[gothham]

Really struggling right now and have been for past few days. I want to cut soooooo very bad. This may sound pretty strange, but I want to cut so bad that even the thought of doing it excites me in a way. I can almost feel how my being so overwehlmed would diminish. How grounded I could feel - or how I could just "feel" for that matter. It has been about twelve days since I last injured myself and it wasn't by cutting. I am having a lot of anxiety over several life changes and can't seem to get a grip on things. In addition, I have a friend who is also going thru a very rough time and cuts and I'm trying to be supportive of her, but really don't think I am strong enough for myself let alone the both of us.

I was recently hospitalized for fifteen days, have therapy weekly, see my P Doc about every two weeks, and am in a Partial Hospitalization program three days a week. I also have nightly check-ins with my T on M thru F. I have stopped one of my meds Friday night that was just wiping me out. But, I had these urges before the RX halt. I actually physically feel better since stopping the med, but not sure how to tell T or P Doc without getting the self medicating lecture. Only I know how I really feel, right?

Despite all the supports I still want to just do it and feel better in a way that nothing else can do for me. I have tried "coping" strategies but my mind won't let me focus on them as it is elsewhere - that place where only cutting can take me. I'm torn in that I don't want to disapoint my supports but I want what I want more. Does anybody else experience such desires and able to resist them and how or is it best to just accept them and do the enevitable? Please help as my patience is waning. Thanks for listening and for your support.

[phoenix7]

I ask myself the same thing - is it better just to get it over with and deal with the consequences - for me the answer is no - the shame I would feel for letting my T and myself down (not that I count for much) so that would be my T and my sister -letting them down - would outweigh the release of cutting - but I still want to so badly - I know it would ground me - but it will just make it harder next time to resist -

I really hope you find the strength to resist cutting - it is addictive - so its hard to give up - the release it gives to the pain is temporary - the scars both emotionally and physically can be life long - please stay safe - maybe we can beat this together - you me and everyone else here that is struggling - you can do this...

[gothham]

Thank you Phoenix7 for your support. I hope that I can remain safe, but as I said I am really struggling and know it is an addiction for me as it is for so many others. I am around family this weekend, but home alone on Monday and Tuesday and that is when I will battle it the most. Take care everybody.

[nowheretorun]

move beyond struggling and into healing.. in other words, are you boxing yourself in by focusing on this one point, to harm or not harm.. think in terms of healing.. sending good vibes

[gothham]

Nowheretorun - I wish it would be that easy for me. I struggle with wanting to cut so bad to relieve all the anxiety, just to feel something besides the headaches and other disturbing side effects of the depression and other emotional/mental things I'm struggling with. I truly believe that I only try to stay safe for my supports wishes so as not to disappoint them. I know that cutting is not theirs or my desired coping skill. But, it seems to be the only thing that truly works for me. It has been on my mind constantly since Thursday, but due to not being alone I have resisted. I am most certain that come tomorrow I will most likely cave as I will be alone until Wednesday. It scares me how at risk I am going to be as I can hardly wait to get home to be alone within my comfort zone. I doubt that I can resist the urges I've been having. I'm not saying that my mind is made up and I will cut, it's just the stressors that I'll be facing when I get home. I am open to any suggestions. As for healing, I think I'm too far gone for any hope of that. It's been 30+ years and no matter how hard I try not to injure myself or how long between episodes I hit the wall and crash. The relief that come as little as it lasts is soooo welcomed to ground me and let me move forward. Sorry to ramble - I'm just trying to cope as best I can.

[nowheretorun]

hi Gotham, i hope you are feeling somewhat better today and are continuing to avoid the self harming situation, i care and wouldnt want you to hurt more than needed.. that is why self harming is gong beyond treatment.. it is not a treatment, it is somehow viewed as a relief and even if you argue you cant win.. harm is harm...

continue processing your feelings and good for you not harming

But, it seems to be the only thing that truly works for me.

this is an obvious self delusion and many who dont self harm can see the trick you are playing on yourself clearly...

you are coming here and releasing your pain and inner thoughts to us, you are not crazy, just alone... we are here and listening..

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by gothham

I am having a lot of anxiety over several life changes and can't seem to get a grip on things.

In addition, I have a friend who is also going thru a very rough time and cuts and I'm trying to be supportive of her, but really don't think I am strong enough for myself let alone the both of us.

Hi Gotham! Do you want to talk about your stressors?

Originally Posted by gothham

The relief that come as little as it lasts is soooo welcomed to ground me and let me move forward.

Is the relief from SI really moving forward?

[gothham]

Hi Everyone ---Thank you for all your feedback. So far I've managed to stay safe today. I still have a lot of anxiety regarding my health (both mental and physical). I have a doctor app't tomorrow a.m. I've been sleeping most the day trying to get thru it. I did go so far as to getting a blade out and lightly ran across my wrist, but I did not cut (YET). I am getting a "rush" though just thinking about it. I did check-in with T and told her I have been struggling. We talked about alternatives and contracted for safety. I hope I can do just that. You have a point in that coming here and talking helps to know there are others going thru much the same feelings and the support of one another can help. Thank you all.

[nowheretorun]

keep posting Gotham, you're getting it out, you stayed safe today, thats important and im proud of you

you can make it if you continue trying, i have faith in you and your will to get better, it wont be as hard as you think, but it will be hard.. keep trying and never give up... T is a great help

[gothham]

Really rough day today. Walked out on therapist as she wanted me to contract for safety and I would not as I knew I was going to cut. Cut pretty bad in couple places as I have seperation of layer of skin. I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of being sick, people telling me what to and not to do, meds not working and having ****** side effects...I just don't want to deal with it anymore. T called my boyfriend now he's on my *** - don't have access to guns anymore as he changed combination on safe, but I have lots of pills should I decide the time is right. Screw everything. Sorry guys - I just need to unload as I'm so mad right now.

[nowheretorun]

its ok to unload Gotham, please dont self harm anymore, we are listening to you

[Sannah]

, please be safe.............