[Cthomas]

I am a dissappointment,

I am a failure.....I need to get stronger and find myself suffering inside. Never letting the people in my life know that the insides are bleeding.

Now I sit and suffer, put on a smiley face and stare at the boxcutter i have in my hand.

what to do........maybe just go for it today? Ive been a couple of months without si. i think four. then i think.

why not just make myself dissappear. what difference would it make. does anybody really care?

thanks......

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))))))))))))


Colleen you are stronger than you think you are, I know you can get through this, take a few deep breathes and take it slow- every 5 mins that go by is another challenge that you got through without harming. I am sorry that you are hurting so bad that this seems to be the answer, believe me I know I have been there and I am there as well. We just have to try to make it through. We can do it, we can fight this. Please lets try to keep safe. PM me if you want to talk, seriously and you also have my email address.
You are strong, please remember this.

[x_BabyG_x]

Put the box cutter down!!

I care. What happened to this positive attitude you had the other night hunny?

Purplebutterfly is right, you are stronger than you think you are. There is no need to self harm. Sit with yourself an analyse the situation... and you will see that there is no need.

I hope your okay - meg - x

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Colleen))))))))))

You're listening to the lying voices.

I hope you resisted. I hope you continue to resist.

You have NEVER been a disappointment. You're a good role model here, a good friend and a good support for many. But you also need to be here for help for YOU too. You deserve that... we all d.

No disappearing either. That will intensify the pain, make the loneliness worse... and it's harder to escape urges when you're alone and suffering.

You are loved.

[Kiya]

two words colleen...

N. O.

got it???

kiya

[Cthomas]

Kiya christina, purple Baby G,

Thanks to all of you for being such good friends to me. I havent cut today although the thought isnt far from my mind but with work being busy, i just looked at the clock and i have an hour left....OMG.....that seems to be the only thing that helped....the busy parts of my day.

then coming here and seeing you guys post. well, thats the second part that is helping.

I need to get through tonite. thank you all.

colleen

[x_BabyG_x]

if u need to get through tonight, we will all be here

meg - x

[Christina86]

Yay for distractions... you can make it through tonight. I believe in you, as does everyone else here.

Perhaps you need to find a way for the box cutter to *not* be around you at all... not sure how it would work, but harder to be tempted if it's not within your line of sight.

What are you going to do for fun or relaxation tonight to keep your mind off of things?

((((((((((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))))))))

[Cthomas]

my mom is one of my biggest supporters. so i know she will keep me busy. i plan to workout for an hour when i get home tonite, just because i know it helps just a bit.

thank you all so much. i will keep posting tonite with updates. no si'ing so far.

c

[Kiya]

...especially on the giving up, ending it all part.
NO!!

[In_The_Darkness]

Hugs.You are really strong to go for so long without S.I. - I cant manage a week.

To go that long is stunning...it really is - KUDOS TO YOU!

Just think. if you disappeared, you'd leave a whole LOAD of people that love you behind.

You just hang in there x

[bchlyn]

colleen i am sorry that i wasn't online earlier... please take gentle care... i care and would notice... kiya is right... just say no... can you try to replace the lies with the truth...lyn

[Cthomas]

Thank you all for your replies. I just dont feel right these days. I try putting on the front, but its wearing me thin. Went to see T yesterday and she said I look like I am at square one again. She actually looked stumped to say the least.

Im such a headcase my T is stumped. talented huh? I thought so.

Im working on getting through today. I made it through last night because of sleep. its seeming to be the only escape I have. 11 hours of sleep to forget im alive.

me

[paintingravens]

(((((((((((Cthomas))))))))))))

[Mama611]

Kia ... Colleen wanted me to let you know she's safe for now. I am on the phone with her and will NOT get off until I know she can make it until tomorrow.

I am part of the problem. I got my hopes up that she would finally come HOME and get away from all her problems. Then she decided to stay. What she doesn't understand is that SHE did not CAUSE my disappointment ... I DID. I trusted her to be strong enough to hear the truth of MY unhappiness and she now thinks she's responsible for it.

She is no more responsible for MY disappointment than I am for her suffering today. I don't know how to tell her ... when I tried, she gave me the "Uh huh" answer. A NON-answer because she doesn't believe me.

How can I tell her that I want NOTHING MORE than HER happiness?

How do I tell her that her mother, the strong person she depends on, has bad days, too?

There is so much going on in my life right now that I became overwhelmed by it all. I was feeling pitiful. I wanted to get in the car with my dog and just drive away from my life.

Do you understand that this is NORMAL? That sometimes even the strongest people have weak days? That we share those weak times ONLY with the people we think are strong enough to hear them?

Someone ... please. Please beam me up and to Chicago! My baby needs me even though I'm the one who has driven her to this edge. I need to talk to her, but more, I need her to LISTEN. She IS stronger than she thinks. If I hadn't thought so, I would never have told her of my disappointment.

Someone ... please. PLEASE tell me what to DO! I love her more than my own life. It's how Good Mama's feel about their children. She needs to understand that even "normal" people have really rotten days. She has to believe that even "normal" people feel pitiful sometimes.

She has to KNOW she deserves better and is stronger than SI. Or worse.

Thanks, Kia. Thanks to all of you who are helping my baby today. Please stand by ... she wants you to know she'll be back online after she yells at all the idiot M-Fers on the highway!

Stacy ... sometimes a Good Mama

[inkblot]

You are stronger than you think--and you are proving it! I know about being tempted and wanting to do it, holding the blade in hand. For me, to be honest, my fave was a box cutter too. For a long time I actually slept with it in my hand under my pillow for my emotional security. Not for physical. It was like my emotional security blanket. Sometimes I would just hold it like that. That is just holding--not doing! You are using distraction techniques and that is very good! Proud of you for trying and working so hard at it!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{cthomas}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Kiya]

lots of hugs!!!!!!!

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know how hard it can be when you feel like this to go outside but sometimes it helps me even if it is for a short time. Do what you can and let yourself heal. I am sorry you are in that difficult place. Please PM me if you want to.

BB

[bchlyn]

thinking about you today...lyn