[Zenobia]

Went to bed last night at 9:00 and didn't get up this morning until 8:30. Guess I was a wee bit tired. Been cutting a lot the last couple of days. Just scratches really. Got tired of fighting the urge and staying in the same place of discomfort. Actually I had done pretty well over the last few weeks considering how upset and drained I have been. Hadn't been sleeping well at all and started having nightmares. Last night was filled with dreams. Interesting dreams, not scary at all. Night before last was not so good. I dreamt that I was trying to catch my blood in a small glass tube so that I could run some tests on it but it kept spilling out. There was no bottom on the tube and when I put my finger on the end the blood just leaked past my finger. I dream in color. I have been asked before if I dream in color or black and white. Do other people really dream in black and white? Why would that be?
Carrie <font color="blue">

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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I dreamt that I was trying to catch my blood in a small glass tube so that I could run some tests on it but it kept spilling out. There was no bottom on the tube and when I put my finger on the end the blood just leaked past my finger.

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What I get out of this dream is that you were/are trying to do a job with inadequate tools. Things that should work, don't, like trying to stem the flow of blood with your finger. There's a loss of control there. You know that already, though.

Nightmares as well as dreams are our subconcious trying to work things out or bring hidden things to the top. Some things are obvious and some things aren't. Don't know if you do this already, but if I was you, I'd write down your dreams as soon as you can after you have them so you remember most of them and then apply them to what's going on in your life at the time. I find that some things become clear to me even when I thought I had it under control or had exhausted that subject.

Love you, Hun. If there is anything I can say or do, please let me know. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} An extra hug for you.

[SweetCrusader]

Wow! That's quite a dream! I agree with SM about the symbolism of it. It seems to apply to what's been going on with you, don't you think?

I dream in color, too. I've never had a dream in black and white.

((((((Carrie))))) I hope you find the right tools for the job!

Angela

[wisewoman]

Zen, I believe I dream in color as well. You are pretty amazing the way you work through and process feelings and events in your life. You are so good at articulating your inside process. I know that we had some discussion about by not si-ing when the urge is there you are afraid you'll do more damage if you wait. I had never thought of it like that before. But, I am sad that you need to si, I am sad that you've been scratching. i am sad because I know that means you are in umbearable pain. I am sad because your body does not deserve to hurt. I am not saying you are bad, I am saying you are good and I am sorry that you have that much pain. I know that place all too well. I am sending you comfort.

[Zenobia]

Tomi,
I think you may be right on the symbolism dream. I hadn't thought about it which is odd because I usually do like trying to figure out what the subconscious is trying to get through to me. I have a dream journal and I tell my therapist my dreams sometimes. They are a valuable asset. Sometimes though they are just disturbing.

Angela,
I am trying to find those tools. Not too successful right now though. I feel...hmm...every word I can think of to discribe how I feel is not appropriate for the forums. Guess today isn't my day. Sigh.

Oh Dear WiseWoman,
I am in a bit of pain. It wouldn't be so bad except I keep being told by people how they want me to be happy. I could ignore most of them but one of them is my husband. How can I not please my husband? If I cut then I can put on the appearance of happiness which will make him happy which will give me the peace of mind that he is happy so that I don't have to worry about him leaving me.

Yeah, I know it is stupid. I need to feel my feelings and trust that he is here for the long haul but old habits die hard. I am trying.
Carrie <font color="purple">

[SweetCrusader]

Oh, ((((Carrie)))) This isn't stupid at all! All of this stuff your talking about is a huge component of si for a LOT of us. Feeling like we need to put on a facade of health and happiness because others might not accept us, and feeling like si is the only way to be able to do that when we're in so much pain. I've been there. That's how I got started with cutting. I think, if you dare, that you should talk to your husband or write a letter that says how you understand he wants you to be happy because he loves you, but how you also need to be allowed to express your feelings and work through them, or you will never truly be happy. You will never stop si-ing. And you will never be fully and honestly your self. Once you have dealt with those feelings (which can be an ucky mess, I know!!), then it will be easier to put on a REAL smile. It really will! Do you think he would understand all that?

Angela

[wisewoman]

I am sorry you feel so trapped about expressing your feelings that the only relief is in cutting. I know that place just all too well. It does help me to reach out and talk about it as much as I can bare. That is hard in it'self. I am thinking about you and wishing you peace. Wish I had something witty and happy to tell you. Well, how's this? A friend of mine called me a few weeks ago about how this really nutty woman had dumped these 7 rabbits lose on a mutual friend's farm. The rabbits are tame domestics and survival on a non-working, no food in winter farm is unlikely. she asked me what to do. Well, being ever better at limit setting I said; "if you can have a heart them I will find them homes". She called today and they have caught four. I said okay, I'll come over with my carrying cages and get them. I didn't even sex them, they look like standard rex, I think. well, I picked up one to put it in the travel cage and SHE is very pregnant with nipples extended and as soon as I put her in the cage with hay in the nest box she crawled in. It appears I will be grammy again before morning. And I am trying to set limits, huh. I hope this makes you smile at least because even in my own pain right now I can see those bunnies out there with expensive rabbit food, hay and water and know they are safe. And know that these babies will have a chance. Plus they are cute. Anyone want a bunny? keep trying hun, it's the best we all can do.

[Zenobia]

Angela, I don't think he wants to understand. This is not saying that he is mean or anything, it is just that he has found it easier to say "I don't understand you" then to try to find the empathy it takes to understand this problem. It would mean him having to face feelings in himself that he is not yet ready to face. I understand this. But to try to talk to him about it will be hurtful in that I will not get what I need from him to heal and will probably be expecting something he can't give. I think it is up to me to let go of the need to please other people to this extreme. I just am having troubles doing it. It is usually done on the subconcious level. On the bright side I have been able to talk it out here and recognise what it is I am doing. I may still be cutting but I have made some sort of progress. This is a good thing.

My Bunny Lady,
You did make me smile. I imagined what it would be like to hold a soft little bunny and it made me feel good. Are there truely limits with bunnies?

Tomi:
Was thinking some more about your dream interpretation. I made me think that SI must be the equipent that isn't adaquate. But now my husband is home and talking to me so I have to go.
Talk to you all later,
Carrie <font color="purple">