Think I need someone to speak to?(may trigger people...)

Hey guys,

(This was written in the Bipolar section but someone thinks it might be a good idea in this section too... so here it goes)

I am really unsure how to even put this down into words.... I am embarrassed to admit this I am into fetish's. The urges are getting stronger. Sometimes I am really only ever thinking about urges and my fetish.

I have been manic for well seems forever. Tonight the guy who helps with my fetish came over and we did stuff. I have never had sex before and I normally do not think about sex. I think "asexual" may describe who/what I am?????

Anyways all I wanted was sex today. I am house sitting for my Brother and I was meant to have friends over but they cancelled. So I am lonely at the moment. So I texted him and asked if he was free... I didn't think he would respond. But he did and he came over. One thing lead to another and we kinda had sex.... he never cummed in me, his penis was in my vagina.I asked him to stop as it was sore and to be honest I just wasn't enjoying it. So he played with me and I enjoyed that.

I am just really unsure I am all over the place. I am mega happy but yesterday I was crying and feeling abandoned. Tonight I was all loved up!!

The only major problem is the guy has a family and wife! I know this is mega wrong. I know this. I really do!

Hi there....

[quote=Miss Laura;2025240]Hey guys,

(This was written in the Bipolar section but someone thinks it might be a good idea in this section too... so here it goes)

I am really unsure how to even put this down into words.... I am embarrassed to admit this I am into fetish's. The urges are getting stronger. Sometimes I am really only ever thinking about urges and my fetish.

Any triggeres lately?

I have been manic for well seems forever. Tonight the guy who helps with my fetish came over and we did stuff. I have never had sex before and I normally do not think about sex. I think "asexual" may describe who/what I am?????

I feel I can relate a little-after my first two boyfriends and experimenting with a female, I didn't realize it....but I was not even attracted to people for the longest time, and now suddenly boom! I'm finding some males cute and some females cute...it does not happen all the time but I used to be jealous of my bro-he was always pointing out who he thought was hot-I never could; anyway-what I think I relate is the sudden interest.

Anyways all I wanted was sex today.

What was that like for you? You must have been so confused by yourself huh?

asked him to stop as it was sore and to be honest I just wasn't enjoying it. So he played with me and I enjoyed that.

that's good, you were able to communicate your needs;

The only major problem is the guy has a family and wife! I know this is mega wrong. I know this. I really do!

So my guess is that's gona cause you some inner turmoil-is this a pattern? Or have you never been interested in sex before? Just curious because I tend to recreate sex with feelings of being bad because of religous up bringing (well, the way I was brought up) so doing things like sex before marriage, "deviant sexual practices" like oral, and having relations with my same sex are all ways I pull to recreate the guilt....so anyway wondering what your associations are with sex in general...negitive or positive?

Hope you are able to enjoy this new found happiness-I do suggest finding someone to do things with that will not cause you dilema later-it would such to develop a negitive association due to that;

Take care,
-obj

Hey Obj,

I haven't noticed any triggers at all.... maybe I just don't know I am being triggered? Confused majorly.

The feeling of wanting sex has been so strong today and in particular tonight. I was confused full stop. I just didn't get why I wanted to have sex all the time. I don't know even now why I wanted to have sex with him. Or why I texted him and why I am sooo excited and happy.

To me its nothing to do with religon... I am not very religious. Its more OCD as I have a thing about germs etc so bodily touch/sexually being touched I freak out with. I don't even like being hugged by family and friends.

I guess I am just really needing people to tell me if I am going mad or not

Can you keep a journal... write down through out the day your thoughts right at that moment? Maybe a little notepad to keep in your pocket? That might help find any triggers that might be flaring you.

No, you don't need the extra stress, nor the guilt of being with someone who is married. That's a mess waiting to be exposed and you need to protect yourself from that.

Do you have a therapist, or even an MD who can help you? I think you do need to find someone who is a professional and maybe you can counter what is taking your attention from enjoying life.

Thanks JD,

I journal at night but I think your idea is a good one.

I am not due to see my CPN until Tuesday and I am seeing my Psych at end of month.

I am stressing about everything at the moment. I had a fight with my Mum about money and my Medical next Wednesday. I was slightly agitated going to Tai Chi today. My first class on my own usually my Support Worker comes with me. Took a slight anxiety attack on bus going.

Was up all night had 3 hours sleep. Felt amazing to begin with now I feel hungover... got a stinker of a head ache. Feel really unsure and kinda like "what do I do?" I am scared to tell people in RL what I have done and what I have been feeling.

My folks don't need my s@@@ as they are struggling my Mum has just been rejected for 2 jobs and she is getting lower and lower now. I just can't upset anyone anymore I have caused too much pain in my family

I know I am ashamed of my fetish thoughts/desires part of me thinks the shame is part of the apeal of them.

This is the only part that bothers me. Call me old-fashioned, but I think marriage is important.

Hey CantExplain,

I haven't seen him since that day. I feel really guilty and such a fool. He has been deleted from my phone and email since 18th October. I hope I am never in this situation again

Someone was bound to get hurt. I'm sorry it turned out to be you.