The URGE for more Scars?

I hate posting. I hate talking about myself. But I'm going to ask anyways because I need to see others opinions.

I have a weird draw towards my self injury scars. I don't feel like I have enough and I just want to cover my arms in them. This sounds crazy, I understand. I do not want people to see them, I only want me to see them. I know this is wrong. When I began self injuring it slowly escalated. I wanted to be able to see and feel them and it came to a point where I was harming my arms and shoulders so I could. I wanted more scars. When I stopped self injuring, all I could think about was when I could start again. I was sad that my scars would fade. I wanted more. My life's been spinning out of control lately and I've been injuring again. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want them to scar. That they need to be bigger.

I do not like the idea of people seeing them. I am a professional woman in a business world and they do not help me. I do not like to talk about my self injury nor have others know about it so I don't think this draw is from wanting others to see. Does anyone else experience this? Sometimes the urge to hurt myself is so overwhelming without a cause. I stopped acting in those unwarranted urges a while ago, only do it when the urge turns to need. But do any of you experience this as more of an addiction the longer it goes?

My therapist is aware of my SI but I'm too busy concentrating on my mood swings and my disapproval of medication to worry about my bodily injury IMO. 😅

Hello MsAmbrosia: I don't know as there is a lot I can contribute here. I don't self harm anymore. But I did. In fact I have permanent physical problems related to self harm I did to myself not all that many years ago I'm embarrassed to say. Like you, I never wanted anyone else to know what I was doing.

I've never told anyone about my self harm except for having mentioned it briefly to a couple of the mental health professionals I've seen. (We never discussed it in any detail.) But while I was doing it, I loved it & just wanted to keep doing it more-&-more. Truth be told, under the right circumstances, I'm not absolutely certain I wouldn't do it again. I don't think I would, but one never knows for sure. There is a certain addictive quality to self harm I believe. I don't know why it is addictive. But I just know it is. I wish you well...

Im sorry you feel this way To answer your question yes i have felt this way… and im not proud to admit it I have managed to stop for over a month now, but the scars on my arm seem to haunt me now. Reminding me of what i had done. In your case i dont think its "wierd" to want deeper and bigger scars... Not with how much hurt your dealing with. You probably already know this but you shouldnt ~ you should treat yourself well, because you dont deserve any of this. I hope things will get better

I went through a tattoo phase. Honestly, the urge to self injure feels the same as the urge for a new tattoo. I enjoy the sensation of tattoos, not the impact on my wallet. Heh...

Thank you two for your responses. I don't know what is wrong with me this week. I feel like I'm drowning. Maybe that is attributing to these suddenly intensified urges. It's been about 10 years now and I stopped for around a year to a year and a half before beginning back.

Wanting to cut after seeing fading scars is common! It """helped""" you at a part of your life, of course you're gonna miss it. You're not weird for it, just recovering from an addiction.

You said that you are feeling out of control. Self harm can be a way to have some control, and to evade from stresses, at least for a bit. I understand your urge, recently I'm having it, even if there is nothing going on in my life, sometimes I want to harm myself deeper. I don't want to cut myself, and to hurt me, I know I don't deserve this, so instead I try to wait and use coping skills, usually I walk (you can do any pshysical activities), or I write things, or dance and listen to music to release energy. After a while the urge wil go away.