[darkpurplesecrets]

I am finding myself fighting once again to not hurt. I need to hurt and to relieve pain--built up pain. Pain that never seems to end no matter how hard you try to make it go away. I am living daily with this pain--a pain that eats at you. I just need to see the release and feel the sting--I need to know that somehow to cut would make it my fault and then I could live with it. I was told I caused it so let me cause it--let me SCREAM-----do I dare?? Would anyone hear me anyways??

Sitting here shaking, I know that I could cut in a heart beat but I am fighting with all I have to not do it. But why?? Is anyone out there?? Is anyone listening?? I am trying to reach out instead of doing what is screaming out inside me to do. But it is getting hard, that voice is loud--very loud. Will it ever stop??

cami

[Fuzzybear]

I'm listening sweetie. You're so strong for posting here instead of doing what that voice wants you to do.
(((((((((((( cami ))))))))))))


love you,
Fuzzy

[Christina86]

I'm here. I'm listening.

It is not your fault, and the pain you feel isn't your fault.

Scream out loud if it helps. Punch a pillow. Rip something to shreds. But try... keep trying... to not cut. It's not worth it.

You're worth it. You can do this.

Ignore the voice. It's lying to you. It's trying to make things difficult. But you're stronger than the voice.

((((((((Cami)))))))))))

[Cthomas]

"I think i will show them but when you really think about it, does it make sense that YOU were hurt and should therefore hurt yourself MORE??"

this was from the reasons not to cut. i like this reason. You do not deserve to hurt. dont cause youreself any more pain than youve already endured.

You are better than that. I know this.

Do not give them your pain...does that make sense? do not hurt yourself because of what somebody did to YOU.

PM me if you need to - Im here and I care.....

dont do it......please? arent you worth feeling better? i think so!

Colleen

[GoodMama]

((((((CAMI))))))) I'm listening and I hear you, too. YOUR voice is louder than the one telling you to cut! YOU are stronger than that other, lying, miserable, son of a b*t*ch's voice, Cami. You are HERE ... where people care about YOU and want what's best for YOU. None of us will acknowledge that other voice, Cami ... it doesn't belong here but YOU do. YOUR voice is the strongest!

Fight it, Cami, please fight it ... or tell me where it is and I will help you fight it. We all will. TOGETHER, Cami, we can do anything! Stay strong, sweet girl ... we hear you.

If you need me ... I'm getting to be a pretty GoodMama!

[Kiya]

Cami - that voice works for *them*. For the people that hurt you. I know that voice well and i tell it it is being very bad and that I don't do what *they* tell me to anymore. I drew a picture once of my abuser, the size of an ant - right under my shoe - me standing over him ready to squash him. Me FULL SIZED and powerful now. Put that voice under your shoe and squash it.

I believe in you.

kiya

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you all for your support. It has been a very long night and I did try to do it but the thing I tried to use was not sharp enough. I punished myself other ways and I knew this is what I was doing. I cried and felt guilty. God punished me for hurting. Terrified by a dream that made me have the need to hurt again. Fighting, I reach trying to find another way--feeling an overgrowing fear there is no other way. When will it stop?? When will it quit reaching in and pulling me away??

I hear you all telling me that I do not deserve it but this voice gets louder as I read each post from each of you. And I scream inside for release and for a way to hear what you say. As I fight these feelings and hold on to each word from each of you, tears fill my eyes. Tears because someone cares, because I can say what I feel without ridicule, and with understanding from others--it has never been that way.

cami

[Cthomas]

Glad to hear you made it through another day cami. We ARE here....we are here for YOU. so please use this forum to gain strength and get the hugs you so desparately deserve....we all deserve them...

Thinking of you today........please try to smile.
Colleen

[NewDawnFades]

Dear Cami,

I am listening and understand what you are going through. I really do. There is not one day that goes by where I don't want to cause myself pain, just so I can relieve the pain. When I take a step back and realize what I am saying, I think to myself, "How in the hell does this make any sense?" The truth is, it doesn't. But, for anyone who goes through such pain that can tears at the soul, it makes perfect sense. Personally, I have battled 22+ years of the very same feelings you have described. One of the most difficult things for me to do is explain what it is that I am dealing with. So, I tend to keep the pain within, thus having the outward appearance of strength and content. No doubt though, the pain and the voices are there, deeply hidden within. I think that by expressing what you are going through, really can help release the pain in a less harmful way. Case in point, by you being strong enough to write down what you are going through, actually helps you and others like myself who would otherwise simply continue to let the pain of bad memories, depression, anxiety, etc., just tear us apart. You may not realize this, but reading your post, did help me and I am sure that the same can be said for others as well. In other words, because of your strength, I was able to let some pain go. Thank you. Now, I would like to offer is my ear and shoulder should you ever need it. I have read the responses of those above me here, and recognize that there are good, smart, and caring people here who continually battle the pain such as we do. If I ever had to go into battle, I want everyone here on my side. :-) Well, I hope that you feel better and know that if you need someone to talk to or just listen, I will be here for you. Keeping the pain inside and going it alone, is all it's cracked up to be. Please take care of yourself and be careful this weekend.

Sincerely,

David (NewDawnFades)

[Kiya]

honey, of course the voice gets louder - it can't risk having you know the truth. That voice is not the truth. Say to it "Get Thee Behind Me" if you can. Each time you deny it (after it has reached all its fury and still you disobey it) it will diminish each time until it is a wee bitty thing that can be shooed off like a gnat.
You are ok, you are doing well, stay with us, keep telling that voice no... NO.
We are here for you.
Kiya