[Cthomas]

I mean between my husband and life......oh well here goes

Alright, where do I begin? Most of you may know my husband asked for a divorce about two months ago then wanted to make it work.

He blamed me for abusing him mentally in the last 15 years and I give him that. Ive been working hard to make things happen for the greater good of this relationship. I have started taking 200 mgs of seroquel a day for my mood swings and for the most part its working.

However husband is diabetic like me, 15 years hes been a diabetic who has not cared for himself. He had an issue last night with sugars in the 400’s ….talked to my mom on the phone and she was downright pissed at him. (for not caring for himself properly, as her and I are also diabetic) And in turn I feel I got some of the attitude. I told her I wanted to call her back and her answer was “well, guess when stacy is mad everybody just wants to hang up huh?” I said no. ( was in the middle of what I thought to be an asthma attack) and turned out to be just that. Then afterwards I tried to call her back but her phone was busy. Im guessing she took the phone off the hook, but not sure.

Now I feel like I screwed up and have urges to cut at this time.

Need help. Depression is kicking in…

[purplebutterfly]

(((((Colleen)))))
Be Safe!!

[Cthomas]

Thanks because as of right now I dont feel as if I belong anywhere. not here on these boards or here irl.

I am losing friends by the second because of the crap in my life. I just want to drive until i run out of gas.

me

[Typo]

((((((((Cthomas))))))))))

It will be okay, I'm here for you.
You can talk to me any time you want.

[Cthomas]

Thanks silver, i appreciate the backup.

However, i have decided to turn my phone off. i just dont want to be in contact with anybody physically. its better for me mentally right now. I feel like crap. the seroquel is working on my nerves but im in a "i just dont give a crap" mode right now.

thanks again. I will be hanging out here a lot today. I need you guys.

thank you all....

colleen

[Typo]

Maybe you could go for a walk?
For me going outside for a walk or just getting out of the house improves my mood.

Sending safe thought and hugs to you
Silver

[Cthomas]

Thanks i havent been here a whole heck of a lot lately. and im beginning to think my friends think ive ditched them. however, ive been in a funk so bad i havent even wanted to tell you guys. I am at work today. and work usually distracts me if even a little bit.

I feel like i have no friends anymore and that I am just a shell. the urges are huge today. coming in waves, like the tide. I cant swim. its too hard. but im trying. My heart is so full of hurt. I want to leave my life. I dont even have a great excuse on why to do so. I just feel the need to disappear. make any sense?

colleen

[Typo]

((((((((((Cthomas))))))))))

I understand, it will pass, you just have to ride the wave out.
Everyone here cares hun, just because you take sometime away doesn't mean people stop caring. Don't bottle your emotions up, it just makes things worse.

[Cthomas]

still hanging in there.....

[Kiya]

i think you did right and took care of yourself. no one can ask for more than that. ...well, i guess they *can*, but they shouldn't. If Stacey is mad about it, that is stacey's stuff - not yours. You're doing everything in your power to do right and take care of your physical and mental needs. Sounds to me like the others need to also take responsibility and get their stuff together.
Hugs to you!!!
Kiya

[bchlyn]

how are you doing now colleen... take gentle care...lyn

[bchlyn]

hi colleen...just checking in... how are you today...lyn

[Cthomas]

crappy to say the least. I amwith a man who finds it hard to tell me he loves me on a daily basis. he says this is something i should already know

i thought when you love someone it dont take a sacrifice to say it.

Im worthless....

[bchlyn]

colleen your not worthless... some men just don't get it... and they don't know how to express their feelings... not that it's ok and i understand how much it hurts... take gentle care...lyn

[Cthomas]

he dosent understand SI or abuse, he has no CLUE what its like to live in my mind. for a SECOND. he does not understand what I need. however I have been talking to a guy that i am not attracted to. but who makes me laugh, understands my issues and DEALS with them accordingly. i see him. never cheated. but i gotta tell you. the grass looks greener on the other side. after 15 years of marriage this guy just dont get it, and when the arguments are over with he expects me to just turn it off.....forget that %#@&#!.

I am worthless

[nowheretorun]

you do not sound worthless to me C.. i pray you find your resolutions... knowing what we want is essential to achieving it as you so well know.. you are not a quitter.... wishing you the best

[Angel_of_the_Past]

If someone hasn't walked the walk, they can't talk the talk. Period! I gave up on trying to help my family understand SI & SA.

I know the grass may look greener on the other side right now but don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just want you to be safe and not set yourself up for more heartache.

Hugs-Angel

[Cthomas]

Angel, darrel.

thank you all, kiya, lyn bb, christina, all you guys, purple especially for backing me up.

I just dont feel worth a damn anymore. I am sick and tired of having no destination in life, of having no drive. I feel like my drive is diminished. that I am a shell. worthless.

I feel broken and beaten. Like the pretending is over. I am nothing.

colleen

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((colleen))))))))))))))))))))))) Can you hang onto that I don't think you are nothing? Even if you are not feeling so yourself maybe you can believe my perception for now. Sometimes when things are hard our judgement gets distorted. Please try and see yourself as I do. Please be safe.

BB

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cthomas said:I feel broken and beaten. Like the pretending is over. I am nothing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

we gotta fake it till we make it.... right? someone said that. you're gonna make it. one of these days. i know it sux right now. *man i konw*. but one day you're gonna come right through and be surprised. hugs to you

[bchlyn]

you know colleen... the first night i posted you were right there to give me a hand up... i was a mess... i wish i could be the same sort of support for you now... but all i can do is listen and let you know that i am walking with you... take gentle care...lyn

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cthomas said:
Now I feel like I screwed up and have urges to cut at this time.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi C, does your mom make you feel like you screw up a lot? You don't meet her needs and then you feel bad?

[purplebutterfly]

((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))

[Cthomas]

@bchlyn, thanks for the thank you. I do remember your first night here. I am just glad to have helped.

sannah, my mom was in a crappy mood an di took it personally which i shouldnt have. thank you for posting too.

@purple. sorry i havent been such a good friend. I am just depressed and trying to not drown.

Love you all......thanks bb and anybody else I missed. including ANGEL.

Colleen