[lovelyl]

This is kind of crazy of me to do this since I don't post on any sites. I just kind of had a weird day. I will go on to make a long story long.

I grew up very religious. I grew up in a fundamentalist denomination. I am still very religious and find great comfort in my faith. I am no longer fundamentalist but more so mainline. I grew up with the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex. This is something that I accomplished (barely). My now husband and I met each other at church. I was very smitten with him after knowing each other for sometime, and we began to date. We dated for a long time. I continued to be smitten with him. Our relationship was very physical without having intercourse. We "made out" almost every time we were together. I was very much the driving force in the physical relationship.

We got married soon after high school. We were very excited to have sex! However, it didn't really work out. I am very uptight and I can't seem to enjoy sex. We go long periods (the longest one being about 18 months) without even trying to have sex. Most of the time after trying to have sex, I end up crying and he comforts me.

We have a wonderful marriage. I cannot imagine a better husband. He is so patient with me and spoils me rotten .

I have talked to my Gynecologist about this and she seems to think it is all in my head. I tend to agree with her. I am diabetic which does complicate sex some, but it shouldn't complicate it this much.

Since being married, I have fantasized about famous and exceptionally beautiful women. It isn't an often occurrence but it has happened occasionally (like once every 2 to 3 months). I don't fantasize about "normal" women. Most of the time, the things that trigger that fantasies are overtly sexual (a women with little clothes). I am attracted to handsome men as well. Many of them in "real life."

I have my own guesses about why I have these fantasies, but I would like another opinion.

[Rhapsody]

What you are going through sound very normal to me and the sexual fantasies are probably more about your minds way of trying to find some comfort in being sexual... in liking sex.

On the Spiritual side for YOU:
I would like to say that the marriage bed is undefiled when it is between a man and his wife and you should forever remember that God made you to be joined with your husband in this manner with out fear or quilt.

[Grithnir]

What exactly happens during sex? Are you attracted to him or feel guilt for not being as attracted to him as you once were. Is it just a painful experience? Are you trying to have children?

I don't know what to say about women in magazines and men off the street except that it's OK to appreciate beauty. I don't know if these fantasies are full on and take hours on end to stop them, but I have terrible fantasies too about men in my life, but I am gay so I don't know what to do about it. I have tried the religious aspect of chastity but it's not for me and I am too liberal to associate with fundamental Christians, not to be rude, but they seem like they are on a witch hunt most of the time. I do find things evil or good in society and pray often about my own struggles but I don't know how to achieve complete chastity.

If this is a problem forever in the future, the Catholic church actually approves of complete chastity and you can be nurtured in your faith more to achieve that, if your husband becomes irritated with your sexual life. If it is that painful than I would stop. Are you taking any anti-depressents that cause sexual dysfunction in women? Some of them do cause this even though it is rare.

You will make it through and for now you having a forgiving husband that appreciates you for who you are. Just know that life has changes and can lead you to different places. I tell my parents to divorce all the time, though they are not religious, they get the point that I am tired of them fighting between each other. Jesus said that in the Kingdom of Heaven which comes to Earth slowly advancing it's way from the time of His prophesy that no one will be given in marriage, and sexual lust will be done away with. Many people take this to mean a lot of different things, but to be fundamental about it, there are vocations you could take in churches that would understand that you had trouble with a sexual life with your husband and have chosen chastity as the other alternative. I don't know the solution, it is a tough problem. A therapist can help with what's in your head that causes sex to be so painful. Sometimes for a woman or man, they have to be completely aroused and in the mood for the pain to subside and for it to be enjoyable. Are you a nervous wreck when you try to have a sexual encounter with your husband or are you a willing participant ready to throw his clothes off? Sorry if these are personal questions but one thing I have learned with my therapist is the more I open up about my history with sex the more I understand my problems with intimacy.

[lovelyl]

What happens during sex...
Well, we have foreplay for quite awhile. Then when it is time for actual intercourse I completely tense up, and it is very painfully.

I am still attracted to him. I don't think it is in the same way as I was at some point, but I am still attracted to him.

The fantasies are very quick, not hours on end by any means. And I don't know if they are really fantasies or just thoughts like "Wow, that women has really great (whatever she has something great of)."

I'm not really interested in celibacy. I want to have sex with him so very badly! I just don't want it to hurt!

Honestly, I am pretty liberal in how I view other people (or at least I try to be). My head knows that sex is completely wonderful in marriage, I just need my body to agree!

I would say I'm a nervous wreck when about to have a sexual encounter because I know it is going to hurt, and I would really like for him to have sex. I want him to be happy more than anything, and it makes me sad that I can't give him a fulfilling sex life.

[Rhapsody]

How long have you been having pain during intercourse and have you had it checked out by your doctor? - or is the pain subconscious and due to emotional issues rather than physical?

[Grithnir]

I don't know what to tell you about your response! You want to have sex but can't! It seems terrible, but something I experience because of medications I take. Ugh! And you are probably not on medications though you didn't answer my questions about the anti-depressant. Therapy, internet research are the answers here. There could very well be a forum on the internet with women in your situation, I wouldn't be surprised! Maybe they have some secret hormone, herbal treatment, or something that would help. I don't know.

[lovelyl]

I have been having pain during intercourse for 6 1/2 years, the entire time we have been married. I have talked to two different people about it, a doctor and nurse practitioner. I think the pain is because I am expecting it to be painful, so I tense my body up, making penetration very difficult.

I am not on any anti-depressants. I am on an insulin pump for Type 1 diabetes, and I take Ortho-tricyclen. I didn't take the BC for two years and there was no changes in the pain.

[Rhapsody]

You say you have talked to a doctor and nurse about the pain, but have you ever been examined to help determine the cause of the pain?
- I ask as I did and my doctor found out (via physical exam and vaginal xray scan) that my cervix was tilted and that I have cyst on my ovaries that were bursting during sex - hence the pain with sex.

[Grithnir]

Well relax! I have heard on the radio about some type of fragrance or some type of herbal supplement that makes sex more pleasurable or possibly for you to be more relaxed. I have no idea if it's a scam but there are herbal teas that relax you, and your body, and I think telling the doctor more specifically what is the problem and asking what could correct the problem is a good thing to do. Talk with some professionals and check the internet for resources about painful sex. Maybe have more foreplay and partial penetration with your husband being very careful would relax you. I don't know the answer really, but I bet talking with some type of sex specialist could have answers for you and I am sure there is one somewhere, ask for a referral from the doctor to talk to someone that deals with this.

Best of luck.

Grithnir

[krzyk101]

You stated that you feel it is painful as you expect it to be painful. Perhaps you could see like a sex therapist about sexual intimacy and the ways and exercises to help you with the feelings of expectations of pain before sexual intercourse. I have never been to a sex therapist but it may help. Also, maybe there are some books on the subject. Dr. Ruth Westhiemer wrote a lot of books on sex and sexual issues. Hope things get better and you find and alternative to the current issues.

Take Care,
kk101