[Big Mama]

hey yall, I now remember how to make a poll. I was curious what kind of sex you guys have. My H and I almost never have passionate sex. It is almost always "there kids are into this movie, we have 3 min, yeah" then run lock ourselves in the bathroom.

My H wants more passionate sex, I'm fine w/ no sex and quickies to tide him over. Just trying to figure out where the happy medium is. What is right for you is not right for me I know, but I just need to know where others stand on this issue.

[hamster-bamster]

I think quick can be quite passionate. So I do not get the divide between quick and passionate.

May be quick versus leisurely instead?

[JadeAmethyst]

Why don't you ask your H what his idea of "passionate sex" is? I know my H and I have totally different versions. That way you don't have to guess and he is expressing and not expecting you to read his mind.

just sayin'

[Big Mama]

My H wants good drawn out sex. I don't want sex at all. If we could both achieve "O" in less then 5 min that would be nice. But he can get his fix. I am not so interested in getting mine. So we can settle for quickie. He almost acts as if a quickie doesn't count at all. If that is the case then he will be very unhappy with seldom but good sex.

It is hard to find the happy medium. Seldom and good.....or....quick, frequent and mediocre sex.

I don't do sex.

It would have been interesting to see how many others don't do it either.

Unfortunately that option wasn't made available.

[Big Mama]

pfrog, that was my first choice. You could only have 4 options, so of those people who do have sex, what kind.

I'm W/ you. NO SEX IS GREAT SEX. AMEN ON NO SEX. To bad H disagrees.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you can post a poll with more than 4 options. But that would need to be a new thread.

I have posted polls with dozens of options on bipolar.

[hamster-bamster]

4 options in a poll is the default setting.

(Maximum: 120)

[JadeAmethyst]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

pfrog, that was my first choice. You could only have 4 options, so of those people who do have sex, what kind.

I'm W/ you. NO SEX IS GREAT SEX. AMEN ON NO SEX. To bad H disagrees.

Big Mama

you're a hoot I enjoy your candor!!!!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

My H wants good drawn out sex.

How would you tolerate good drawn-out sex if you are dissociating from the experience?

[Tamster]

heck I can tolerate long drawn out sex anytime anywhere dispite disociation, we all like it;

[Big Mama]

hamster, he wouldn't mind good drawn out sex w/ me dissociated.

As for me, if it is anything other then a quickie, it is hard for me to stay present. Dissociated is like eating that piece of toast or the rest of that orange, and wondering WOW Where did it go. I don't even know if it was good or not, if I at it or lost it.

Sometimes dissociated sex that is drawn out is just a waste of an hour. His efforts and my time, plus he walk away w/ hurt feelings because it happened for him and I gave up on it happening for me. If I dissociate then I can't help things along or be a active participant in my own happiness. It could be good or be bad dissociated I wouldn't know the difference. I don't know how to stay present or if I want to be present.

Sex should not be this stressful. Isn't it supposed to be a good thing?

[growlycat]

hmmm...a big divide over "what I want" and "what I get"

lonely masturbation doesn't seem to be a choice either lol

[eskielover]

None it the best answer IMO....left him 6 years ago & don't miss him or the sex at all.....didn't miss if for most of the 33 years I was married & lived in the same house as my H either.

Sex was never a high priority in my life on things I liked to do

[shezbut]

I have a difficult time staying present in the moment as well. I would prefer to be mindful and enjoy the experience ~ THAT would be wonderful! It's hard not to dissociate though. I don't think that we have much control over that aspect, but maybe I'm wrong.

It's nice that your hub wants you to get pleasure from the experience. Have you always dissociated during sex, or is it somewhat new? I know that you were SA, and I'm curious if you've consistently dissociated since or if there have been some times when you've been able to stay present in the moment.

There have been times when I haven't dissociated, in the first couple of years with my bf, but the last year or so I've had trouble with it. Before my current bf, I always dissociated with my ex-hub and previous bf's. {That's why I ask.}

[Big Mama]

Eskie as I stated earlier, No sex is GOOD sex. Suits me fine. Twice a year is a great fit for me. Thanks for responding.

Shez I had completely meaningless sex w/ an ex boyfriend for a year, who was unconcerned about what I got from it. That suited me fine. There was no expectation of emotional connection or sexual pleasure. I could have no expectation sex forever.

With my H I dissociated from the beginning. Lots of times I was scared and pressured w/ my H. He did a lot of things similar to my abuser. ( In his defense I didn't tell him what my abuser didd until 2 months ago.) He never made me, or was not manipulative, but often I did feel like it was easier to just give into him to shut him up. That caused dissociation. Very few times in the 18 years that we have been married have I been "present". Those times good sex was possible, but since my H knew what good sex looked like w/ us, I developed "performance anxiety". That didn't help either.

I just hate sex and would rather not go there at all.

[intergalactictraveler]

Why in no sex great sex? Unless you've been the victim of abuse before marriage or starting your relationship OR verbal/emotional/physical abuse in the relationship, sex is a marker of both emotional and physical health, bringing pleasure and closeness to both people. To proudly proclaim that NO SEX IS GREAT SEX indicates problems that aren't being dealt with. Sometimes it's hormonal issues and that goes for men or women with libido/desire/performance issues.

[Big Mama]

intergalatic, I have been the victin of abuse before marriage. Rape when I was 15 for the duration of 9 months. After meeting my H and we got married verbal and emotional abuse was a huge issue in our relationship. Things are getting better now after 18 years, I jsut don't want to be close to anyone that way. Not sex, not nonsexual touches. No hugs from friends, or pats on the shoulder or back. No holding hands, it is not just against my Hubby, it is touch in general from anyone, and espicially sex. That requires lots of touch in lots of places.

[1Buster]

How can both partners be happy in a marriage w/o sex if one wants it and one doesn't care? That's not a hypothetical question, I really want to know. It's a problem right now.

*Here's a question: How does a dude who wants to have sex (and has ADHD, Anxiety, Dep., etc.) approach his wife, who generally seems disinterested in sex (maybe b/c her husband's issues make him act like an a-hole sometimes), to get the desired result? This is in a family with elementary school aged kids so we have almost no time alone.

[Big Mama]

1Buster, I have no idea, we have 3 kids, they cling to me, want me to get them stuff, the house is always a mess, and then H comes home and then he wants to be all over me. CAN"T EVERYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. A sexless marriage is not a good choice, but sometimes it is the only choice. at least it is for the person who takes care of the kids. Coming home from work w/ a table set before you and a clean house, and happy kids is no easy feat. the stress of meeting others needs above your own is a bad place to be.

[growlycat]

1Buster--Maybe it would help to have time to discuss what she wants from intimacy? If you focus on her needs first--sexual, emotional, even helping around the house--I think most women might reciprocate big-time.

I dunno...its been awhile

We often do the long drawn out variety but only because we get to bed at about the same time and one thing leads to another. There is less pressure on this type of intercourse because to me it feels like an exploration more than anything. Which is what it often is. Sometimes it doesn't turn into sex, sometimes it does.

[Big Mama]

helping around the house, and being conscious of my needs of of the bed room is a huge plus. It crtinly increases the likelyhood of me sharing. But when help comes with the expectation of "Payment". I'd rather do the dishes by my self. Help me because you want to not because you want the prize for being a good helper.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Why in no sex great sex? Unless you've been the victim of abuse before marriage or starting your relationship OR verbal/emotional/physical abuse in the relationship, sex is a marker of both emotional and physical health, bringing pleasure and closeness to both people. To proudly proclaim that NO SEX IS GREAT SEX indicates problems that aren't being dealt with. Sometimes it's hormonal issues and that goes for men or women with libido/desire/performance issues.

Before the marriage there were serious issues that I realized about his personality & I wanted to call off the wedding because of.....I didn't want to be married to an arrogant person who wanted everything served to him on a silver platter without having to work for things....however that's now how he saw himself & even though he was 22 & I was 21.....my mother convinced me that he would grow up & become more responsible when he HAD TO when life put him in difficult situations. Life did & he didn't.....he now blames it on his ADD....at least he now has an excuse for it rather than just being the horrible jerk I always saw him as & I didn't trust him to make any good important decisions & since I had the business degree, I really didn't trust him farther than I could throw him. Having sex with someone I didn't trust just wasn't appealing....having sex with someone who fought me on everything in our life because we definitely didn't see things at all the same....really NOTHING.

We had sex one too many times & we ended up with our daughter.....& I have to admit, he was good with kids....as good with them as I wasn't. I tolerated him for 33 years the last 13, we just lived under the same roof......when I have negative feelings about someone, having sex with them is the last thing I want if the other things that are seriously important to the marriage can't be resolved....having sex wouldn't change what was seriously wrong & he didn't want to change.

Before we got married I even listed all the things that I wasn't going to compromise on....getting my degree was tops & I also pointed out that I didn't want to have children because I wasn't good with them & didn't have the patience to be a good mother. 2 years after getting married I got pregnant.....first thing he told me was that I could just take a few years off & get my degree later.....I was 10 months away from getting my degree when our daughter was born....boy was I angry....hit just blew off the top 2 issues I went into the marriage with.....I told him where he could take his ideas & threw him out of the apartment. My parents stepped in to take care of our daughter was so thankful....but that was just another nail into the marriage coffin. Financial irresponsibility was another huge nail in toe marriage coffin also & when depression hit me 20 years after we got married when I lost my career to hide away from the marriage in....I found out that he had no ability to take care of any financial medical bills & the collection agencies....I realized I was so much better off having to take care of myself being alone than feeling like I should be able to depend on him being married...just couldn't get my mind around being married to someone & not being able to trust them to take care of the things I would take care of if they were in the same situation....it might not sound like abuse.....but it definitely felt like it & the anger got to the point all I could see was red any time I got close to him.....definitely NOT a condition that lent to having sex of any kind with him.

having sex means everything to me. being connected, the passion. My H has a healthy appetite only for someone else. I know, why put up with it, I know what I have to do. we enjoy sex when we have it. I'm 60 yrs old and I still want the intimacy and the closeness and definitely having the moment of pleasure. Don't think a person can ever be too old to enjoy sex.