[InACorner]

The last time i cut myself it was Jan of 08 (yey to me). Since Jan 08, I met an amazing man, got married and became pregnant and now have a beautiful 1 month old little boy, the light of my life. My life is happy. Im happy. Before that Jan I had been cutting for 6 years, and at the end I was cutting around 200 times a day. With the help of my husband I have been able to supress my urges, and actually not cut at all, until now. Two days ago I cut again. I dont know why. Im happy, alittle stressed but nothing out of the ordinary. I havent had any of my usual nightmares like before or anything. Im so dissapointed in myself, and so is my husband which makes me feel even worse. Whats even more crazy, is i enjoyed it. It was like dieting for so long and then one day after years of dieting chomping down on the greasiest biggest cheeseburger and drinking a chocolate milkshake. Anyway. Sorry this is long. Im just so dissapointed in myself. Im worried this makes me a bad mother. I make sure being a mother and being a cutter are two seperate things. Like I dont leave my son alone just to cut, I can hold him the way I always do, I dont neglect him. Its just, what does this say about me? What would he think of me? Would he love me any less? This alone makes me want to cut more. The idea that Im failing at being a good role model for my son, a good "normal" wife for my husband. Its like a domino affect. Thanks for listening.

[MissCharlotte]

((Inny))

You are still the good mother you were before you cut.
Being a new mother is an extremely stressful situation so resorting to old ways of coping would make sense. Maybe you could join a mother's group or a play group? Also, did you have a T to work with? You need some support, because parenting is a really hard job. I bet you are a GREAT mom!

Congratulations on the birth of your son.

Be well. Take care.

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by InACorner

The idea that Im failing at being a good role model for my son, a good "normal" wife for my husband.

That quote struck me as interesting for some reason. Maybe I'm completely off track and I know that "cutting" is more about self hatred but for me it is also about being perfect and doing things right. When I haven't been able to in the past, whether it be at work or in social situations I find myself wanting to cut purge. Those are my vices.

Sounds like you had a lot of changes happen at once and congrats!!! on everything that has happened but it also sounds like you went to some extremes. I'm not a therapist but maybe the urges took a back seat for a while and now they are "louder" than before due to the fact that they were never really gone.

I know this may sound like very cliche questions but have you ever seen a therapist or other professional for help with the cutting? Do you think that you could now? I'm sure you could bring your son with you if that is a problem leaving him alone. It might be helpful to get some outside support while you are dealing with all of this. I know you said your husband helped but maybe like many of us you need more than that. It's great that you have the support but at least for me there is more to it than that and my therapist has helped. She also told me that cutting may happen again so I should not beat myself up over it.

As far as you son thinking any less of you, he just needs to feel loved and secure. He needs to know that his needs are being met and that he is cared for. I also think that you have a huge opportunity right now if you decide to get some help. Cutting might feel good right now, it's a physical reaction but you also know from experience that it can get out of control and that could be dangerous.

Take care of yourself and keep us posted...

[InACorner]

Thanks to both of you. Yes, when i was cutting 200 times a day i did see a therapist for a couple days but he let me go. He told me I needed more extreme help than he could give me and left it at that. Im not cutting anywhere near that amount but it does worry me that I might go back to that extreme. At the moment I dont have the time or the money for a therapist even though I could definitely take my son with me but if I did go to a therapist Id be concentrating more on him than getting better. I do use cutting for a multiude of things. Punishment, relief, self hatred and then when I do cut it relieves me however brings on more self hatred and more dissapointment and then i cut again and it comes full circle. Your right, I do need more than my husband can give, and more help than just me trying not to do it. Your also right about the urges always being there and taking a backseat. I try to just keep that on the backburner and not let it take control but it seems it doesnt want the backburner anymore. Thank you for the support. It means alot to me.
((((Misscharlotte))))
((((DoggyBonz))))

[DoggyBonz]

Just wanted you to once again know that you are not alone in your feelings. I don't know where you live but in a lot of places there are support groups and maybe if you decide you could look into it in your area. Some are 12 step oriented but others are not and even some therapists have them at a much lower cost - insurance might cover them.

Without sounding too preachy there are 2 other suggestions that my therapist gave me to help me with my process and when you used the word punishment it struck a chord. The first is a book by Cheri Huber called - "There is nothing wrong with you", it's a very easy to read book that is quite impactful. In this book she talks about the self hatred, need to punish yourself and negative thoughts that lead to being in a no win cycle. The other is anything by Pema Chrodren. She has CD's and books and they have been really helpful for me to learn to realize that I have feelings and then not act on them when they arise.

Again, you are an inspiration in what can change in a year plus and about reducing the cutting.