[itsjustme111]

Some of us never take advice
until its out of sight...
give up without a fight

but I fear
I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE
but I have SO MUCH to lose
here in my lonely world

In so much pain, I know I deserve. Those I destroy are always with me. My self harm, not just to self, to those who watch me slowly take me life. This is who I am, a person who puts on a mask, that will never break. They will all wonder why? What did happen under this mask. My lies I tell when caught. How clumsy I am and opps how I trip on things not even there. What else do you say when the room wants to stop. When your body cant stand. True and complete fatigue. No, not this liar. Its all okay in this empty heart of mine. So when they all awake, yet another sleepless night; mom is okay cause she has on her smiling mask. Mom is okay, she is just clumsy. Mom is okay, she is just not hungry. Mom is okay, cause we want her to be. So here goes my face that I have worked so hard to perfect, I am okay because my kids say I am. No fear, no control, no destiny, its just me. I am dying, does anyone see? I am killing myself with this enemy I fear. I HATE YOU, I HATE THIS FOOD. STAY AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. This is my death, dont you see? It is killing me slowly, this fear, this monster inside. Slowly..............but surely...................... (how pathetic and wasteful of a life)

its just me....

[SweetCrusader]

((((((((justy)))))))

i am so, so sorry you are going through this. i think maybe it's time for a new dr. is there anywhere else that you can go besides that crummy hospital to be safe?

((((((((more hugs))))))

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[itsjustme111]

I no longer have a pdoctor. And I dont want one either. My family doctor is trying but he is not qualified to deal with all of this. But he is monitoring me. I am going in late this afternoon. I am just so darn tired; I do feel like I am slipping away. Even my mask is fading away. I cant even think of looking at food; want nothing to do with it. Why would I? It just makes me freak out anyway.

Thanks for the caring;

justy

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My heart aches for you. You deserve to live, and I don't just mean survive, I mean really live. You will have to fight for your life, and not give in to the monster. What do you have to live for? Living for your kids is fine to start with. I know that you love them very much. They love you too, and they want you to be okay. They know something is wrong, but you tell them it's ok and they want to believe it.

You have a lot to give! A mother's love is just part of it. You are a wonderful, sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent person. The world needs more people like you. How can we convince you not to give up?

Rapunzel

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[itsjustme111]

Oh my!!! I dont think anyone has ever said this to me before. Your words ((Rapunzel)), it meant so much to read that I am sitting here crying. More people like me? Wow, that was overwhelming; not in a bad way. I dont think anything about myself, just that I want to give this mothers love. I dont think you need to convince me to not give up, what more can you all do? You have given me more support than anyone I have ever known. Family, people close by etc. They all gave up on me when I got sick. I was told a long time ago; I am the black sheep of the family, I destroyed us. I am crazy and belong to stay where I am. They cant be bothered with me. They all have problems, even when they cant admit it, deep down they know. I have seen it. Our family was and still is dysfunctional. So I guess what I have to live for is my kids. They need me, sick or not.

justy

[itsjustme111]

You will see what I mean about disgust in self. I took my daughter for a hair cut today. She was getting hungry and we were at the mall. I was not feeling good at all; thinking I was going to hit the floor. She asked if we could eat at the store restaurant. I said sure. She said, "mom, what are you going to eat, or are you having anything?" ******, what a wonderful mom I am. I wanted to say nooooo; I dont even want to smell it let alone put it anywhere near my body. But I ordered a bowl of soup. I had such a hard time even eating this. My tummy did not like it at all. It wasnt me, it was my stomach. I got so nauseous I had to hurry to the washroom. Well how embarrasing. My body is rejecting it; not only my head telling me its gross.
And to end a lovely outting with my little girl; who do we see; my ex husbands sister in-law and her kids. I dont even want to go there!! Put it this way; dont know who is worse; my ex or her.

justy

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You're worth it. Hang in there.



<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[itsjustme111]

Thanks again Rupunzel. I dont even know what to say anymore. Lots of pain and really down. So darn tired I could collapse. Cant barely even swallow anymore. I have this back pain now, dont understand that one. Pretty bad I cant take the dog for a walk. He pulls so hard that I cant hold on; dont want to do a face plant. I have to let him off his leash. Just pray he doesnt take off; no energy to chase him. lol. My doc mentioned IV therapy if these meds dont work for my infections. Yuckyyyyyy.

justme

[SweetCrusader]

aww, geeze. life is really rough on you, justy. i'm so sorry! you will be in my thoughts!!!

(((((hugs)))))

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[itsjustme111]

Yes but tomorrow could be better; right? See what doc says tomorrow, going in at noon.

Thanks again. ((hugs back))

justy

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} wish I could give you more then just a virtual hug. Know you are in my thoughts.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

[itsjustme111]

Thanks Zenobia. Got some sleep last night. Feel a little more rested but I sound like poo. Hugs are good no matter how they are given. I like those!!

justy

[itsjustme111]

Once I got outside today, felt a lot better. Seemed like the fresh air opened my lungs up. I went to my doctors. He listened to my chest and said it was sounding much better. My throat is not so bad; I am feeling better now. Hurray!!! My back is sure sore though. Oh well, could be worse. My doctor was upset that I stopped taking the prozac. I told him again why I feel this way. He says, "you cant get better if you dont take it." I laughed and said I cant argue with that one. I told him my bf was really talking down about meds and all. He was not impressed, he said he wants to talk to him. We have the same doc.
I said NO way!!! Its too frustrating. So I agreed to take it for 3 months. He wants me to check in every few days now, unless I get really sick again. So we will see. Still cant eat though. hmmm; maybe the meds will help this, it is used for eating disorders.

justy

[Leslie]

((((((((((((((((((((((((JUSTY)))))))))))))))))))))

You are sounding so much better. I know you still have a way to go but your on your way. Keep up with your doctors, I am going to do the same. I am seeing mine again in a little more than a week. She wanted to see me in a month and I said, no that wouldn't be good.

Love,
Leslie