*DELETED*

Post deleted by silver_queen

Maybe you could think of it in terms of how can you release the pain inside you without SI?

emmy

Silver, too late I saw it. Explain the pain to us more. it's okay to tell us details. And you know what? It took me years to learn how to talk and describe and I was older then you. You are a great person and you are my friend and I would really like you to tell me and us about the pain. Pain I can understand too well. Silver, I am here. Yes, many many miles away but I am here and so are many others. Please hang in and talk to us. Hey Silver? It does get better, honest.

(((((((((Silver))))))))))

I didn't see your original post, but I think I'm the queen of causing myself pain without SI. I sabotage myself emotionally. It's much worse than SI, and I don't recommend it.

Wishing you well,
Rap

But i don't know how to do that, sry.

wise, thanks for your kindness. But, there is nothing specific, nothing I can pinpoint to and say, 'oh yeah that is causing me to SI'. all i know is, i want to hurt myself and i am enjoying doing it... and i would like to beat myself up or something, to cause me a lot of pain. idk why i am writing this...sry.

Thanks for your words of encourahement, wise.

Thanks for replying Rap. I'm sorry you cause yourself such emotional pain. I was thinking of ways of physical pain, but thanks for warning me.

yah i dont know i should jhave reason for feeling this way right? i mean i hsould have an idea what is going on beghind this i sholul;d know what to stop[ anfd how to stop itl ni shouldnt be geting drunk or whatver, why cant i cope with this naturally? alcolhol is just drugs after all. man i will be ending up alcoholic lol if not carefu;l. idk i dont know how to cope with how i am feeling. it makes me feel high cutting anf drinking, nakes me feel happy like i am cycling fast and getting hight from that, but no am geting it just from alcohol and cutting, how bad eh and i dont feel liked i am wiriting this dso maybe iu am not

((((((((((((((((silver)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks ((((((((((ktp))))))))))

Ok, so basically the other night when I was drunk, I was saying that I have no reason to want to SI. Other than depression, but my depression isn't that bad. Or at least it doesn't affect my emotions *that* much. But my mood is constantly low anyway, and the only way I feel really good is why I get drunk. Though not the day after lol. Either that, or doing something active like going out cycling. Running doesn't make me feel high. But basically I am SI-ing because I want to cause myself physical pain, I know that sounds stupid but I don't have a better reason. I'm not doing it to release emotional pain or to stop feeling numb or anything like that. Just to cause myself pain. Wow that sounds so moronic. There are lots of people around who live in constant pain and here I am causing it to myself?

So... I am feeling constantly low, and really I don't know how I am meant to live with it all the time. I'm fed up of it. But I don't want to take meds either. I write down how I feel in my journal, but that doesn;t help. I can't concentrate properly on reading or listening to music, it doesn't hold my attention. I don't feel like watching any of my films.

And also... I have some exams in a couple of weeks, I have to revise for them... and i have to do a few assignments in that time as well. Wish me success guys lol. I dont know, I am not really coping properly here any more. And I dont even feel stressed or anything.

You might not know what it is, but there is some reason why you want to cause yourself pain. Maybe you want to be in control of the pain, because if you don't have control, pain of some kind would be too much for you. You say that you aren't all that depressed, but that you are constantly low. I wonder if you are using SI and alcohol in order to keep the low mood from being worse. I'm not a big fan of meds, but constantly feeling low sounds to me like dysthymic disorder, which is the kind of depression that isn't necessarily really severe but it is persistant. I've had it for years and years, and it's miserable, and it just gets tiring. Lots of things can contribute to it - genetics, lifestyle, stuff from your past that hurt you. But it doesn't have to always be that way. Meds might be worth it if they can help you not to feel low constantly. Or you could try something like St. John's Wort, which is what I'm doing. I like SJW because I don't have any side effects, and I can control it, and could stop if I wanted to without withdrawal effects (except that I do relapse if I stop taking it). It isn't a complete cure, but it makes a big difference.

There is a reason for all of this, and you don't have to just live with it. It can change.

Thanks Rap for your answer. You raised some good points in it. However, I don't believe I have dysthymia: I was dxed with major depression early last year and I don't think it was ever completely resolved, since it got worse again when I started university.

Thanks for replying.

Also, as I write this I have been up on chat all night to distract myself from SI. I know that if I stop being on chat and get ready for bed, I will probably do it, and I have been pretty much tempted all night. It's just past 6am as I write this. I don't even know why i am bothereing resisting so much, since I know I will do it tomorrow anyway. Today that is. Heck I am even going up into town tomorrow to buy wound care stuff since I have hardly anything. It is so stupid. And I ended up eating a load of chocolate earlier and I had a lot to eat before that. I am just stuffing my face recently . It makes me feel guilty and I will just end up a fat ******.

I don't know what to say other than I wish you wouldn't but respect if this is what you need to do.

I don't think you are a heavyset beast (my rephrase ) and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

You are trying to change using this coping mechanism, correct? If so from everything I've read on SI (and that isn't all that much) says that it takes time to replace out the behaviour and learn what is underneath it.

I believe you can get through this. If I can handle this current s*itball that life has thrown me then I hope that you can find ways to keep distracting yourself from SI.

Kindly and with hope for you,

Silver,

I hope you managed to resist. (((((((((((silver)))))))))) if you want them!

Take care, i'll probably be online later if you need to talk!

Claire

Oh Silver my dear friend. I wish You could feel me pull you onto the couch with me and sit close and tell you all of the wonderful things about you and that you are precious and don't deserve to hurt. You are good and kind and loving and oh so smart and sensitive with great intuition and you are supportive. Feel me tugging on you, we are wrapped in the afghan and the doggies are in our laps. Then we watch a funny movie and almost pee from laughing so hard. That's what I wish you could feel. Not the other stuff.

I didn't see your post but I hope everything is ok *hugs*