How to cope with fetish - need advice, please!

Hello!
My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years, and although I love him without question, our sex life has been, for me, unsatisfying until recently, when I finally had the courage to reveal my lifelong fetish to him.

After his initial shock, he wants me to embrace my needs, and he is very excited to explore further, and expand upon this fetish. While I am overjoyed, by his response, and for his not shunning me - I am very confused and afraid of how much I enjoy our sex life now.

My fetish involves, both, edged weapons and firearms. For some reason, I crave the feel of a blade against my skin, or the barrel of a gun. My husband has really jumped into this - he has made several purchases, including assault rifles, and even something he calls, an 'anti-tank' round.

I don't know what to do - although I'm very much satisfied sexually, now, I'm so ashamed and humiliated, by what it takes to bring me to orgasm. Please help!

Ideas, or?

Hi Traumerin and welcome to psychcentral. I don't think you should be hard on yourself with this fetish, because its not morally wrong since you're both consenting. IMO part of what fuels a fetish, is the forbidden factor..... so your acceptance might make the fetish have a decreased hold on you. Its not any different than someone who's into S&M. If the fetish was hurting someone else, or forced upon another person, then its reason for concern.

Are the firearms loaded? I wouldn't advise loading them, to avoid them accidentally going off. Do store them in a safe place if children are around. As long as the fetish doesn't interfere with normal life and you both feel content in your sex life I wouldn't worry. You're also fortunate your husband is fine role playing with you. If you feel unsettled then speak to a therapist and best of luck.

Hi Lynn and thanks for your response!

Your post made much sense. Funny you had mentioned, S&M, as I am also an extreme Masochist and perhaps is another reason I have this fetisch?
I know, I shouldn't be ashamed, but I am, of both.

In some cases, the gun will have a full mag, but nothing in the chamber. Other times I am blindfolded, but my husband assures me, its fine, and to trust him, which I have.

I've considered, yes, to talk to a therapist - but I need to gain courage to first. (I hope that makes sense)

Hello Traumerin, and welcome to the club! There are many of us on here who also have our own fetishes and fantasies. I personally have a Nazi/Hitler fetish and enjoy dressing in Nazi uniform and seeing others wear the uniform. It's perfectly normal to feel ashamed. I also experience guilt and shame from time to time, especially when I was first getting used to my fetish. But I realized that I was not hurting anyone in any way, and though my fantasy is controversial, it's nothing for anyone to debate on. You are very lucky to have found a partner who is enthusiastic about your fetish. I have yet to find someone who is both attractive and into my fetish. Your rape fantasies are actually the most common fantasy of all, many, many women have fantasies of being held at gunpoint or by knife and raped. Lots of women enjoy being dominated by men, it's a very popular fantasy. I hope you know that you are not alone! There are lots of women out there who are in the same position as you!

DrSkipper thanks for your reply!

I understand also the problems with having a 'Nazi' fetisch
It was especially difficult in Germany, because of laws, however, quite common. Although, somewhat shameful, being my heritage.
A man in either feld grau, or the more notable uniform of the SS, has always been a desire of mine and yes my husband is yes, wonderful, for his support, and his willingness, to accept me and my needs.
Depending on where you live - there are groups for Nazi fetischism.

As long as everything's consensual and doesn't hurt anyone else, having a fetish should be enjoyed. You may or may not know why you have a particular fetish or fantasy, but I only think you need to delve into the why if you're seriously bothered with it. I don't think therapy helps much with changing sexual fantasies, anyway. Just enjoy it, and if anyone judges you for it, just turn and walk away. They aren't worth your time.

I would be too hard on yourself about it. I would discourage using loaded firearms though as accident tend to happen, but I guess if the gun isn't loaded then it takes away from the danger and excitement of it. I think fear play is common fetish for people. I think bondage falls into a similar category. But bondage being more power less to control what happens and fear being affraid to control what happens, but with Tue addition of stress and a racing heart from being in danger and out of control.

I don't think you should feel ashamed or humilated about it. Embrace what you tale pleasure in as long as it isn't hurtful to yourself or marriage or either of you or your partners mental well being.

Me and my wife enjoy bondage and domination/submission. It is not the norm, but it gets thing exciting and more enjoyable. Feeling powerless brings a sense of danger and risk. Feeling in control bring a senseof trust from your partner. You trust you partner enough to participate in risky behaivor, I would be ashamed in that. It also sounds like he enjoys it as well so I don't what is wrong about it.

No need to be ashamed, though the inclusion of ammo is worrying-- is there a way for your husband to situate the scene so that he might be able to convince you that there is ammo in the gun when there is none? Theatrics can go a long way, especially for the top/dominant, and being aware of those tactics could likely more than compensate.

There is a name for what you're into, though, and you are far from alone: Edgeplay - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Hello

I have a huge Straitjacket fetish and I'm a sub and love to be dominated in a straitjacket and my wife knows and tries to be accepting about it. My love for being in a straitjacket is so powerful that when we engage in normal sex I cant reach orgasm or maintain an erection half the time with out being in my straitjacket. I know my wife doesn't really like the fact that I love being restrained in a straitjacket but like I said she does it for me but it feels like a chore, she just wants to make me cum and then take it off of me. There are two things I can think of for my problem that I can see, one is to get rid of my straitjackets and never be in them again and just think about them while having normal sex. Two- keep them and just never ask her to put me in them again. I have tried to not ask her for weeks now but its all I can think about and I know she's just not into it. Is there a way that I could get her into it or is there a way for me to get ”out of my fetish” ?? Please any advice you could give me would help me. Because to tell you the truth I really don't want to give them up and the thought of never being restrained in a straitjacket just makes me ill. If you need more information from me please do not hesitate to ask me.

Thank you

Depends on your definition of "normal". If somebody has a kink, but their partner does not, then it requires some negotiating.

Could you both reach a compromise? Is she okay with restraining you in another manner? Will you be satisfied with that?

Well; I also have a tremendous straitjacket fetish, but only for leather and rubber or latex jackets, especially with attached hoods. My wife was hesitant to get to involved until I had a leather SJ made up for her and she found out how enjoyable it can be to be bound and brought to orgasm through 'mechanical' stimulation. Now we switch and play quite often, and we have been married for almost 40 years. Good luck,
Jack

A simple question (which I have asked myself many times): Why should we people who engage in and enjoy fetishes, which we did not ask for, feel shame and humiliation?

I believe I know the source(s) of my fetishes. When I told my psychologist about some incidents that happened to me when I was very young, she expressed amazement that I hadn't developed fetishes. Then I told her that I had indeed developed the very fetishes that she was thinking of. Since then, I have had many productive discussions with her and with two other psychologists.

I now believe, very strongly, that my fetishes are an indelible part of my personality. I will readily admit that I still feel some shame about them, but it's nothing like it used to be. After all, how could anyone living in our society not feel shame when we are constantly bombarded with sex-negative rhetoric by the media, conservative politicians, and fundamental religionists?

Other

Dvlchris said, "Is there a way that I could get her into it or is there a way for me to 'get out' of my fetish?"

I have been in counselling for more than five years, primarily for PTSD, but also for my fetishes. I've also read a great deal about fetishes and sexual psychology.

I'm sorry to say that no one has ever found a safe way to stop fetish activity, or to start it for that matter. There are drugs that can suppress sexual desire, and kill the desire for fetish activity. But it's a lifetime deal: stop the drug, and the fetishes return. The only other option is emasculation, and no one wants that! The bottom line: Unless you are some sort of a superman who can control your autonomic nervous system, you are a fetishist and will always be a fetishist. But there's another story, and that has to do with your own self-acceptance and your wife's acceptance of your fetish.

You need to understand that there is nothing wrong with your fetish. You are not a pervert, or mentally ill, or even weird. Wearing a straitjacket, for whatever reason, is a simply a requirement for you to have an orgasm. It may have started when you were a baby wrapped tightly in a blanket, or someone restrained you tightly, and at the same time had a sexual response simply because people respond sexually to any number of stimuli, few of which we understand. (I sometime get a strong erection just thinking of buying something that I really want to have — a new camera, for example. I can even get an erection walking into a library, perhaps because in my pre- and early teens, I users to straight to the anatomy books to look at diagrams of sex organs.) In any even, and regardless of the cause of your fetish, you gotta use a straightjacket to achieve orgasm, and you pretty much have to have orgasms because you're a human (read "mammal"). Besides, orgasms are good for prostate health.

What to do? Learn as much as you can about sexuality and especially fetishes. And ignore stupid web sites that allow complete idiots to inform you that you're "sick" or need to accept Jesus. And remember this: no sexual act is deviant unless it harms you or someone else. Judging any sexual act as good or bad, evil or blessed, right or wrong must go right out the window. If "normal" sexual behaviour— vaginal intercourse — is the only proper behaviour, then most of us are doomed.

About your wife: She may not be "into it," but let's assume that she's "into you." Which means that it's vital to her and to you for you to be satisfied sexually. Your emotional and even possibly your physical health will be imperiled if you are unable to engage in your fetish. She really has to change her mindset about this, or risk damaging your relationship and your health. It really is her problem, and she is the only one who can improve the situation. If she is not willing to change and be more accepting of your needs, it means that your are sexually incompatible, and that's not any way for a marriage to be successful.

Short story: I've had a need to wear panties since I as in my teens. I can easily achieve an orgasm if I'm not wearing panties, but it's just that much more pleasurable if I'm wearing panties. And, for more than 40 years, I didn't wear panties except when I was alone at home. Finally, I could no longer live what was, by omission, a lie, so I told my wife about it, emphasizing that my wearing of panties wasn't just a desire, but a deep-seated need. I also told her about other, more "extreme" fetishes I had enjoyed since childhood. She listened quietly, and when I was finished said that she was amazed that I'd been able to keep my secrets for so long. She said that my fetishes didn't bother her, so I could wear panties whenever I wished, and continue to enjoy my other fetishes as long as I didn't expect her to join me. And then she said, "Is that all?" I've got some other things I need to do." A few days after that, she went shopping with me for panties. My panties!

Good luck,

Other