How to help someone that cuts

There is someone online that I talk to everyday in a chat area and this person relies on cutting.... I know about suicide and could help someone through that but cutting I don't understand and need help on how to help this person to stop doing the cutting... Any suggestions would help... Thanks

Does this person want to stop cutting? If not, then there just really isn't much for you to do. Cutting is not itself the problem - it is a way of dealing with problems, even if it isn't the best way. You could encourage this person to seek therapy for their struggles, and to learn better coping methods and develop better self-esteem. Most of all, s/he probably needs to feel accepted and supported. You don't have to let them talk about cutting to you if you are uncomfortable, but just being a friend would go a long way. Don't count on being able to get them to stop cutting though - it isn't a matter of just getting them through one crisis, but rather changing an established habit, healing deep emotional scars, and developing healthy ways of dealing with life's problems. Stopping the cutting isn't even first priority.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

Yeah, what Rapunzel said. I would add that if you push for this person to stop cutting it will just aggravate the problem because there will be a sense of lack of acceptance of her(?) as a person. Also there is a possible addictive link to it that makes it even more difficult to quit because the craving for the act itself.

My suggestion is to set some clear boundries but first you need to decide just how much of this problem can you listen too. There are people who can't stand to hear about SI. It disgusts them on some deep level. Other people who don't cut are able to listen and understand and lend valuable support. You need to decide where on that continuum you are. If talking about it bothers you be straightforward about that in as kind a way as possible. Tell this person that you can listen to what is hurting underneath but the fact of SI bothers you. Or if you are good with the SI, tell the person she/he can talk about it but has to accept when she does you will be compelled to help her find other altenatives to coping and that you hope it doesn't bother her but for her well being it is important that she searches for new outlets. In the end however, it comes down to whether she wants to stop. If she doesn't there is nothing you can do to help her and pushing will just drive her away.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Thank you for your help...I don't mind him talking about the cutting it's just when we are in the middle of a conversation and he tells me he will be right back because he has to go and cut to take the pain away...that is very hard for me. I want to take the pain away for him so badly... He told me he started to cut only a year ago so I am hoping that it hasn't been that long that maybe I can help him to stop that part at least.
Again, thank you

Hi Somebody: You are truly a compassionate person for wanting to understand and help. Others here have already given good advice. As for the person telling you they are going to leave you right then, go cut, and then come back...at some point it is important to set a boundary for yourself, otherwise, the situation can be turned into a manipulative one by the other person, and they won't, deep down, feel good about that.

:-) Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I second what Peanut says. There has to be a boundry set because that isn't appropriate behavior. There is no point in talking to you about it or stuff in general if the attempt to stop the behavior isn't being made. Besides it is plain out rude.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Somebody, I believe our situations are alot alike. My best guy friend cuts himself. It is very hard for me to unders WHY he does it. But i believe he wants to stop because he calls me when he wants to cut and i come over and we sit with each other. But then there are some times that he does cut himself and he comes to me and says 'don't be mad at me' Thats the hardest part seeing him upset and it scares me because i almost lost him a couple of months ago because of his SI. Anyways Im sorry i have been going on, but its important just for you to be there for your friend. They will try to push you away just like my friend did but once they are ready they will want you to be there. You must also watch out for yourself. I sometimes find that i have to spend some time away from my friend because his actions have brought me down. but He called when he needed me. Just be there and don't give up on him
andrea

Thank you Peanut, Carri. and Collegefriend... your input if very helpful.
Andrea, Thank you for talking about your friend and yourself. The difference is that you are there in person to support him... I am only letters on a computer and sometimes it just don't mean as much. No matter how much I beg him he still goes off and when he comes back tells me he cut himself...I will stay with it in hopes to try to get him to stop. All I can do is pray that one day he will before he does something wrong to do worse then he is to himself.

I've been a dedicated cutter for the last 13 years and all I can tell you is to just listen to your friend, be there for them, and don't take it personally.

When people want to understand my cutting I ask them if they understand alcoholism. For me there isn't much difference. What I mean is it's an addiction for me, the only difference is the form it comes in.

Let your friend know you are always there for them if they need to talk. You can't do anything for them if they don't want to stop. Your support may influence their behavior. There's a chance. Also, try telling them how you feel about their cutting. Remember to support them at the same time.

I hope this helps some.

Lexicon 78... Thank you so much for your input... I think that if I was there with him I might have a little more pull into getting him to stop doing that but he lives in Canada and I am in Michigan... I try to find him daily on MSN to talk to and see how he is doing... We can spend the whole day online talking at times... I think I am more of a mother figure to him ... but with positive thoughts and I let him know I do care.. I just hope it don't get worse then what it is for him... you too... please take care... and Thank you so much for helping me out on this .... always helps to have the thoughts of someone that does it themselves.... again Thank You ...somebody

The best advice I can give you is to be open to talk about it, and very nonjudgmental. Know that if anyone is aware of this person's self-injury, the have likely been judged a lot as I'm sure anyone on this forum would agree. I know that what I needed was someone who would ask me how I was feeling, and then care about the answer. I just needed someone to tell me they cared.