[Zenobia]

I know that when I see my family I suffer from depression a day or two after I get back. I thought this time I was all prepared to deal with it. I had thought of a variety of activities to give me comfort as I work through the sadness. Unfortunately fate is not co-operating with me. Everything I try doesn't work out. It started first thing this morning when I got ready for the day. I found that my make-up had melted in the car on the way home and I couldn't find my hairbrush. Then I decided to get on here to be with all of you and the computer wouldn't load the site. Then I thought, ok, I will clean the cat litter box because the house was smelling funky. I was out of litter. So I decide to go to the store. I look for my sandles but can only find one of them. I get my old icky sandles on, go to the store and buy tons of cleaning stuff so that I can clean my anxiety out. I even splurged and got myself a pair of rubber gloves. I get home, start scrubbing the basement floor to get the cat smell out but when I go outside to turn on the facett so I can rinse the floor down (it is cement and we have a sump pump so I can just use the garden hose) I rip my new gloves on the rose bush. My hubby and I go to the garage to pick up my van. They had told us that they couldn't find anything wrong with it when we called from my parents house. When we pick it up she has a list of things that need to be done to the van. Why the hell did we drop it off? I had my appointment with my Pdoc. He is half an hour late, when I tell him about my moodswings of late he asks if I want to try a mood stablizer. No. I run by work to pick up my paycheck and they are not done. I go to group and don't have any money to kick into the kitty and the leader talks about the report President Bush's mental health research committee put out and it reminded me of how I am all out of insurance and can't get the help I need which made me miss my T and feel even more miserable. So I go to the grocery store to get dinner and a new pair of gloves and I have to wait 30 minutes in line at the checkout counter freezing my butt off because I am in a tank top and shorts and their airconditioner was up way to high. Sigh.

OK so this was one long ***** session but man all I want to do is make myself feel better and everything I do just isn't cutting it which of course makes me want to cut and suicidal thoughts have been running through my head every so often which doesn't cheer me up in the least. So what do I do?
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Rapunzel]

If you're still, on, go chat. I'm about to sign off, but we were having lots of fun. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[mj14]

Zen,

I'm not quite sure to say to help...sometimes days just seem to go that way. But try to remember that it's just one bad day, and things will get better...and giving into the bad thoughts you are having will not help anything.

Sometimes, when I have days like that where it seems like everything I do doesn't work, it finally gets to the point where it's kinda funny...like, what are the odds that all these things could go wrong at once? For instance, one time my girlfriend and I set out to meet some friends in Harrisburg, but she had forgotten her driver's license, so we went back to her house, but it wasn't there, it was at another friend's, so we had to go there, only we took the wrong road, then when we finally got there and got her license, and started heading back toward Harrisburg, but took a wrong road *again* and ended up in Delaware! For awhile we were mad, but then it just got so ridiculous, we couldn't stop laughing. I know it's hard to see humor when you are feeling down, but it's better to laugh than to cry.

Well, I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

*hugs*
mj

Zen,

I am so sorry everything just went wrong all at once. It is very frustrating and discouraging when that happens. It will get better.

[Peanut61]

Fortunately, Carrie, when you wake up tomorrow, this yukky day will be behind you! Wishing you a MUCH better tomorrow!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

[Zenobia]

Thanks everyone. I still feel awful but thanks to MJ in chat I am feeling much better. The suicidal thoughts have subsided. I don't understand why I was having them. I wasn't exactly depressed. I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is that this time I knew that things would get better. I knew that it only takes a little time for the sun to shine again but I still was getting the flashes of my death. Why is that? I can understand why I had them before. I had no hope. No concept that the pain would ever stop or had ever not been. I can understand wanting to die when one doesn't have any hope. But this is nuts. I know things are not as bad as they seem. I know that eventually I will pull myself out of it so why would I think thoughts like those? Before getting into the chat room I was at a point where I was seriously considering going to the emergency room. I was getting pictures of me putting my hand into the food processor for goodness sake. It is nuts. Totally nuts. Are they left over flashes from before, you know, like flashbacks? Or am I still hopeless dispite the knowlege that things will and do get better for me with a few hours time?
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Moonsilk]

I don't think you are hopeless. We all have our bad days, and we all learn different ways of coping with them. Sometimes, when I am feeling hopeless, or wondering what the point of it all is, I will take a moment and concentrate on the positive aspects of my life.

For me, I find that thinking of my husband and my children centers me. I imagine what they would do without me; how they would react, or survive, if I were gone. Even if I don't appreciate myself, or love myself, or feel I have anything to offer the world, I know that they love me, and despite my own inner fears, their love is very real, and very important.

It gives me a sense of purpose when there is no other.

I have discovered that no matter what, there can be something meaningful for everyone, even me - and even if it's just one thing; as simple as a blade of grass, or as complex as a relationship with someone you love. Despite what you are feeling, you have value and purpose, and would be greatly missed if you were no longer present.

I hope that doesn't sound trite, and helps you.

Please do take care.

[Zenobia]

Thinking of my kids and my husband at times like these makes me feel trapped. If I didn't have them I could do anything even kill myself or move to a new place where ever I wanted to go. This makes me even sadder. What I find that motivates me most is to think of myself. It isn't fair that the things that were done to me has made me the way I am. It isn't fair and it isn't right for me to continue doing these things to myself. It makes me angry that I feel the way I do. I wouldn't allow these things to be done to the people I love so why do I allow them to be done to myself by myself? I don't try to get better for my kids or my husband because they can go on without me. I know this. I know it would be hard on them but they would survive. I do my best to get better for myself because I deserved more growing up and I deserve more now. I can't survive without myself. I know this all sounds so very self-centered and I suppose it is. But all these years I have done everything for everyone else. Tried to make them happy. Tried to be what they wanted me to be or not to be. Where did it get me? I live in a body that is empty at the core, with blackness swirling around and emotional pain that crushes my being. I have no identity because in doing for them I never found out who I am. Now I want to know who I am. I want to know why I do the things I do and how I can change those things. I want to be a person, a whole person, seperate and individual. I want to be a whole person so that someday when I do die I will be able to offer my being up to God and know that my being is mine to give and mine to share, not because they want me too but because I want too. I want someday to be able to say I am me and you are you and we are seperate so we can truly love one another as we were meant to. In doing this for me I will be doing it for the ones I care for because they will recieve love given not in fear for what might be but in courage of what is. Perhaps I am further along then I thought. Or perhaps spending an hour applying henna is healing to the soul because it connects me to the millions of women of the past, present and future who have done the same in hope for what is and will be. And yes, I am feeling quite a bit better.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Moonsilk]

I am happy to hear you are feeling better, for whatever reason! ^^ It's a good thing, and I hope you continue to feel better. As well, the very best reason to feel better is to feel better for yourself. I don't think it's at all self-centered. I think it's very empowering. ^^

One day, I am hoping that it will be me who keeps me centered, and not thoughts of other people and their suffering were I not around. Someday, I believe I will - when I'm ready.

I enjoy your honest words, Zenobia, and it helps me to better understand myself by reading them. I believe there comes a time when you have to do for yourself, and it's not selfish, or self-centered, it's simply taking care of your most important asset - you.

Hope that makes sense.

Do take care. ^^

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

I need to learn the same concept myself, but it isn't selfish to put your healing and well-being and happiness first. You know how they tell you in the safety instructions when you ride on an airplane to put on your own air mask first? If you don't get your air mask on and make sure that you can function, then you can't be any good to anybody else, no matter how much you want to be. If you can't be happy and love yourself, you can't make anyone else happy or love them. I totally relate to feeling trapped. There are things you can't do when you have a family, and I have a lot of the same thoughts that you have expressed. I guess we just need to find a way to do the things that would make us happy, or at least find a compromise.
I'm so glad that you are feeling better.
-Wendy

[Zenobia]

Thanks everyone for helping me through this tough spot. I have had a full night's sleep and now am at work. My mind is calm and peaceful. From this place of being it is hard for me to understand how I could get to the place that I was yesterday. The two states are so different from one another. I want to find out what causes this.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Peanut61]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}!! YAY!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>