I'm a loser (possible trigger)

Oh man....the insecurity meter is going off the charts and I totally hate my guts right now.

Without getting into the gory details, I quit college a semester before graduation, for many reasons. I eventually went back (at 30), finished my bachelor's and went on for a master's, so it all worked out, sort of.

I'm a reporter for a small weekly in Milwaukee. I regularly cruise an industry-news blog just to see what's going on on the national scene. The page is updated throughout the day.

When I went for my post-lunch check, the first item was that someone I went to school with (the first time, back when I still had a future) just got a job with ESPN.

Yup, here I am, making 24K a year, and he's going to ESPN. I feel like dirt.

Now, I have therapy tonight, and I can picture Gregory telling me that this guy didn't have to overcome everything I did -- 10 years of sexual abuse, etc. Everyone who knows about my life tells me how wonderful it is that I've been able to do so much and come so far. But dammit, it's not true. I'm so far behind at this point I'm not going to peak till I'm 90! And it all could have been avoided, and it's all my fault that I live in a state where it says "America's Dairyland" on the license plates (if you don't think THAT'S embarrassing when you roadtrip :-) ... and have a meaningless job and no career to speak of. I should be having this guy's life. It was in my grasp, and I f'd it up, and I'm going to pay the consequences forever.

And, I not only want to cut, I want to hack my entire f'ing arm off with a rusty saw. I have a friend who once took a hammer and broke her own arm. That shocked me at the time, but there have been times since it happened that I've given it serious consideration. This is one of them.

What a waste of life I am.

:_(

Candy


There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

I know what you mean, Candy. I finished my bachelors degree 13 years ago but didn't actually graduate (walked across the stage but didn't receive my degree). I gave up because I didn't get into graduate school and they told me I should start over in a different field. I just finally took another year of classes and will have my BA now, but still need to get into graduate school somewhere and life gets in the way. It's really depressing that I could have been well into a career by now, and the people now turning down my graduate school applications (some of them) are younger than me.

I've never even made $5000 in a year - not really qualified for any good jobs - my lifetime earnings are about the same as what I owe on student loans. Yuck! But comparing to someone else doesn't help. You just have to go on from where you are and look at what you have accomplished. There's still time for lots more.

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

Ok Candy, I am going to warn you up front that this reply has a taste of Taoist Pollyanna to it so you may want to ignore it.

The first thing I had to learn when I became a parent is that each child learns things at a different rate and at different times. A child who is good at physical things tends to be slower to develop intelletual abilities then the clutzy kid and vice versa. It is because it takes time and attention to become proficient in an area of life. Then once they reach a certain "I can do this" level, they turn their attention to the activity that their parents fretted so much about them not being able to do. At which point they become great at that thing leaving the parents scratching their heads feeling rather stupid for calling their pediatrician 8 times about their concerns.

This idea carries on into adult life and into the taoist principle. First of all life is a process. Unfortunately we have no idea where in that process we are, or what the heck the end of the process is going to yeild. But everything we do and experience is a lesson that we are learning. That is why one must not compare one's self with another person even though it is hard to resist. Their process and their final product is totally different from what yours is. Therefore, if you were to be on ESPN you would never reach your final goal for your life because being on ESPN will take you off the road that you were meant to follow. The trick is to trust in the process, accept your path and learn as much as you can from it. An interesting side note is that your being upset at the ESPN thing is actually part of your process. Fun thing about this philosophy is that you never go wrong because each time you "mess it up" you get to attribute the goof to being "just part of the process." Helps the self esteem tremendously.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

Interesting theory, Carrie. But the first thing everybody finds out about me is that I never let myself off the hook. Your way takes the blame off me and attributes it to some mysterious "process." But this one is all my fault. I chose to quit school. I chose to spend 8 years in dead-end jobs when, if I'd not run off to another state chasing a guy I barely knew (long story for another time, and it contributes to my trauma), I could have been building a career. I chose to defer for at least 15 years the dream I've had since I was 9 years old. I have never wanted to be anything but a journalist. I was 12 credit hours away from graduating with a degree from one of the top 5 journalism schools in the country. *I* threw it away. So I'm not going to pin this one on a "process" -- it's all mine.

Today brings new problems. A priest (I work for a Catholic paper) who repeatedly molested a 9-year-old boy (who is now in his early 20s) and is saying the KID was the aggressor (right-o), is going to enter a guilty plea soon as part of a plea bargain. Tomorrow the suits are holding a conference in court to decide when Fr. Pervert will appear to do that. The Catholic newspaper in New Jersey, where this guy most recently lived, wants the story. My boss asked me to do it.

My boss doesn't know about my sexual abuse. My THERAPIST doesn't even know, in detail. We've been working on trying to get me comfortable with telling him. I trust him completely, but I've never told anybody details, ever, and it terrifies me, sends me into panic attacks at the thought, etc.

My choices are: Do the story and potentially set myself back quite a bit, or have to deal with flashbacks while I'm sitting there, or whatever, or, tell my boss why I can't do it and have her assign it to somebody else. My boss knows about most of my mental health stuff and is wonderfully understanding and concerned. But if I try to get out of it, I have to have a reason -- "I don't want to do this" isn't good enough.

I'm still overwhelmed, and I still want to cut, badly and often. When does this get easier?

Candy


There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candybear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
That is a difficult decision. Would you be at all able to seperate yourself from your situation while you worked on the story? Kinda like controlled dissociation. Or could you write you reason down on a peice of paper and give it to your boss without giving any details?
Carrie

PS Each decision we make is part of the process. We have been given free will and that is what makes things interesting but our soul self knows what we need to learn what it is we came into this life to do. I put this in a post scriptum because process or not the situation you are in sucks.
CK

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

I emailed my boss and explained, briefly, why this assignment would be very difficult for me. I've been waiting for a reply all day.

She just finished the schedule for the next few weeks. The first thing she said when she brought it over and pointed out everything she wants me to do was, "About the court thing -- I got your note and forwarded it to Sam, who said he would do it, so no problem on that one."

Simultaneous relief and heart attack!

She is the only one here who knows ALL my mental health issues, and she's generally very discreet, so I couldn't believe she would just up and forward something that sensitive, verbatim!

I finally had to ask, and she said she summarized in general terms, but my heart is still pounding.

I guess I'm glad to be free of worrying about how doing this story would affect me -- and I guess it's an issue for therapy to look into why being honest with people about my usually-very-obvious issues (can't miss my scars, etc) scares the poop out of me -- but I'm still really edgy.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers