If your cuts could talk....

I really have been wanting to cut again. Its like cutting communicates. I don't let others know. I 90% of the time hide it from my T. But it still feels powerful. So I thought I'd start a thread on why its important. If my cuts could talk, what would they say???????

1> I'm hurting
2> You hurt me
3> I want someone to see my pain
4> I can't let you see my pain, so I hide it
5> I'm not allowed to be vulnerable.
6>I hate myself
7> I'm frustrated with being me
8> My self-punishments keep continuing.
9> I want to die.
10> I need a release.

Quite a list of intense feelings. I hope you begin to see that the negative thoughts are not you. Maybe you can replace the thoughts of "shoulds" with others? I am glad you were able to put them in words. That is an accomplishment.

BB

I have long thought that one purpose of SI was communication. Experts told me no, because most people go to such great lengths to hide it. But for me, communicating was always a major part of it. I was saying that I was hurt, and that I didn't think anyone believed that I hurt, so I needed to prove it; or that maybe I didn't think that they thought that I hurt enough, or that I thought they thought that I didn't have the right to be hurt. Above it all, I was saying that I needed help and didn't know how to get it.

You are communicating too, even if communincating to yourself. If you can put it into words now, I wonder if you can take it one step further, and say the words instead of cutting?

TC,
Rap

I agree with all of your languaging. I don't let anyone see the cuts either. I may still hide them from my MD tomorrow and my T on tuesday. But i think you're right about needing to show pain, yet hiding pain. i've been taught to hide my pain all my life - but i have to say it for it to be real. yet words are not real - only visible pain has ever been real in my familly. so it is visible - if only to me. then at least it is real. and yet it puts another barrier between me and other humans - i can't have them see it. i want to be with people and yet i'm also terrified of being with people. all these counter-efforts. communicate silently, visibly hidden, together yet seperate.
Though - this past time, the cutting was to try to end the anxiety attack so that i could get sleep with having a THE shopping day after thanksgiving. not that it was successful in ending the anxiety. my t, if i tell her, will be most concerned. she's working with me on anxiety.

(((((((((EV)))))))))
I'm glad you made that list ... maybe it will help point you in a better direction of what you can work on?
I like what you said about cutting being a form of communication - even if no one else really knows. For me it's kind of like that ... the only people that know about it are far away and i rarely see them ( ) ... but there's some sort of... reinforcement if you will when i see my cuts. It's almost validating in a way because I feel all of these things, and I don't really have anyone that i feel comfortable talking about it with, so SI expresses them for me.
But then again, we all know (too well) the repercussions of SI can be horrible .. so what can ya do...
Maybe bring in a similar list and talk to your T about how SI makes you feel in that respect? If you trust your T .. i would say go for it. He/She can help you in ways that no one else probably can, embrace that.

I relate to each of those....
(((((((( esthersvirtue )))))))

fuzzy