person that really mattered the most to me! I just can't do anything right, can I?</font>

[gostryter]

Justice - don't think of yourself alone in this! I want to be there for you! You are kind and wonderful person! I hope the urges do not become too strong! Hold on! and post here!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Justice ))))))))))))))))

[angie116]

HI Justice........I'm new to this board.......but your post jumped out at me. When I was 15.....I use to cut myself all the time. I'm 22 now...and sometimes the urge is so strong. Because for me......when crying wouldn't help and when no one would listen to me.....I always had cutting to fall back on. But It took me a long time to get out of it. And I certainly wish you well and hope that you stay safe. Like you said it's a very vicious cycle......and if you need someone to talk too just let me know. I know it's a horrible feeling to feel like no one cares. I was 15 and the advise my dad gave me was if i didn't stop acting crazy then I was going to get locked in a mental hospital. So yea.....hope you're feeling better.

<font color="#000088">Yeah, my cutting got me thrown in the mental hospital 3 times. The 4th time I was there, it was because of a crooked PsychDoc wanting to keep me quiet about his extra-curricular activities outside of work!(selling benzo's at rave's)But that 4th time I was out within 30 days, because I proved that I wasn't a threat to myself or anyone else. But the Mental Hospital doesn't scare me, it's a breeze compared to the life I'm living now. But it doesn't matter what I was to do anyway, the mental hospital here, has a 3-4 month waiting list already. That's how many people are going nuts where I live,and are in need of being locked up there! Sad, but true! So no matter what, they'd fix me up, and send me back home, just to do it again! That's what they use to do, until they finally realized I wasn't going to stop. Then they locked me up in there Mental Hospital. I started cutting at maybe 10-11yrs.old ( it's been so long)and now I'm 34, but I have made it 7 years now without cutting, because I didn't want to scare, and hurt my Dad anymore. But he died! So I've been trying really hard to find other excuses not to, but there not as strong as the urges, and the urges are just getting stronger! And it's kindof difficult to not want to harm myself, when I feel like I must have done something to deserve it! I just can't figure out what! </font>

[Rapunzel]

I'm glad that you know better than to stop fighting it, even if you are feeling bad right now. You know, popping pimples might feel better for the moment, but it spreads the infection around and pushes some of it back inside where it gets worse and pops back up again someplace else. Same with giving in on cutting too.

Here's something that I'm learning that might apply to you too. Everything we do, we do for some reason or purpose. It might not be the best way to get our needs met, but we keep doing it because, let's face it, it meets a need for us. You can't really just plain stop doing something without replacing it, because that same need is still there and you have to deal with it somehow. Hopefully, you will replace it with something positive. What is your best replacement for cutting or for any other behaviors that you are better off without?

What goals do you have in life? What are you doing to move towards those goals? Do you believe that your father is still watching you and guiding you? What are you doing to make him proud? Those are the things that will give you something to work with, and if you feel like sharing your hopes and dreams here, it will help us know how to help you better too.

I'm not sure who the person here is that you think is giving up on you. There are lots of people who can support you here though, and if you depend too much on one particular person, that can be frustrating for you, for them, and for everyone else too who would like to help. Please know that I have high hopes for you. I am impressed with anyone who has been conquering SI for 7 years (at present I can claim 0 days ). I am sorry to you and anyone else that I haven't been able to give more support. Things are a little hectic for me IRL, and although I try to check in here, I never have as much time as I would like, and I'm always playing catch up.

Rap

<font color="#000088">Thanks Rapunzel! You have been a great support to me, and I really appreciate that. I want you to know that, and I hope you realize that you are a good person, and I'm not trying to just depend on this one persons support alone. Because I know that there are many others here that have been very supportive of me, and shown that they do care, and I appreciate them as well. I just feel that this particular individual that I do care for deeply, and I am there for whenever this person is in need of support because I really do care, but I can't help but feel that I must have done something to push this person away, or something, to where they stopped giving me any type of support back, when they used to. And I can't figure out what I did. I want to know, because I care about this individual, and if I did say something wrong, without even realizing it, I want the chance to let that person know it was not intentional, and that I do care about them, and wish the best for them, and that I didn't mean to do anything, if I did! You know what I mean? So it's not that I'm relying on their support alone to get by, but wanting the chance to be able to apoligize if I hurt them in any way, but how would I know, if nothing is being said. I'm stuck not knowing what happened, and thinking that I must just be a bad person or something, because I can't figure out what I could have said or done. And I've really thought hard about it. It's hard to lose someone you care about, especially if you have no idea why! But I won't forget the many that are still here for me and supporting me through these hard times, I treasure each and every one of the people here that have been there for me, and care about them very much, including you. But don't be hard on yourself for not being able to say that you've made it an entire day, just the fact that you are making an effort is all that counts. It's really not easy to go 7 years without,it's probably one of the hardest things I've been battleing with over the years. It's very,very difficult to stop cutting! Even harder to keep from doing it again! Pat yourself on the back, just for making it through another day alive!
Your Friend!
Justice</font>