oooops

messed up... panic attack at choir tonight after just too much to deal with this week...(and it's only tuesday). Feels longer. had a mini rehearsal before choir then when joining the main choir the panic hit hard. the decision to cut was made before i even got out of the bldg... to the car, got the razor, 10 cuts to stop bleeding before going back in and acting like everything's fine. was really emotional - called t afterward (per our contract, but couldn't call before hand, knew she wouldn't be there, knew i had to get in control fast to get through rehearsal). was crying on phone (new - t's never heard any emotion from me in 7 months).
no pain - so i know how far "out" i was and still am. see t tomorrow night and MD next week (another blood draw).

Today's sort of been the brunt of things - chose coffee and chocolate for lunch (I'm allowed neither), didn't have my lunch meds until dinner, tried to cut fingers with my car key when i was upset earlier today. tried to cut with broken pen cap when rehearsal first started. i kept thinking the 10 cuts came on suddenly, but really, there were warnings if i had looked.

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it got so bad. Hope your T appt tomorrow goes okay.

Be safe, if you need to get medical attention please make sure you do, okay?

Safe hugs.

((((((Rapunzel)))))
(((((Christina))))

i found a treatment center i want to go to - but i can't. w/o work i'll lose everything. and ins won't cover but 45 days.

feeling really small right now - even sitting here typing with my arms wrapped around my knees.

hmmmm arm is starting to sting - means i'm switching again. *great*.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that things were so overwhelming that you cut. Please take care of yourself. Maybe you and your t and doc can brainstorm some ideas for supporting you. I am sorry that the treatment center may not be an option right now. Know I am here.

BB

((((((Kiya))))))

I wish I had a magic wand...I would make everything better for you if I did. But the best I can do is send lots of hugs, love, and support you know you can pm me if you ever need to!!

kiya... i am so sorry that you were in so much panic... do you know what triggered it?... i care... i know i have been kind of off ... but i am thinking about you... lyn

((((((b bear))))))
((((((silver)))))))
(((((((lyn)))))))))

i dunno - was sort of a whole day thing.... probably a whole week thing with that mean boss and my fears of her and not going back to her - then the whole vet clinic deal really triggered me more than i realized - everytime i think about it i start shaking all over. maybe because the cat we operated on looked a lot like my old cat and also like my friend's cat... or just the pressures of having to put aside my own fears and discomfort to help another living thing. i know i was really dissociated the whole day there- i wanted to cut that day. and seeing all those sharp instruments all day... grrrrrrrrr.
with choir, when i walked into the main hall it was that same guy that i had had issues with leading the rehearsal (the one who, when i confronted his behaviors, he emailed it to everyone in choir). I just felt boiling rage well within and stormed right out to my car and right to the kit with the new box cutter in it. I haven't used that in well over a year, even tho i know it's been there and i have thought of it on occasion.
=( kiya

((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))

((((((kiya))))))

had t tonight. a big step for me was letting her see the damage. to make myself i went in with my sleeves already rolled up on my sweater. then proceeded to hide them anyway. but over time i let them be seen more and more and then didn't try to hide them again.
T said she's a big fan of Belleruth Naperstek and her work (of which I also have the PTSD tape) and t is ordering the trauma pack and asked BR specifically if t could make a copy of them for me (which I know she's allowed to already). I was eying that pack for some time now. That is nice of t. I may well be her only trauma patient. Her speciality is mostly related to health and helping ppl deal with life threatening/debilitating diseases (of which mine sort of leans, but it is the trauma that led to my adrenal fatigue that is re-scripting my life, work, and diet). I know i'm her only (if not first) DID patient.
Guess i'm glad it is still cold here... i'll be wearing long sleeves for a *long* time.

it's really hard for me to show my t... but he doesn't give me a choice in it... i wonder if at some point it won't be there anymore... you know like an elephant in the room trying to hide behind the chair?????? i am glad you were able to show her... how do you feel about it? lyn

hmmmm... a mix of things... like "am i showing her these for attention", will she think i am doing this for attention, i don't want to have to hide these, the weight of the secret is too much a burden, someone needs to know other than just me, i need help, this is stupid - i don't need help.... the whole gambit.

finally got out of the house for mailing bills and getting stuff
was feeling really unsafe and was weighing the options of going into my dr's (fam dr) and tell them how bad things are right now. but didn't have the courage (and felt i would not be welcome to do that as a walk in).
finally pulled off the road at a mini park so i could draw or paint and noticed how numb the body was - knew cutting was close.
called a crisis line. we talked for 15 minutes i guess... she said to have a plan "1st i'll do this (walk or whatever) then do this (draw) then do .... then check in with myself. then start over with the first one."
wanted me to call when i got home but i told her i'm avoiding home right now. so we talked about that.
i did paint when i got off the phone - i keep supplies in the car. and then got a movie for tonight (that is a requirement for class). oh the gal asked me to call t and leave a message about having called the crisis line and 'where i'm at". which i did - and started crying in the message.
This bites because all these emotions are just starting to come up (after 7 months) and t's leaving on vacation soon.

got home and mom said our electric bill is over $400 because she hasn't been paying it (and i've been out of work so i couldn't even pay rent) so we are now not allowed to turn on the heat. =( but i notice she's had the tv on all day long. i got another call about finances right after that news.... feeling really unstable and like the world is just collapsing.

I quit hiding years ago...it wasn't easy but I didn't much care after my teen years. The people who know me know about my cutting and I make no effort to hide it anyways. If someone asks me what happened I'm brutally honest with them. My thing is I thoroughly hate lying...so I'm just honest with everyone. I don't care what they think about my cutting anymore.

Hang in there.

lotsa hugs and love for kiya
((((((((((((((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
like silversparrow said, you can pm me too, if you ever want to.
we all love you!!

((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))

Glad you were able to trust T to be able to show her. That's a big thing... I find it hard to trust people, especially with stuff like that. Sorry about your finances at the moment, that must be incredibly stressful.

Be safe... if you need to talk, please PM me.

ty taintedgoth, paintingravins, christina

i am being safe.

sorry things are so tough for you. Wow, showing your t is huge. Even after 2 years I still don't even talk to my t about SI- it comes up very occasionally but i mostly try to avoid it; not coz I dont trust her just coz i am so uncomfortable talking about it. That's where having my fantastic med dr is so good. No talk, no explanations. Just looks after it.
Hang in there and hopefully things will start to improve little by little.

kiya i am glad your being safe... i know how hard it is... showing your t is a really big step and i don't think she thinks your showing her to get attention... i know that as much as i hate it, knowing that he will have me show him has been a major deterrent for me... sometimes i think "i will just lie" but i don't do that too well... so as much as i want to, i don't....take gentle care...lyn

((((sujunew)))))
((((((lyn)))))))

Most the day was spent in a deep depression. I dd finally get out of the house bc mom's boyfriend was coming over. I got a movie have to watch for class and went to a nearby park (snce it is a lovely day) and took my paints. After that i did some needed food shopping and came home to an empty house. I thought i was doing better, then had some fits of despair while driving but i seem to be on an even keel right now. A friend called and i acted like everything is just fine. She said something like "Be good to you" and i looked at my arm and said "always". like i can't even acknowledge that i am in depression to my friends.

I know just how you feel kiya...I feel like i'm always wearing a mask when i'm around others, and it's like i can't ever show how i'm really feeling.
((((kiya))))

(((((((((((ravens))))))))) thanks

yup that's exactly it. Saw MD today - doing better. She provides so much support. gosh i've missed her these past 2 months.

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))

Sorry to hear about all that... hope your having better days now

babyg xxx

((((((babyg))))))
ty we'll see.... i'm kinda freaked about starting meds (real meds) and after reading a lot about this one.... MD seems to really think that this will help. I know she and my t really want me to stop cutting. for 9 months MD has told me how bad the meds are for ppl... and now she wants me on them. I looked at her for a long time, waiting for her to amend this statement. She finally said that yes she's against them and the way they're used... but that in cases like mine where i'm clearly not getting better with her other treatments, then she uses the meds to "bump me up a notch" to raise my serrotonin levels and get me off of them again.