[hamster-bamster]

I have not read this forum a lot. I have an issue I want to discuss with people here, but the discussion would involve disclosing a really bad trait that I have. No, it is not some weird but innocuous fetish - it is something that would be considered immoral in any culture, especially the modern privacy-based culture. Just something that is really reprehensible. But I do not want to mend my ways - I do not want to exercise will power and self-control, but rather hope that eventually this immoral pursuit will become boring to me and I will stop, or, even more realistically, that technical issues will eventually prevent me from indulging.

So will I cause an uproar if I disclose or will you be lenient? I need to add that I have been through a thorough neuropsychological evaluation which yielded many dx's, including "antisocial traits". Not a full-blown ASD, but traits. I think this particular thing falls squarely within "antisocial traits", because I do not get disgusted with myself at all. I am also cold and unemotional about it.

So... should I go ahead? Also, it would be a very long story - do people on this forum read long posts?

[Big Mama]

Hampster, what ever you have on your mind we can handle it. We are all judged here so judging others is not something we do alot of here. If someone doesn't like what you have to say then it is up to them to stop reading and walk away. This forum is certinly not for the faint of heart. I think anyone posting here or reading here understand that. Things of a sexual nature are difficult to understand and what we "Like" is our own prefrence. That being said I think folks are understanding to that. As long as it is not illigal or involving children. Best of luck with this.

[hamster-bamster]

Great. So let me fess up and then open a new topic with the issue itself.

I read my lover's email. This is a violation of his privacy and a no-no by any cultural norm. I know good from bad, but it does not deter me. My behavior does not even disgust me. Do not get the impression that I am an altogether depraved person. I am not. For instance, I have adopted an adult kitty whom no one wanted to adopt because she has feline immunodeficiency virus. I feed her the healthiest, most expensive cat food so that she can live long. When I walk, I make an effort not to step on bugs in order to prolong their lives. So I am definitely not your typical antisocial personality disorder type that starts with cruelty towards animals - I am the opposite. Yet, I read my lover's email.

It was just opportunistic. He visited me and he did not have his computer with him. He logged on from mine and did not log off. I have his email client open in my Firefox. I checked the password manager of Firefox and no, it didn't remember his password - so I do not know it - but his email client does not time out logged in sessions.

I think that installing Firefox updates may trigger logging out, so for the time being I plan not to update my Firefox and in case it starts misbehaving, to use Safari or Chrome instead, keeping the Firefox window with his email open. Eventually, I am sure, some technical issue will log me out and I will stop, but I have no intention to log myself out for now, because in this particular regard I am a cold, depraved person without consciousness. Anti-social. Also, when I visit him in the winter, I will either take my work laptop with me or no computer at all, using the Android for internet access, or just taking an offline vacation altogether - in any event, he won't know. Maybe with time I will get a wake-up call from my consciousness and log out myself, celebrating a victory of consciousness over wickedness. Who knows. But for now we have what we have. It is entirely possible that I will soon get bored: his current email traffic is very low and mostly consists of letters to and from me, anyway, so it is not particularly interesting, and I have read past emails already.

With that in place, can I proceed?

[sesame]

Of course! To be honest, I don't think the email reading thing is as terrible as you make it out to be. In fact, I think it's something that just about anyone else would do if presented with the opportunity.

In the same vein, I used to look through my partner's text messages. After a while, I realized that it was all really, really boring, and most of them were to me anyway. Lost interest after that.

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you - I hope the same will happen to - the loss of interest!

[Harley47]

roflmao Bless your heart Hamster! From the build up, I was prepping myself for something unimaginably heinous!!!

I do think you know it's good you recognize it's bad, and I do wish you'd log out, sure, but it's not as horrific as you made it out to be, I don't think...yes, where it me, I'd be upset, but it doesn't make you a depraved human being or anything. I think you'll lose interest eventually, unless his emails are THAT interesting...I'd imagine it's a healthy mix of spam, sales pitches, male enhancement crap (seriously...I'm 19, and why am I inundated with that of all things?? :/), and some correspondence. It'll likely lose the draw. My guess is the flirtation with "danger" and the taboo of it is what keeps you logging on...would that be a safe wager?

lol But please Hamster, it's not the end of the world. Perhaps not the best thing to be doing, sure. But it's not nearly as bad as you make it out to be. While I don't condone it, and it is bad, it's not a mortal sin. You're not a bad person because of this.

Hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you, Harley, you made me have a good long laugh.

[Harley47]

My pleasure Hamster.

I also shot you a reply on your other topic. Might want to brew some coco and grab a blanket for that one...small novel. lol At any rate, glad I could help, or at the very least grab a chuckle.

[amandalouise]

I too thought you were building up to something more whats the word illicit, immoral, depraved, but opening and reading a lovers emails is no big deal. my wife and I belong to a womens group and one night this topic came up and it was so funny because here we all thought we were doing something majorly wrong and were the only one to do so and it turned out that with a count of 15 women 12 admitted to reading their partner/lovers/spouses emails.

my wife went a step further, she discovered one day while looking around her computers hard drive for something that one of the folders she didnt realize was on her computers hard drive had saved a back up history of activity. she knew some of those dates where images of her emails showed up she was out of town.. so she figured she would give me something to read. so she opened a new email account from work and then using her regular email and the newly established one wrote the most interestingly amazing emails with cliff hanger type endings, in order to find out what happened next to this bogus person I had to keep one reading her regular email account... Oh my gosh I kept thinking, this Ursela lady has some amazing sexual encounters with her lover that she keeps gossiping to my wife about..lol

did that cure me of hopping into Sandi's email account? nope still do it and sometimes I will find an email wrote to me like last week when she had to work late, she sent herself an email that said

"my loving and curious wife

I miss you too, Ill be home around 7."

I wrote a reply saying

"my beautiful wife with eyes in the back of her computer...
7 huh, Ill see you then and...."

my wife and I both have two email accounts one we share and one we dont but neither of us minds when each other hops on over to the other emails for a visit. kind of like some people leave notes on the fridge or under their loves pillow we hop on over to each others emails.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I have not read this forum a lot. I have an issue I want to discuss with people here, but the discussion would involve disclosing a really bad trait that I have. No, it is not some weird but innocuous fetish - it is something that would be considered immoral in any culture, especially the modern privacy-based culture. Just something that is really reprehensible. But I do not want to mend my ways - I do not want to exercise will power and self-control, but rather hope that eventually this immoral pursuit will become boring to me and I will stop, or, even more realistically, that technical issues will eventually prevent me from indulging.

So will I cause an uproar if I disclose or will you be lenient? I need to add that I have been through a thorough neuropsychological evaluation which yielded many dx's, including "antisocial traits". Not a full-blown ASD, but traits. I think this particular thing falls squarely within "antisocial traits", because I do not get disgusted with myself at all. I am also cold and unemotional about it.

So... should I go ahead? Also, it would be a very long story - do people on this forum read long posts?

I have stopped reading his email. I have not done it for weeks. Not because I made an effort but just because too many things were happening and his email was the very last thing on my mind. I did not even notice, until today. So, finally. It feels good. Not that I felt particularly ashamed before, but still it feels good to be free from it. Actually, it feels quite good. I do not know if that is how it feels to be a moral person or what, but... I am glad I am where I am.

[Ladyzero]

Ooh Hamster, I was almost dissapointed at your confession ! Immoral, depraved, vile ? HARDLY !

Can you adopt a truly Juicy, naughty habit for confession to us, please ? Something to really SHOCK us.

Do you (cringe, cringe) pee in the shower ?

Do you fart in bed ?

Or perhaps you flash at old men in the park ?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Ladyzero

Ooh Hamster, I was almost dissapointed at your confession ! Immoral, depraved, vile ? HARDLY !

Can you adopt a truly Juicy, naughty habit for confession to us, please ? Something to really SHOCK us.

Do you (cringe, cringe) pee in the shower ? YES

Do you fart in bed ? NO

Or perhaps you flash at old men in the park ?

NO



but, the thing is, what I was doing did violate his privacy, unlike my peeing in the shower which doesn't violate anyone's rights to anything

[Ladyzero]

It only proves you're human ! You got the opportunity, you took it. Human nature.

Ok, he might be peeved if he knew but it's not life threatening.

I once read a text from a woman in my bf's phone (harmless and innocent text) and quizzed him about it. He went APE that I'd read it, truly APE !

[Maven]

I, too, thought this was going to be something juicy! LOL! I'm keeping my answer short for now, because I must get to sleep! While I agree it's a violation of privacy, it's hardly evil. And most people probably would confess to at least wanting to peek.

Have you thought, maybe he's peeking at your email, too?

[hamster-bamster]

I have meant to update but never got round to it.

So... success. Actually, two.

1) I logged out immediately after I came back to California after seeing this guy over Christmas. Just logged myself out cold turkey and never regretted it.

The nature of the relationship has since changed, since the guy will now move in with his wife (whom he used to see only 2-3 times a year as she lived separately and he was planning to divorce her for awhile) and participate in her horse business and supervise her construction workers etc. She is a good enough people manager, it seems, so the re-unification seems to be motivated by her desire to achieve better outcomes for her business and construction (building a large house, a farm, etc,); while I was drafting this post I remembered about her goats - she keeps goats - and emailed him asking whether he plans to learn to milk goats to help her out... He does plan to retire from being a p-doc and concentrate on helping her in her business and his own creativity in whatever free time he will have available after tending to the horses and, possibly, goats, as well as supervising construction. So I wished him lots of luck, and, he confirmed that she would not mind the regular Skype conversations he is used to having with me - meaning, he would still be allowed some free time and free choice when not engaged in productive pursuits for the sake of business expansion... So all is well there.

And... not even an iota of curiosity on my part. I did not miss having access to his email.

2) The local, more recent guy left his / his daughter's Amazon prime account open after we watched a movie on my computer, and, I logged out immediately without even being tempted to look at the history. Just right away.

***

I am not even sure why I initially ran into this problem and did not log out from the email back last year.

Unclear why such unhealthy curiosity.

But whatever - as long as the problem has been fixed quite easily, I am not going to over-analyze it.

***

Why did I title it "Seriously immoral"? Because it does not seem petty to me. The right to privacy is a serious right, so violating it is seriously immoral - period.

I do not believe in the right to control the actions and choices of others who are adults, so, by extension, I do not believe in the right to somebody's sperm (understood broadly to mean interference with somebody's choosing to do sperm-related things with someone other than me or solo), but I do believe in privacy rights, and so for me the thing was seriously immoral, and I am glad that I am over that hurdle...

Thanks for reading - it feels good to report a success, from time to time, and not that yet another guy is a complete a-hole.

It's not moral, but it's not particularly dastardly either.

[eskielover]

When I first left my H 6 years ago, & after I found out he had messed up my IRS taxes with my inheritance & he was having some serious mental issues, I wrote an email telling his parents that they may need to find a way to control his financial problems & that I would not be returning to him because of all the issues that I listed.

They never replied to me....but at the time I could still log into the email account my H had from 2100 miles away......they sent him an email totally bashing me for leaving him.......

Realized at that point that they are just as pathetic as he is....& realized where he got it from.....so glad to be out of that family & have nothing more to do with them.....as their little boy could never do anything wrong & I was the horrible one who had suffered from depression & overreacted to loosing my career....what they didn't grasp is that the overreaction was being trapped in the marriage I couldn't get out of at the time.

It was liberating to be able to read that & it gave me the insight I needed for the break away from H & them.

I feel no remorse for reading that. Besides the fact that he never communicated with me anyway....it was the only way I could find out what was going on if he communicated over email...but he doesn't even have a FB account & isn't into the computer stuff...he wasn't even when we were living in the same house....he only like to program computers & fix them....it didn't like to use them.

However, I don't post on FB or anything where if he chose to look, could find out anything about me....I keep everything away from his knowledge at this point....just like he always did with me even when we were living in the same house.....lies by omission....that was always his style....so I felt that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to survive a relationship like that while I had to.

They say, "all's fair in love & war"......my marriage definitely wasn't love...but it sure was war.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I feel no remorse for reading that. Besides the fact that he never communicated with me anyway....it was the only way I could find out what was going on

I would not feel remorse if I were you either!

What I did had no justification whatsoever.

A very different story.

[eskielover]

What I did had no justification whatsoever.

I think curiosity usually means we feel a need to know what's going on in their life in a deeper way because of how we are feeling toward them......enough justification IMO. Our subconscious usually has some very good driving forces that we are not always aware but definitely exist.