[jacq10]

It seems the last little while everyone has been talking to me about my SI. How they think i'm such a "strong" person for not doing it anymore. How i've "come such a long way" .... and yes maybe i haven't SI'd since december 16th, but that doesn't mean i'm over it. That doesn't mean i still don't think about it everyday. Doesn't mean that I will have the strength to not do it again.

All this talking about it has triggered me and now I'm just really scared something is going to happen and i'm going to give in. Give in to the blood. Give in to the comfort of darkness and uncertainty. Give in to my irrational thoughts that will undoubtedly hold me down ... threatening to take over me once again.

I keep pushing, fighting with myself to not succumb to everything. But i feel it. The depression. Anxiety. lonliness. If only i could truly reach out to those that i love ... just maybe i might have a glimmer of hope. If only...

Please help.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((jacq))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I wish you could appreciate the achievement of not using SI for such a long time. That will never go away. It is scary to think that maybe things will get too hard and SI will become a viable option again. It is hard to resist a coping mechanism that has worked so well before. You have developed new skills in the past nine months that have served you well. Maybe you can concentrate on those?

The fear of feeling disappointment in ourselves and from others can be very scary. Usually it is connected with very strong feelings. I am sorry that you are expereiencing them as sometimes they make it harder to cope. No matter what happens you have done wonderful to get to where you are now. No one can take that away from you. I hope you can see that too.

Reaching out to people can be very hard and very vulnerable. I hope you continue to try as it gets easier as it goes. Please don't give up. You have reached out here and that is a start.

I understand how you are feeling. Know you are not alone. Take care.

BB

[Christina86]

My lovely caring friend ((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))

You have done a good job. I thank you so much for being nice to me when I'm having a rough time. It's a hard battle isn't it? (Rhetorical question)

You have the strength to fight - I know you do. I know you're trying really hard, and sadly sometimes that's all we can do. Just try.

I'm sorry that it triggered you You have come so very far. I won't say it's easy (because I've screwed up and slipped, but hey I'm still here thanks to people like you) and I won't say you'll eventually be free of the urge, since I don't truthfully know. I've never gone long enough to find out.

I'm sorry you feel depressed and anxious and lonely. Me too my friend, me too.

I wish I had some good advice to give, but all I can do is offer my compassion and attention and some understanding if you ever want to talk. You know where to find me - I'll probably contact you soon anyways. I miss you and want to catch up - even if we're both not having a good time right now.

You are a lovely, kind and beautiful friend with a compassionate soul. I also happen to really like having you as a friend and having you around and I also happen to love you. Be good to yourself.

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((((((((Bipolar_bear))))))))))))))))))
thank you so much for your compassion and encouragement. I think you hit it right on when you mentioned disappointment. I think that a lot of my anxiety comes down to that. The fear of disappointing those that i love, and the fear of disappointing myself ... mostly because i know if i do that, there is actually something fundamentally wrong with me. Thank you for your kind words, and for reminding me that my life without SI has been an acheivement.

(((((((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))
I don't even know what to say. You are just such a kind and caring person, and i really don't deserve any of the nice things you said. But i do appreciate it, so thank you. We'll both get through all of this, just hang in there with me.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))))

[lenjan]

(((((((((((jacq))))))))) I think BB is right, the urge never goes away. And I know the feeling of being under pressure to live up to other people's expectations. I hope you can appreciate your accomplishment just for yourself, though. You *have* done really well. Be proud of yourself for lasting this long, and don't beat yourself up if it happens again. All of life is a learning process, including SI.

(((((((((jacq)))))))))

Love, Candy

[grateful]

god, I understand so much.

my boyfriend and best friend are constantly going on about how strong I am, how I can get past this, that I don't need to focus on it. they just don't understand. no one but us SHers do.

it's so hard to fight it but you know that you should. you wouldn't have posted this if you truly didn't want to fight this. and you just have to keep thinking about that. December 16th? that is AMAZING and you should congratulate yourself every day for getting past one more day. it's hard, yeah, but every time you doubt yourself, you're letting those mean little feelings creep further in.

one of my favourite quotes ever is "being brave isn't being fearless; it's tolerating a scary situation."

you can resist. more and more every day. stay strong, hon. =]

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))) Thank you for the hugs

(((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))) I'll try my best to keep what you said in mind. It is a learning process .. and hopefully, just hopefully, i'll keep being able to put more days behind me.

((((((((((((((((grateful)))))))))))))) Welcome to PC! And thank you for taking the time to read and respond to what i said. I'm sorry that you are also struggling with your friends ... thats whats so great about PC. Lots of people on here who truly care and understand what you are going through. Thanks for being one of them to me. Feel free to PM anytime.

[ickydog2006]

Grateful is right, no one understands this like SIers do. I too know how you feel about the fear of one day giving in. I haven't cut for nearly two years now and I still have that fear. I also still get almost unbearable cravings and I often wonder if my love for SI will ever stop. But it does get better. I don't think about it every day anymore and it isn't always the first thing that comes to mind when I'm stressed. So even if it doesn't go away, most days it is easier (even though there are still a tough few every now and then). Please remember that there is always someone here to talk to and you are never alone in going through this. As hard as it is realizing that almost no one around you understands, we do, and we SIers (past and present) will always be here to help out.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

[jacq10]

Actually can't do this anymore. The urge is too strong ... its taking all of my strength not to do this. It's sooooo not even worth it. I'm so not even worth it. Can someone tell me what or who is worth all this pain? Who am I holding out for? What good is it even doing for me?

I need a cigarette.

[Christina86]

Okay you.... you can do this.

It is worth it because you're going to feel bad afterwards if you do it. Get in contact with me. Send me an email, ANYTHING...

((((((((((((Jacq))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

I shouldn't even be posting this right now. My anxiety is through the roof and i feel like i have a fever. I need to go sit outside or something ... damnit i need a %#@&#! cigarette. I dont know how much longer i can last. I'm such a failure.