[distressed_girl]

Okay..so..I've been really shy and embarrassed about talking about why I'm here, but that's not going to get me anywhere so..here goes..and I probably wont say all of it..if you think you can really help if I talk to you about it, private message me..

So..here's a link that I found defines this topic: http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Sexual-masochism.html

I more into the suffering/humiliation aspect of it and I hate it. It's so embarrassing to talk about, but I'm going to try. I have never done anything of the sort with someone else..I just have such an active imagination I've created an imaginary person who comes and goes and "forces" me into these things, because I don't get off if it's willing..just not the way it works for me. Sometimes, I think I might even enjoy rape, or something of the sort, but only to a sick degree. I know it would be very traumatizing..

This being said, the "events" that happen between me, forced on by this sick person in my head, have caused great distress, even though it brings great physical pleasure. I don't understand the need for it though and I really want the need for it to go away. Isn't sex enough of a physical satisfaction? The urges for this kind of thing occurs more often when I'm sexually active, too. This, I don't understand.

My boyfriend tried tying me up a couple times. It was some of the most intense pleasurable sex we've had, though admittedly, I would usually pretend he was someone who was forcing himself on me -rape- rather than it being my boyfriend, and after a few times of that, I had him stop.

Yes, I have tried coping with my enjoyment from being humiliated/made to suffer and the events (the events which have been going on since I was rather young - too young to even understand this sort of thing. I only knew it was fun and it felt good so, yeah..I didn't know much about sex and I had certainly never even thought about kissing a boy). My coping attempts have always failed, as have my long-term attempts to make the feelings/need go away all together.

At this point, I just really want the need for this to go away. I want the thoughts about it to go away, and I want that damn person in my head to go away. That's what I'm here for. I can no longer the distress (hence the user name), the internal arguments, and the break downs from these "event".

I just want help..I just want it to go away..I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

[distressed_girl]

I guess I just need advice on what to do from here. Do I find some professional to talk to? And how would I go about doing that? I don't know that I could talk to someone in person about this..I'm so embarrassed about even talking about on here where my face, name, and other identification about me is hidden..I really don't know what to do at this point..

[Yoda]

I have had rape fantasies since I was young. I considered asking my boyfriend to tie me up but I am claustrophobic so I was too scared. But the fantasies were fun.

If it is troubling you and you have bad feelings you perhaps should talk to a therapist. I did not find it to bother me so this is the first time I have told anyone about the fantasies.

[distressed_girl]

Originally Posted by Yoda

If it is troubling you and you have bad feelings you perhaps should talk to a therapist. I did not find it to bother me so this is the first time I have told anyone about the fantasies.

I don't know how to find a therapist that could help with this. I've looked on the Kink Aware professionals website, but I can't find where to search for therapist. Plus, I'm in a place that there probably isn't anyone like that under 2 hours from where I live or possibly in my whole state..

[ClarisseThorn]

Originally Posted by distressed_girl

I don't know how to find a therapist that could help with this. I've looked on the Kink Aware professionals website, but I can't find where to search for therapist. Plus, I'm in a place that there probably isn't anyone like that under 2 hours from where I live or possibly in my whole state..

The KAP list is definitely on the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom site. I would link you directly but I can't because this is a new account. However, I guarantee that the list is there. If you live too far from some of them to visit in person, perhaps you can arrange phone appointments?

[ClarisseThorn]

You might also consider buying some of the S&M books available on Amazon -- my favorites are The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book (both of them are by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy). For you, I would particularly recommend the Bottoming book.

[einundzwanzig]

I like "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns- the romantic and sexual sorcery of sadomasochism" it's a good book. Very infomative and essential for BDSM... plus it has pictures lol!!

21

[flawlessimperfectionsmft]

Wow I am so glad I found this post. I feel the exact same way as you.Though the weird thing is I was raped in the past so why would I want such aggression taken out on me now? I don't understand it at all. But you pretty much just spoke my mind. Tell me if you find any other information useful please because it's sick and disturbing what I imagine during masturbation and sex to be able to get off. I wish the thoughts would just go away. I'm sorry that I can't be of much help and give you any information but it's always good to know you aren't alone.

[ringtailcat]

This site lists KAPs around the world. https://www.ncsfreedom.org/

[Anaxamander]

S&M can be completely normal and healthy. You should not feel weird about it. Perceptions of control/lack of control, giving/receiving pain, etc... all comes down to your own personal empowerment. Even if you are acting out fantasies where you seem to have no control, tied-up, etc., you still are. Your partner is engaging in this activity with you. They are doing what YOU want them to do. Many people who like to be dominated like it because it gives them a sense of empowerment that they don't get from more traditional sexual experiences.

The caveat here, though, is that all of these things should be completely consensual. If both partners are down for it and ready to go, then what's the problem! You aren't strange .

Also, "rape" fantasies are quite common. Its not about rape, its about control. There is nothing wrong with exploring these ideas with a consensual partner; however, don't put yourself into any risky situations.

[einundzwanzig]

I agree with the comment above me.. it is about control and yes the masochistic or submisissve (I don't think if you are have to be the other, not all submissive like pain etc) person is the one in control, they determine when the dominant stops or has reached the submissive limits. The dominant has to go by this, thereby the submissive is in the one who is really in charge lol. and yes a sense of empowerment !!

21

[phoenix7]

I think the point here is that distressed girl is not happy wiht the situation and it is upsetting her - agreed what consentual adults do in BDSM and other fetish's is ok as long as no-one gets harmed and both agree (JMO)

distressed girl - im sorry you are having this problem and wanted you to know that a lot of therapists would be able to deal wiht this - i think if you want it to stop you have to find out the reasons why you have wanted this fantasy for so long - there can be many reasons apart from pleasure - one can be to repeat past trauma - or to punish yourself for what you feel you did as a child - but remember this - children rely on adults to protect them and love themteh right way - when that doesnt happen

when the very ones who should be protecting them damage them be teaching them about sex in an innapropriate way - then allsorts of feelings come into play - if you felt pleasure - then there is usually guilt and the need to be punished - is that what your dark stranger is for? and yet you get pleasure from it because that is how you were taught to receive pleasure - i could be way off the mark here......

anyway - i hope you find the help you seek and that you are able to live your life the way you truly want to live it

take care

P7

I wonder if it all leads back to abuse....I swear...this whole subject is something I think alot about and ponder the whys...and psychology of it....it does nothing ...in my contemplation...to disuade the desire though.The desire is there..always...and is the flame that lights me up lol......I am not ashamed...it just is....edited this after you posted OOOOmerzzz....ehh...submissive not submissive....no specific preference...just for petes sake...light a GD fire in my heart lol...(sooo used to being married)...I cant do this alone shizz but I will be alone if I cant get some psychological game in the mix.Takes game to grab my attention lol.Gah I forgot who I was b4 I married ...lol scary.

[Omers]

Hmmm... I see a PM in my future (OT)

I have similar fanticies and enjoy myself more if I am the submissive... Although that is a very long and sorted story...

I am OK with being that way.

I have found that with things like this the harder we push them away the stronger they get. I am not saying to give into them if you are not comfortable but try to let them pass gently without obessing on them.

Finding a therapist who is comfortable talking about these kinds of thing can be difficult, experienced will be more difficult. You may be surprized how many can talk to you about it without judging you. Even if it is annonomosly to give you a referral.

My T is very (as in a 1/2 step away from being a nun) catholic but I know that if I needed her to talk with me about my sexual desires she would, could and would do it without judging. I know one of the other T's in her office building, she too is very religous and would be very comfortable talking to me about it (other than the fact that I seriously have the hots for her and she knows it) although they may make a referal to someone with more experience. I have never worked with a "secular/non-religous" T nor can I think of any off the top of me head and I know several... I can only think of one who would have a hard time with that discussion and she was a useless student in practicum... see other posts for notes on her uselessness.

I don't know if you are in the US or not... If you are I believe the American Psychological Association has a "therapist finder". I don't know the search parameters any more but you should be able to search for a "sex therapist" who would most likely be the most comfortable talking about it or best able to give you a referral.

again... just thoughts.

Omers future<-------PM PM PM

[kittychanel]

I do exactly the same thing. My goodness! I take comfort in it though for some reason. Ihave been fantasizing about these things for YEARS. And written stories about it. Being kidnapped by a group of men or one. Being held hostage..probably forever. I have been thinking of it every morning before I go to sleep. I take meds to sleep, but I take the edge of my fingernail and prick my inner arm and pretend someone else is injecting me with a drug. I have had fantasies of being drugged since I was 15. These things are why I suspect I was abused as a young child. I can't face it, but have suspected it since 15. My triggers are mostly music. I am definitely masochistic, and have even put mysel fin dangerous situations with men..going to their houses alone. And I did get taken advantage of. I don't do that anymore. I guess I'm not alone.