[aveda12]

I've never liked giving oral sex. The first time I learned people go down on each other, I couldn't help but wonder why. In high school, I had a verbally abusive bf who had me give him oral and then he gave me oral. I'm pretty sure I'm over this and that I don't like oral sex because it's just not for me.

I've been with my current bf for 3 years. He likes to give and receive. After telling him to slow down when he would give, I was actually okay enough to enjoy it but I think it's unnecessary. I give and receive just because he likes to do both. This has been an issue for over a year, the fact that I do it just for him. He tells me he can go without receiving and I feel relieved, but then he asks for it again later.

I know he can't make me like it. I don't think my views are going to change but I hate worrying whether or not he's going to ask to give/receive oral, or if I should just get it over with everytime we start to get intimate. He's more adventurous in sex than I am and I've led a sheltered life so things just shock me.

I'm also pretty sure he's over the fact that I don't care for orgasms. It used to bug me after everytime we had sex that he would ask if I had one or how was it. I've NEVER felt our sex was was bad or boring. I'm happy and I'm simple, I don't need much to get by. I always tell him how much I ejoy it but he has low self-esteem/depression. I just wish we wouldn't have to keep talking about why I don't like it, what it means to him. I want us to accept how we each feel about it, but that doesn't solve if oral should still be part of our relationship. What are we supposed to do?

I know we're not supposed to take sides, see things right/wrong, your way/my way. I don't know what else to do.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by aveda12

I know we're not supposed to take sides, see things right/wrong, your way/my way. I don't know what else to do.

Sex between consenting parties is inevitably something of a compromise. There are essential three possible attitudes to any sexual act:
* Yes, I like it.
* I don't care for it, but I'll do it if you want me to.
* No way.

It's up to you and BF to work out what you do together and to decide if that's enough to satisfy you both.

[likewater]

Aveda: a lot of times if you dont care about orgasms, it is because of the loss of control. They are difficult for me. A lot of things are
difficult for me so my bfriend and i are taking a break from sex right now. I'm not saying that's the right choice for you, but for me, it makes me feel very loved, valued, safe, and respected. He likes me for me. Just me. Not what i can give him in bed.

Whether or not you like oral has nothing to do with your bfriends performance. There are books out there about sexual healing. They
suggest relearning sexual touch without focusing on performance or expectations. Also do you have a T ? I suggest talking to your T
about this.

[aveda12]

[quote=likewater;2123581]Aveda: a lot of times if you dont care about orgasms, it is because of the loss of control.

So the first time my bf asked if I had an orgasm, it made me wonder how I was supposed to know if I have nothing to relate it to? How am I supposed to know whether or not I have had one? Like I wrote before, I've never had complaints about our sex. Sometimes it's better than other times, which is probably normal, I just don't see what all the fuss with orgasms is. As a result, I'm not hoping for them.

I do recall having two incidences of out of body experiences during sex. I can only describe them as out of body experiences because I imagine that's what people are referring to when they have them. It freaked me out because I felt like I was floating away and there was nothing I could do to stop it, even though I was physically holding onto my bf at the time and I knew that my body was not physically moving. I did not like it one bit and if that's what an orgasm is then I really don't want it. What are referring to by "loss of control"?

Also, I don't feel like taking the time to "work" on myself to figure out how I can orgasm. I just can't do it without being grossed out. It's not for me.

[likewater]

Sounds like you were out of your body which is extreme dissociation. You may not have had an orgasm before. You may not have allowed your body to feel one. You kind of have to surrender to an orgasm and allow your body/ mind to go down that path. It sounds like you arent ready, and no one should push you. When you are really relaxed and with the right ( ahem ) stimulation, an
orgasm will happen naturally. In my opinion, the easiest way to have one is with a vibrator , and clitoral stimulation. There are books
On it. But the hardest way to orgasm or enjoy sex is when you feel a lot of pressure to perform or orgasm. You can start slow just by relearning touch etc. There are books like the sexual healing journey, and sexual healing, that can be helpful.

[aveda12]

[quote=likewater;2133267]In my opinion, the easiest way to have one is with a vibrator , and clitoral stimulation.

I don't even like the idea of sticking anything in me that isn't my bf's you know. He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable enough to be with like that. I really think I don't want to orgasm though. I'm happy with the way things are and the thought of losing control makes me uncomfortable.

My bf isn't so bothered by the fact that I feel this way about orgasms anymore. He's realized that he's more open minded when it comes to sex than I am, but he's bugged by the fact that I don't suggest we try different or new things in bed. I don't see the need for it and I'd rather not look things up because they are likely to shock me or make me uncomfortable. He thinks that me looking things up on my own will help me to not feel so uncomfortable and I'll eventually get used to not being shocked. I don't like feeling uncomfortable though so I'd rather not.

I've wondered if we're sexually incompatible before. I really like him though and I don't want to bother trying to be with anyone else. I figure no one else will be as patient with me. I've never felt as comfortable with anyone else as i have with him and Ive confided in him like I'd never thought I'd confide in anyone.

[likewater]

If you dont want to orgasm that's ok. I'm glad your boyfriend is patient. If he weren' t, i'd say kick him to the curb. I didn't orgasm for long time and right now , i'm breaking from sex. But just fyi to have orgasm must people don' t stick vibrator in them to orgasm. In fact you can buy a "ladybug" that isn' t shamed like a man' s you know, and it just goes on the clitoris. The main thing, is just do what makes you feel comfortable and what you want.

aveda, if you want to get more comfortable with giving oral sex, just remember everything's better with chocolate on it.

[Aslan]

dont forget about cancer in the mouth from going down.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Aslan

dont forget about cancer in the mouth from going down.

how often does that have to happen, for that to happen?!

[Aslan]

hpv virus. happens if you meet the wrong women. interaction between fluids.
google it.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

aveda, if you want to get more comfortable with giving oral sex, just remember everything's better with chocolate on it.

Andes mints

[unaluna]

make that flavored condoms - everybody's got cooties. thanks for the info, aslan, I did look it up. it said female cervical cancer rates due to hpv are dropping, but men's oral are rising, so use barriers.

[Typo]

There are cases were if your bf carried the hpv virus and you were to perform oral studies have shown it can lead to throat or mouth cancers later in life. It's a recent discovery but don't let it scare you. If you know your partner is clean then there is nothing to worry about. If it worries you and neither of you have been tested for stds then have stds test provided by your doctor or gynocologist. As for oral, some people just don't enjoy giving or reciving or both of those and that is okay. Talk to your bf about this and your sex life. If he is a good partner he won't push you and will understand your boundaries. Take things as you feel comforatable. Sometimes we have to be comfortable with ourselves, our own body, and our sexuality before we can be okay to fully share those things with our partner. It took me a long time to be comfortable with those things and once I was I had an easier time with sex. Wishing you the best.

[lynn P.]

I wonder if someone did a poll of "do you honestly enjoy giving oral sex"...what would be the results. I think porn glamorizes it - making it appear like women are ravenous for it. How many are pressured to do it. Another thing that bugs the heck out of me, is how they make it appear, ejecting bodily fluids on the face is something women want.

[objtrbit]

Hi there Aveda12,

I've been with my current bf for 3 years. He likes to give and receive. After telling him to slow down when he would give, I was actually okay enough to enjoy it but I think it's unnecessary. I give and receive just because he likes to do both. This has been an issue for over a year, the fact that I do it just for him. He tells me he can go without receiving and I feel relieved, but then he asks for it again later.

hmm....I'm thinkin sex is a holy thing...not in the religous sense, but in the sense that its not just something you do and thats it; I don't think you should have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I'm in a lesbian relationship-I get anxiety when my partner goes down on me. And she doesn't like insertion. I think stuff like this needs to be respected. My partner really likes to go down on me, but because I expresed my dislike of it, she wouldn't. That really, really, helped me bond and trust with her. I think if you are forcing yourself to do something you don't want to, it will build resentment over time.

I wanted to mention to that I think it is awesome that you are even able to bring up what you like and don't like-sometimes this can be such a hard step if you have experienced abuse.

I know he can't make me like it. I don't think my views are going to change but I hate worrying whether or not he's going to ask to give/receive oral, or if I should just get it over with everytime we start to get intimate.

That is sooooo wrong yo! This relationship sounds abusive, actually. Sex is suposed to bring you closer, not make you worry. There are some things I wish I could do with my partner. She doesn't want me to though. So I don't- because I want her to have fun when we are intimate.

He's more adventurous in sex than I am and I've led a sheltered life so things just shock me.

I came from a really religous household, and am still dealing with guilt with sex and alla that-point is, my partner doesn't make me do anything I am not ready for. You have a right to take things at your own pace. It really sounds like your bf has his own motivations?

I'm also pretty sure he's over the fact that I don't care for orgasms. It used to bug me after everytime we had sex that he would ask if I had one or how was it. I've NEVER felt our sex was was bad or boring. I'm happy and I'm simple, I don't need much to get by. I always tell him how much I ejoy it but he has low self-esteem/depression. I just wish we wouldn't have to keep talking about why I don't like it, what it means to him. I want us to accept how we each feel about it, but that doesn't solve if oral should still be part of our relationship. What are we supposed to do?

Are you worried that if you don't go along with him that he will break up with you?

I know we're not supposed to take sides, see things right/wrong, your way/my way. I don't know what else to do.[/quote]

I try not to give advice, just ask questions, but in this case I'm feeling a strong urgency to make sure that I mention that if you are doing something sexually that you don't want to do, then you're bf isnt listening to you-I'm thinkin that this will cause some deep severs in your relationship. Sure we want to make our significant other happy, but if we do it at the cost of ourselves, then the relationship becomes a one-way street. If you don't want it, it shouldn't happen.

I'm sorry that your bf doesn't respect you, it can be so hard to hold boundries too. You really don't have to do anything you don't want to do-if you have been abused in the past, it can be really difficult to be able to say no though.

"I've wondered if we're sexually incompatible before. I really like him though and I don't want to bother trying to be with anyone else. I figure no one else will be as patient with me. I've never felt as comfortable with anyone else as i have with him and Ive confided in him like I'd never thought I'd confide in anyone."

omg yo! Your boyfriend is NOT patient! Patience is not saying its okay that you don't want to give, then asking for it later. Patience is not digging constanly about orgasming, when you are just enjoying it in general... patience is also not just letting him give you oral or you giving it to him just to "get it over with".

"I figure no one else will be as patient with me."

o0. Dude he is bare minimum and empty promises of respecting you! Oye I'm sorry, this is likely a lot to digest...but holy crap you deserve someone who will listen. I hope you keep talking about this-I feel you could get to a point where you will be able to demand so much more for yourself...its a process though. Have you ever been to counseling? The outer body experience, as someone mentioned earlier, is dissociation....not good yo. You are not enjoying it if your mind has to escape the body..its also an SA symptom;

I really hope either your bf starts listening to you, or you are able to find someone that will-SA can make you self-savotage a lot...just simply not good at all-I feel your bf is recreating the abuse by not respecting your preferences.

oye, I'm sorry if any of this overwhelmed you-was a lot.

Take care,
-obj