Missing my hubby

Ok, here is another reason why I have troubles dealing with things going well. When I am not mad at my hubby I start missing him terribly. It aches so darn bad. When I think of him I can smell him, feel him, taste him. It is a whole body experience that leaves me hurting through and through. Then I start worrying that I will never see him again. That he will get in a car crash coming home from work or he will get shot in a hold up at the store.

Wouldn't it be better just to stay angry at him forever about some made up reason? No, it isn't better because then the ache ache of longing is replace by the pain of loneliness. Either way cutting relieves the discomfort be it longing or loneliness.
Carrie

*hugs*

((((((Carrie)))))))

Treasure your husband. No, it wouldn't be better to be angry at him just to avoid the worrying and missing. Believe me, I have recently learned how rare and wonderful it is to find someone you can love and how much it hurts to lose him. My friend Jon that died- I've talked about him on here a bit- I had feelings for him that I never dealt with and never shared. The closest I ever came was writing a love poem to him (about missing him, ironically) that he will never see now.

The only thing that carries me through is the good feelings I have had toward him. Knowing that I missed him when he was gone. Knowing that I wanted him around me. Knowing how nice it was to be around him, that's what gets me through when I'm missing him now. If I had always been angry at him and never allowed myself to experience and think about my love for him,and my desire to have him around all the time, then the ache of losing him would run MUCH deeper. The only regret I will ever have is not being open ENOUGH to love.

And that is the truth from the bottom of my heart. I hope it helps you.

*hugs*
Angela

((((((((((((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you everyone for the wonderful hugs. I feel so totally borderline. But it is nice too because the situation is so clear and defined. Something that can be worked on rather then the vague uncomfortable feelings that I can't associate with anything at the time. I wrote a note to my T about these feelings while I was in the middle of the feelings so she will get a clear understanding of where I am at when that happens. I see her in a little less then 2 weeks so it won't be to long. I think it will be ok. I just have to learn how to...what? Sigh. I don't know where to go from here but my T will. And I wrote my hubby a note about it too. He gets frustrated with me sometimes because I will cut even when things are going good. I think this will help him understand a little more about why things that are good may be bad for me at the same time. It will be ok. On the happy side, I have been dealing with this axiety and have not self injured. Instead I have been doing other coping things. Too much ice cream but only for a day. I have switched to satsuma oranges.
Carrie