:(

I think I'm ready for my yearly crisis now. Something to shock me out of being stuck where I am. But I can't have a crisis this year, for a couple of reasons. Have to be responsible for the sake of my jobs, and also I told T that I won't have any this year because it sounds like she isn't prepared to deal with them long-distance without ever having actually met me, so she'd tell me to find someone local. And I can't afford both, and doubt that I could find anyone besides her who would help me. She's the first one I've met who doesn't settle for just good enough to get by, until the next time that is.

I'm zoning out unless something actually requires me not to, like either physical work like loading and unloading a ton of hay essentially by myself, or having to keep a girl at work from attacking people with forks or whatever.

For a while, work provided a break from everything else - I had a purpose and felt ok, at either job. But now it's intruding there too, if things get a little too quiet. I've run out of work to do at my Head Start job, but my boss says she can find plenty that needs to get done. Otherwise I'm sitting there waiting for my phone to ring or something. I have stuff to read (job-related), but I tend to zone out when I do that.

At home, the kids are going to drive me nuts. They want to have friends over, and then they all run around like wild animals, loud, and reckless. Throwing fits if I say no to having friends over (and I made a rule about no visiting if the house is trashed, so I'm not very popular right now). They keep destroying the fences, and then animals get loose. The beautiful, sweet, baby lamb that was born on Christmas was found dead this afternoon. She was fine this morning - no idea what happened.

This afternoon I discovered pieces torn off of my shadow box, that I have had since I was 12 years old - a souveneer from when I lived in Spain. I hadn't gotten it hung up, and my seven-year-old decided to destroy it. When I saw it, I didn't yell and get upset - I just quietly went and found my knife. It doesn't take much lately.

I need to hit the bottom again, so that I can remember what I'm headed for, and bounce off the bottom of the pit, and go on from there. But I don't have time for it. Working more and more. Tomorrow I have both jobs - Head Start 9-2 and the other place 3-10:30. Slowing down would be a bad idea. I wish I dared to visit here from work, but I'm scared of getting caught.

Have a good day tomorrow (and a good night too if you are still up, or even if you're not).

(((((((((Wendy)))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

Hey Wendy, I know it's cliche but do nice things for yourself. What ever it is. For me it's drinking hot water and eating well. Take breaks and just let yourself be. I am sorry it is so hard for you right now. Are you on meds? Time for a tweek?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angela, Susan, Nightdream, Esther, Fuzzy, WW}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks so much, all of you. Today was not bad. I kept busy enough all day with work, and I was ok. Another advantage - I'm only at Head Start for 5 hours, so I'm not expected to take a lunch break, and nobody suspects me of skipping breakfast, so it's an easy way not to eat much (a small snack, and dinner at the other job, and then chocolate when I got home). Neither job has breaks either, and I'm fine with that. Slowing down is bad for me. I have the day off tomorrow, and then back to 15 hour days on Saturday.

I'm just on St. John's Wort, and I was doubling and tripling it for a while, but that didn't do anything. Haven't had time for my light box in a long time either. WW, I am the biggest stinker about self-care. So, I have no right to complain about anything, but sometimes it's just nice to know that somebody cares.

Rap

Were you afraid to get angry at your 7 year old for distroying your things? I was wondering because it would seem to me that that would be a normal response to what happen. I know there were times when I was so wound up I was afraid to show any anger because I was afraid it would all come out and I might hurt my children. I always hurt myself in those situations.
Carrie

Carrie,

Yes, that was it, but it's so automatic that I don't even think about it. The kids (or someone) do something that hurts me, so I just go hurt myself. That's not the only reason - I was ready to anyway. My T asked about emotions this time - something like where do the feelings go. I said that I just ignore them and pretend they don't exist until it gets to be too much, and then I take them out on myself physically. Sometimes the breaking point is higher or lower than at other times, so sometimes it gets set off pretty easily. Yesterday I was having urges to show the cuts to a coworker and swear her to secrecy again, but I managed to resist that. So many of the girls cut, it wouldn't be anything new, except it's not supposed to be the staff who do it.

I hate the urge to show the cuts. I struggled and struggled with that urge last time I cut. I knew it would be more damaging then the cuts themselves and was able to resist. Do you think that urge is the wee one inside trying to reach out and get help since I wasn't don't a terrific job reaching out myself at the time? I remember I wasn't even coming here to talk until a couple days after the fact.
Carrie

We've hypothesized about why I keep wanting to tell people about stuff like this, and that's really an interesting idea to consider, especially since I'm avoiding telling T about wanting to or being close to having a crisis (and BTW, I've found a convenient trigger, but so far I'm resisting). One of the things we discussed that wanting to self-disclose has to do with wanting to be understood, and to be real with people, and to have a connection with them. Since I view my pathologies as the essential center of who I am, that's what I tend to want to offer as "here's the real me." So T said that at some level my motives were healthy. I don't think there's just one explanation though. I think it's a little of a lot of different things. Part of it is also probably the thrill of taking a risk like that. Well, I never told anyone that I was sane.
Wendy

Hey Wendy, I am not so great at self care sometimes either. I did not take my mid morning meds,I didn't eat "lunch" until 2:00(peaches). But I do try. So, the med thing. Why no meds? Seems like where you are fearing going could be helped with meds. It seems like you have so much at stake It might be good to speak with someone about drugs. Keep talking. I have to ask you a question, Are you abusing or mis-using any alcohol or drugs? I only ask because something in your post reminded me of me when I have been stuffing feelings with chemicals. It's good to reach out to
people here. By speaking about it it helps flush it out and make it more clear.

It was about a little more than a year ago that my former T made me go talk to someone about drugs. I went, and explained to my doctor that I was there only because I told T I would go. I'm scared of how drugs would affect me, don't want another expense, and SJW works most of the time. While I could be set off easily at this point, I am hanging on. Today is cold and foggy and windy, and my seven-year-old's principal wanted to talk to me about him smelling bad and not having good enough lunches (he's a bedwetter, and I'm not sure what is going on with his lunches but he's either not taking what he's supposed to take for lunch, or he's eating it before lunch time - they want me to buy school lunches and I don't think those are an improvement and neither do I want to spend that much). I'm a little down again, but not over the edge, and I have to jump back into the grind of work again starting at 8 in the morning for a double shift. I won't have time for a crisis. If this isn't doing it, chances are I'll make it through this winter. Although there is the danger of a cumulative effect if more gets dumped on me or the kids drive me nuts too much.

My self care is bad today. I didn't go to bed until 4 last night, and haven't eaten a meal today. Cutting down on the chocolate too - I'm getting tired of it. Neither did I do my light therapy, or even take my SJW. I alternately under-and over-dosed the SJW throughout December, but have been pretty good about that so far this month, except for today. That, and chocolate, are the only substances I play with. SI is my drug of choice, and sugar I guess.

I really appreciate the support, all of you, and I apologize for being a stinker.

Hey, I've just about made it through my day off. Don't have another one until Wednesday.

Wendy

you ain't no stinker! Sorry your having a rough time. We are all different and I know that I tried all the natural remedies in the world for my depression last spring and it was good OLD prozac that helped. Also taking vits as well. My son made me cook him a meal tonight so that was good. We all ate together. About the seven year old bedwetter. I borrowed an alarm from friends for one of mine that snapped onto their panties and ANY dampness made the alarm go off and the child wake. It worked within a few days. I then loaned it to another friend whose 12 year old with autism had bedwetting and he was great after 10 days. I could find out what it was/is if you like, my friends would still know. Lunches huh? I have resorted to buying small yogurts, baby carrots, applesauce in those horrible little plastic things, string cheese and other easy stuff because I have lazy kids and that is the only way they bring semi-nutritious food. They also put penut butter in a little container and bring rice cakes. Fruit is an easy grab. The other thing is, and I hope I am not overwhelming you cause sometimes I just want to vent and not have someone make suggestions. But anyway, I keep baby wipes in about every room in the house and everyone uses them. Perhaps your son can wash himself up in his room in the morning quickly. I do remember that smell. Good luck. You are a good parent Wendy, I know it.

WW, thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate them. I'm pretty scared - I really feel like I'm slipping. But I'll be ok this weekend since I won't be home.

(((((((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))))))))

I see things are not going so well for you. Good thing you have a break from home I guess, if that's what you want or need. I sure hope things start getting better for you really soon. The 7 year old bedwetter, bless his heart, my daughter is 11 1/2 and still does it. I have no advice, but I think I'll look for one of those things that WW mentioned. It sounds like a good idea.

Take care of yourself (as hard as it is, I know)
Many blessings to you dear and many soothing thoughts sent your way.

Kimberly.