[sarahxxkristine]

its impossible to hurt the people that hurt me first....i cant just attack them for calling me a name or....saying stuff behind my back...and thats frustrating...it makes me wanna take it out on me...because maybe in the end, im the issue...not them....i feel like someone needs to be punished and if i cant punish them, then ill punish me and at least someone will pay for the mistakes either of us has caused.

when i hurt someones feelings, i feel i need to be punished....and my way of wanting to is to cut.... however ive never cut before, but i suppose i imagine myself cutting and it releases all that pain ive dealt with...its a hard and long process to get over the feeling of guilt.... and it takes me a few days to fully recover....

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((sarahxxkristine))))))))))))))))))

Dealing with anger is the hardest emotion when it comes to self-injury, in my experiences.

Trust me on this, you do not want to start cutting. It's an addictive self-destructive problem, that is very hard to stop - and it will hurt you a lot in the long run.

Relationships with others are difficult, and unfortunately usually result in hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Not everyone you meet is going to be the nicest either, it just happens like that.

You do not deserve to punish yourself for what's happened in the past, just take care of yourself in the future.

Please be safe. You're important, and PM me anytime.

[sarahxxkristine]

[snowflakes]

Hi sarah!
Having suidal ideations like that is never an anwer to whatever your going through. Thinking things like that will just complicate things and in the long run will just cause you pain. I think what you need is to let it all out. Disclosure or confiding of that guilt feelings you have to someone you trust will surely help. Being sadistic to yourself wherein youll punish yourself because you felt you have caused so much to others is not right. Keep safe always....

[sarahxxkristine]

thank you you two. idk its hard for me to endure these feelings because i swore to my parents i never had them...i dont want anything to with feelings of suicide or slitting my wrists in order to "give me what i deserve" it just feels like its not me. the only thing that has stopped me is the consequences of the acts....thinking about my family and friends and how it will affect my daily life having to cover up the scars i will produce.....
those consequences were the reason i wouldnt even think about cuttnig and now the feelings are stronger and more convincing...esp when i feel guilty of hurting someone.....im struggling on the inside and havent grown the confidence to tell my T about it......when really, thats who i need to come to my rescue at a time like this...whats her purpose if i cant tell her whats realy bothering me, i got for an hour and gossip about whos been on my nerves that week...when on the inside im dying to tell her that i think i wanna start to cut...

[snowflakes]

(((((((((((sarahxxkristine)))))))))))

I think you just have to trust your therapist on this. They will not let anything bad happen to you. Trust. Its just what you need and before we knew it, you are already relenting to him/her all those feelings you have. Know what is good in you? It is somehow you still manages not to commit the act and for me, that is one good reason that you are not letting those feelings get over you. And I wanna commend you on that. And what you need right now is really trust yout therapist on this. They know what they are doing...

[sarahxxkristine]

thanks snowflakes, ive only seen my T 5 times and i guess that not enough to acutally trust someone....thats my main issue and i know they're there not to judge me..but i have trouble with when people have the opportunity to judge me, and thats my other issue....i leave for college on the 20th or so so i will only get to see my T like three more times at the most....unless i go twice a week but i don tthink she would wanna do that...idkkkkk blah alot on the mind eh? lol

[snowflakes]

I understand where your coming from. Trusting somebody in a short period of time or even if the both of you has just recently met is not that easy. Me as a clinical psychology grad oftentimes feel that to some of my patients. I feel like that sometimes they dont want to give their trust on me and I respect them on that. But see? We cannot resolve the issue if we will give-in. Its just a matter of give and take. And the T? They are just there to do their job.That is to help us out.

[sarahxxkristine]

ya snow exactly...thank you for understandin...ur a clinical psych grad?! thats what im gonna go for!!!! awesome...

but ya...maybe ill try to start to get into my issues next session, i just would hate for her to think im weird or something (WHICH I KNOW SHE WONT BUT THATS JUST MEEEE AND THOSE GREAT BRAIN MUSCLES CONTRACTING IN MY GOOD OL SELF DOUBT) lol

[Angel_of_the_Past]

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snowflakes said:
(((((((((((sarahxxkristine)))))))))))

I think you just have to trust your therapist on this. They will not let anything bad happen to you. Trust.

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I wish it was that easy to let your guard down and trust. Intellectually I think we all know we need to trust our T, but emotionally at least for me I can't stop fighting the war long enough to let my T "IN" to help me.

[Sannah]

Hi Sarah, I have heard others talk about this need to punish. Were your parents the punitive type?

[x_BabyG_x]

(((((((((((sarahxxkristine)))))))))))))

Ypu dont have to take it out on yourself you know. If its their problem, your not at fault, its them

Have you honestly done anything 'wrong' towards them...? Then theres no need to punish yourself. I hope you see this, our minds get hazy when ourselves are concerned

babyg - x

[sarahxxkristine]

hi sannah, i dont erally know what puntive means...but i didnt get punished for anything, ive never seriously been grounded before..so i guess they werent vey strict and didnt enforce rules to the extreme

and thank you baby...i know, but sometimes if ee like if they get away with it...then thats my fault and i deserve to be punished...but i know what ur saying and i understand it and appreciate it

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sarahxxkristine said:
i didnt get punished for anything, ive never seriously been grounded before..so i guess they werent vey strict and didnt enforce rules to the extreme

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Did you ever think that they needed to pay more attention and discipline you then?