[Cthomas]

Had gone to see t yesterday and we did emdr. I like emdr because it does seem to work for me. but the day after is like a hangover and the feeling of what was discussed are raw as if i was just experiencing them. We dug into the mental part of the abuse. which just angers me to the core, then the feelings of its ok, then the feelings of its not ok, then the feeling of just a quick cut to release the stress.

I have a migrane today, and i feel like the urge today is so severe that 47 days will be thrown out the window.

what is wrong with me???? i feel like a freak. I cant find a freakin job, the bills are still here. (not like theyd leave....) I just hadnt envisioned me being 39 and having these issues. I thought once the parents were gone, i would be free and yet i still feel trapped in the past. Everybody says im a good person. they all say I am a smart person. then why cant i get a job? why cant anybody take me on for work. its been a lot of calls, and no jobs?????? and then to add insult to injury im thinging about THEM.....

Stress levels are high today. way high. feeling like a failure. feeling like i will never get past this. feeling like i need to feel.....IT....again.....

sorry this is so long winded. But i needed to talk to my friends and be where its safe.

Colleen

[GoodMama]

<center <font color="red"> (((((((((((COLLEEN)))))))))) </font> </center>

Congratulations on 47 days! That's a BIG accomplishment and I hope you know what kind of <u>strength</u> you must have to get so far? It couldn't have been easy ... I've learned that much since coming here ... but you did it!

I'm sorry you're having a difficult day today. My daughter's T does that EMDR with her and, if it's any consulation, the day <u>after</u> her appointment is always the hardest. So far, she's managed to keep from SI. I say "so far" because I've learned enough to know it might not always be the case. All you can do, Colleen, is TRY.

If you TRY, if you do <u>everything</u> you can to keep from SI, that's all anyone can ask of you, Honey. So please TRY? And if you do ... if you've done <u>everything</u> you can to keep from SI ... and IT happens anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. YOU are not a freak! Put the blame in the right place ... on the chemical imbalance in your brain.

Hang on, Colleen. You ARE stronger than today ... you ARE stronger than SI! And remember that tomorrow <u>will</u> be better ... tomorrow always has the potential to be better than today. So just take it one minute at a time, one small step at a time, and TRY.

PM me if you'd like to talk about it? I'm sure not an expert, but I am trying to be a

Good Mama

[Cthomas]

Thanks GM....i dont feel so good today. I feel like a failure at most things today. I feel like I need to go hide. And I appreciate the response. I was beginning to feel unloved....LOL...oh well. goes with the territory.

I am signing off for a while. I need to go walk and let out some funky thoughts....today is bad...idk...just bad.

but thanks.

i appreciate it.
Colleen

[helpless_mommy]

I hope your day is getting better and that the walk helped. I second what GM said about just trying. I'm at 66 days and am struggling a lot too. But just think you've beaten 47 days. Try for just one more day. If you can't do one more day; try for one more hour. If one more hour is to long; try for one more minute. Just get through this minute. PM me if you need to talk. I'm here for you.

[Cthomas]

Thanks H_M,

I just feel like a failure, to my body, to my mind, to ME. I cant get a job. and today incidentally i was declined a job due to my credit score. i truly believe that is why people become homeless....i feel useless today. and used.

I feel like I wish my abuser would have finished...forget it. sometimes. then i wouldnt be in this much pain.

Not worth bringing everybody down. but thanks again.

me

[jacq10]

(((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))

I hope you don't mean what you said about your abuser... it breaks my heart to imagine how much pain you are feeling right now to even say that.

Do you know how great of a person you are? You don't deserve any of this... you don't even deserve any resemblance to all of this. What happened to you... its not a reflection of the type of person you are. Something was taken from YOU, and you didn't have any choice in it. And it doesn't make you a failure, or useless, or any other nonsense like that.

Don't give in to the SI... its not going to help you. Prove that you are better than it. Prove to yourself that you are a beautiful strong woman who is capable of anything she puts her heart into. But also realise, that if something should happen... it doesn't discount any of those things. To me, you are all those things and more.

Try and focus on your accomplishments! Look at what you can do when you put your mind into something. For example, your weight? That takes A LOT of willpower my friend, and I'm so proud of you for it. And I'm going to continue to be proud of you no matter what.

You can get through this. Go for your walks, or bike rides, or put in a good movie, drink your coffee (although, watch that in-take) do *something* to get your mind off of all these things.


me

[Cthomas]

Yeah, thanks for that. I know im trying.

I keep trying. and trying and trying. And it seems that no matter how im trying, its not happening. going to take a nap. Its the only way to forget at this point. I dont know why im so crazed today. I just need work. i need to work. I cant stand the thought of sitting at home. but if I had a better background, i WOULD be working. apparently failure to keep up with mounting bills is a strong indication of the type of employee you will be. Forget the resume that I busted my butt to get. regardless of my add or not. Forget the fact that i have had only 5 jobs in my career. since working since 1986.

Just forget it. Im sorry. Im just down and i think im going to sleep for a bit. im just raw today at every little thing.

thanks jacq. youre a good friend. if i havent already told you that.

me.

[onlymedid]

Colleen, everyone is right about taking things one minute, one day at a time. You are such a nice person and so helpful. You are kind, caring, supportive and so NOT a failure. Look how long you have gone...47 days! I see that as success, no matter how big or small it may seem. I think it is HUGE!

I know how the next day can be. I used to do EMDR and the next day was the WORST! Everything was so fresh in the mind and felt like the day it happened.

Please don't think you are bringing everyone down because you aren't. I know, for me, it really makes me feel better when I can help others, which hasn't been much lately, but I really would like to be here for you if you need it!

Take care and I hope you can get some rest!

BJ

[Cthomas]

Thanks for posting about the EMDR. i know it helps but the next day is pure hell. truly hell. i just have to get past today.

im going to nap now. im glad you posted. you and jac and Good mama....all of you are right. now i just need to process this.

going to try to nap. will be back online later.

thanks again.
c

[GoodMama]

<center>i just have to get past today. </center>
<center>i just have to get past today. </center>
<center>i just have to get past today. </center>
<center>i just have to get past today. </center>
<center>I JUST HAVE TO GET PAST TODAY. </center>

Good mantra, Colleen ... just get past today and tomorrow <u>will</u> be better! I hope every time you do the EMDR, you'll remember this ... and I pray it will be easier for you next time, and easier still the time after that.

You are SO strong and SO brave! THEY were wrong ... You ARE good, you ARE worthwhile, you ARE smart, you ARE funny. You ARE loved! THEY .. were .. WRONG! Don't listen to THEM ... listen to the people who care about you and love you. ((((((Colleen))))))) WE are RIGHT.

Just get past today! Tomorrow <u>will</u> be better! You can do it ... you can ... you can ... you CAN!

Good Mama

[GoodMama]

See how strong YOU are? It takes a LOT of strength to help someone when you're feeling down yourself. I hope you'll draw on that strength to make it thru another day, Mommy. You're awesome ... you can do it!

Congratulations on 66 days! Here's to Day 67!

Good Mama

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((colleen))))))))))))))))))))

kiya

[NewDawnFades]

Dear Colleen,

I am sending you hugs in the hope that you continue to stay strong and give yourself some credit. I second what the others have said earlier. It says a lot about your strength, when even though you are feeling down, you find the strength to still help others. If that is not strength, then I don't know you would call it then. Failure Is Not An Option and does not apply to you!!! :-) Take care and have a great weekend,

David (NewDawnFades)

[bchlyn]

colleen i am sorry you are hurting...you are not a failure one example is my still not cutting... the first night i posted here i was in a really bad place... and your replies really helped to get me focusing on not following through and not what i wanted to do... does that make any sense...lyn