Am I Gay? Straight? Or Something Else?

I'm at a stage of my life where I'm not sure what I really am. I'm 18, and frankly rather confused. I've had a super-charged sexual interest in everything since a young age. When I was very young, I would play games with one male friend I had in which we would suck on each others penises. I would later move and do this with another boy while in grade 3. Around this time i had my first encounter with a girl when, in grade 3, an 18 year old made out with me and let me fondle her breasts and pelvic area (I didn't really know what I was doing clearly). After that I would receive oral sex from a step-sister and often make up and have pretend sex (genital rubbing) with her. I had found myself craving sexual attention from these encounters and would eventually begin to have my cousin preform oral sex on me when I was young. I grew out of this but around grade 7 I had another sexual encounter with another man but was not able to reach orgasm yet. I resumed actions with my cousins and he made me cum through oral often. I eventually began relationships with girls and attributed by past encounters to just wanting pleasure. I'm now in a 2 year committed relationship but enjoy gay porn and often have gay fantasies. More and more lately I have been wishing for a gay encounter so I can preform oral sex on a man until ejaculation. My girlfriend and I are very in love but these feelings confuse me. A little help?

You are not screwed. God is bisexual. Peace, Allen

Hmm... Well I had similiar situations growing up though not with a cousin. I always wanted to "play" with my male friends and then in junior high and high school had girlfriends that I would never touch. If you are attracted to the girlfriend and love her, than I would say that it is a problem you need to address. Like alcohol, sex can be a drug and since you are young you probably have a lot of hormonal issues. Either persue the gay life with men or give it all up and be devoted to the girl. There are many men that fight their same sex attraction despite being married and go through a lot of counseling. I have met them, and in the end that is not for me and I woulkd like to just be gay, with or without sex involved. It is who I have always been and I struggle with it like many others.

I can see where you feel confused. Sexuality and relationships are different. By that I mean that you can have a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, want sexual relations with them but still have a desire to find pleasure with someone of the same gender as yourself.

You talked about past sexual relations with other males and you seemed to express pleasure from them. As we grow up, we look for those things that give us the greatest amount of pleasure. From what you described, your first experience with the opposite gender resulted in confusion because you weren't sure that you were preforming correctly. I'm guessing that you were around 8 at the time.

You were still a little too young to see the outcome as anything that gave you pleasure. She was old enough to know what gave her sexual gratification where you were still trying to figure out exactly what makes you feel good. You found instant gratification with males but (and I can only wonder) with females you didn't. You might have pleasured her but not yourself.

Today, you are in a committed relationship with a female. I hope that I'm not prying to far but feel the need to ask several questions. You only have to answer these to yourself. Have you attempted to have sexual relations with her? And if so, was it pleasurable for you? Do you feel that you are truly looking for an emotional relationship? Or could you be looking for answers to unasked questions that you have about yourself?

You may be looking at gay porn because that is what you have learned over the years to be pleasurable for you. It is normal for you to look at this as a way of self gratification. Male on male sex was something that you did the most and now you want to experience male and female sexual relations without fear. I will say this, there are more males out there that started their sexual lives with other males but will never allow anyone to ever find out.

You are now at that age where you are looking more toward a long term relationship with someone that you can feel comfortable with and can enjoy sex with. You may find that you will slowly turn away from gay to exclusively male and female sexual encounters.

Remember this, we learn from an early age what makes us feel good. As we age, we discover new pleasures that we need to address. You may find later on in life that overpowering feeling that you need to relive early pleasure. It usually comes on us when stress is overpowering.

Look around you and see that sexual confusion isn't in just you. If you are open and honest with your girlfriend, you may find that she may have questioned her sexuality at one time or another. Talk to your cousin about his feelings about sex. Is he strictly gay or does he also got out with women? The biggest thing about a relationship is communications.

Hello SilasGabrael,

Being human does not seem simple (which comes with challenges AND this can feel positive at times too). You have raised some issues that seem to me to be linked to sexual orientation (re: positioning yourself at the heterosexual end, the gay end or somewhere in the middle) and to issues of monogamy / exclusivity. Even people who position themselves in the gay or heterosexual ends (of a sexuality continuum), they have to deal issues of monogamy versus non-monogamy.

You mention that you are on a committed relationship and that your girlfriend and you are very in love; it might be worth unpackingwhat you mean by this by writing more.

Best

Hello again,

after my last message, I came across the messages you left for other people's questions, which shed some more light about your own beliefs about sex (e.g. about sex being meant to be special but also important aspect of an initimate relationship), emotions such as guilt for sex that does not involve your girlfriend, as well as optimism regarding the long term when someone is prepared to invest the energy and potential benefits of professionals when things are too complicated. You also seem to value the benefit of talking openly with one's parter, although we all might understand that at this seems very tricky area (not wanting to distress the other person and unbalance the relationship).

Best wishes

In my experience sexual attraction is a fluid thing for most people. The main thing to remember and think about is: who are you attracted to emotionally and sexually. That may answer you question.

Hmmm. My first thought is "What's wrong with being a 'something else'"? But that might just be me....Ha!

I'm read that plenty of men who certainly consider themselves "hetero" really like oral sex better than the usual definition of sex between a male and a female, if you know what I mean....

I know one man who is happily married, but gets a great deal of pleasure from oral sex from his wife, plus he even likes to suck on her anatomically-correct vibrator! His therapist has said that he did have bad relationships with his mom and dad. I think he is questioning a bit (and HE is in his fifties). Frankly, I think sex ultimately comes down to who we are the most comfortable with. For women it tends to be more of an emotional thing. It might be for you, too, as time goes on. In long-term relationships, friendship tends to override sex as the factor that holds it together.

As other people have said, you are still young--I'm not sure you really need to worry about labeling yourself as yet. I do think it's "easier" to be hetero, even still with all the bias. I would certainly encourage you to give females your best shot. (Ha! I WILL not suggest that I am trying to make a pun!)

Slinking away.....

omg i feel kinda the same way. i really love guys but i realize when i watch porn i like to watch the girls instead of the guys, and girl on girl instead of straight porn. its weird. so i just think to myself, am i gay or bisexual. i dont see myself with a woman but i just dont even know anymore.