How long do you guys feel is the appropriate amount of time to be with someone before giving into sex?

[LiteraryLark]

It really depends on person to person.

I've been with my guy for over a month and we're no way ready for sex.

However, my best friend has had sex with guys way before a month.

Whenever you feel ready, there is no rush.

[Maven]

There's no specific time. It's just when it feels right to you, when you feel he respects you and cares about you, and isn't pushing you into it until you're ready.

[RomanSunburn]

It worries me that you use the term "giving in." To me, that suggests you're not ready or feel like you're being persuaded against your will. When you're ready, it's something you both want and, like Maven said, you should feel respected, safe, and comfortable talking about what you want, what you feel, and what you would do/how you would feel about consequences, whatever they might be.

On a side note and as an outlier, my hubs and I waited four years, and no, we didn't wait til the wedding night. It was also a mutual waiting; he wanted to wait as much as I did, if not more.

[Harley47]

I agree with Roman. It shouldn't be a matter of "giving in." It should be a matter that you're both ready and willing for, and indeed happy to have. "Giving in" denotes you're just running through the motions, which isn't a good thing.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

How long do you guys feel is the appropriate amount of time to be with someone before giving into sex?

Never, for the reasons noted by RomanSunburn and Harley.

The choice of words is very important - if you chose to phrase your question the way you did, consciously or subconsciously, does not matter, it means that you should not have sex with the guy(s) you are considering at the moment.

Very simple.

[wistful]

When you want to show the love you feel, when you feel it. I agree, be sure he cares, test him, many will lie about their feelings to get it.

[Trippin2.0]

When you are ready.
You will know that you are ready because your mind, body and spirit will be in agreement with the "yes".

If there is any doubt, its a flat out "no".
Also I want to echo Roman and Harley's posts...

Your choice of words speak volumes and in response to that, I would just like to present the following question to you:

"Give in" is tantamount to being defeated, why are you so very interested in being defeated?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

"Give in" is tantamount to being defeated, why are you so very interested in being defeated?

+

bow, cave (in), yield, submit, succumb, surrender...

I'm sorry for my poor choice of phrasing.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

I'm sorry for my poor choice of phrasing.

The point that has been made throughout the thread is that your choice was not poor (versus stellar), but MEANINGFUL!

So nothing to be sorry about here.

[Harley47]

Agreed. Nothing to be sorry about...it's just the connotation of "giving in" means a lot of negative things. If it was a simple word choice, then that changes the entire dynamic of the topic. Otherwise, "giving in" does implying that you would be, in part or in full, doing something against your full will, which we would never advise.

Whenever it is right time, you won't ask about it... just go with flow...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

How long do you guys feel is the appropriate amount of time to be with someone before giving into sex?

The thread has addressed the "giving in" part exhaustively, so now I want to address the "appropriate amount of time" part.

I have never tried to standardize and quantify this process on an ex ante basis, but I can comment on what has happened to me ex post, over the years.

My stats, from meeting someone to sex:

1) shortest time = the night of meeting a guy. (just a few cases)

2) longest time = 12 years (1 case)

And a small bunch of datapoints in-between.

Looking back, each approach has its pros and cons. The only thing that you need to realize that it is EITHER OR, but not both. The suspense part inherent in waiting longer (I have never tried planning to wait longer in a cooperative fashion, though, when two people make a conscious joint decision to postpone sex - I have never tried it and I just do not see myself ever trying it, because it seems too cognitive to me, but I have definitely extended the time on my own) is valuable, but the instant attraction part is valuable too, but you cannot have BOTH - it is either or.

Likewise, you can write a short story or you can write a multi-chapter novel, and both genres have a lot going for them and are valuable etc., but a novel cannot be a short story and a short story cannot be a novel, and there is no perfect genre.

So in essense it is a question of genre, for me.

There are things that you can get a bit of each. Say, there is pleasure in having sex with your eyes closed, and a different kind of pleasure in having sex while watching your partner, and you can alternate between the two for the optimal experience.

But you cannot do that with deciding when to have sex - if you do that early on, you forego the suspense and tension build-up value, and if you do that later on, you forego the value of instant spontaneous attraction.

With me it was probably just after a week, but we had chemistry and everything.

I think a good time would be when you are comfortably in showing him your body without feeling that he will make fun of you and/or when your hormones override your common sense, whichever comes first.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

How long do you guys feel is the appropriate amount of time to be with someone before giving into sex?

I was listening to an audio book and the mention of "give in" - see in bold in the quotation below - reminded me of your question.

From Lolita by Nabokov:

"
When the bride is a widow and the groom is a widower; when the former has lived in Our Great Little Town for hardly two years, and the latter for hardly a month; when Monsieur wants to get the whole damned thing over with as quickly as possible, and Madame gives in with a tolerant smile; then, my reader, the wedding is generally a "quiet" affair. "

So in the book Madame wants the Monsieur to marry her - she writes him a letter with a proposal. And yet, she "gives in". Another synonym used in the audiobook was "surrender", but I cannot find the right quote online.

So another way to view your question is according to the more or less Victrorian stereotypes of female and male behavior. According to those stereotypes, the female should not be too enthusiastic. Even if she feels enthusiastic, she should not show it. She should still put up a little fight, say "no-no, please, no!" and yet, later, "give in".

So that would be another read of your question, but then you need to poll people who have personal experience upholding Victorian stereotypes. Maybe there is even some formal guidance on the web, with numbers.

[adam_k]

I would say this is a personal choice. I would think about how sex may change your releationship and weigh out the pros and cons. Sex can add closeness and intimacy. It can also add complications and dangers, such as std's and pregnancy. There is also the risk of being taken advantage of, such as the guy sleeping with you and then not coming back. I think after a couple months you have a pretty food idea of his intentions and character. With my wife, I think it was like 3 weeks before we had sex. Although I was infatuated and we spent just about every night together after the first few days we meet. I think you will know when you are ready, and if there is something in the pit of your stomache wondering if it is right, then you are probable not ready.

I guess I'm trying to find the line between being a slut and having unrealistic expectations on how long the guy should be willing to wait. If I can't say "not now but maybe in X amount of time" is it really fair to him to be in a relationship with no certainty that it's going to happen?

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

I guess I'm trying to find the line between being a slut and having unrealistic expectations on how long the guy should be willing to wait. If I can't say "not now but maybe in X amount of time" is it really fair to him to be in a relationship with no certainty that it's going to happen?

I don't know if there is any expectation warranted of a guaranty that there will be any sex when a relationship begins. Relationships develop... or not
I don't think there is a norm. If it's a good relationship the guy should be willing to wait until you're ready. I guess that theoretically that means you may have to wait until he is ready
You shouldn't feel compelled to give the guy some sex just because he hung in there long enough to get his reward. I don't think it should be assumed that the ultimate goal of a good relationship is to get in your pants
Also just as an afterthought... if I met someone and our first date included sex I wouldn't consider either of us a sluts. I could say a lot more about that but it would just overcomplicate things.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

I guess I'm trying to find the line between being a slut and having unrealistic expectations on how long the guy should be willing to wait. If I can't say "not now but maybe in X amount of time" is it really fair to him to be in a relationship with no certainty that it's going to happen?

I don't think giving him a timeline is a good idea. What if x month comes along and you are not ready? It will it may add more frustration than anything. I would try to be open and honest with him about it. That is part of a healthy releationship, to be able to be honest and have your feelings/needs respected. If he is resptful of your needs he will understand. I'm not saying he won't ask for sex or tell you that is something he is ready for, but he shouldn't make you feel pressured. Sex should come naturally and you will now when you have that level of trust with someone.

Also, having sex too soon can make things complicated. If you are not ready and he coherences you into it, you are sacrificing your own needs for hid. That isn't something you want as part of a healthy releationship. Having sex too soon can also make him lack respect for you. If he feels like he can pressure you into things, then he can walk all over your feelings and needs.

If I had to put a time on it, I would say ,2 weeks is too soon and a after a year the feeling may not be there. The first time I had sex I just knew. I felt a large sense of trust in my partner and I was willing to expierence the closeness sex brings. There is nothing else like it and you feel much more connected to the person when you are ready. I hope things work out and don't forget you own needs.

That seems good but this

Having sex too soon can also make him lack respect for you. If he feels like he can pressure you into things, then he can walk all over your feelings and needs.

... I'd see that as an opportunity, not that I'd suggest using it as a test. But it would let you know something that would be good to know... this guy isn't someone you'd want

[Malachite]

Dear Courtney,

The progression towards intimacy, cannot be quantified in the context of time; it is truly timeless. It may only take a heart beat for a couple, as their eyes meet for the first time. For others, it may take days, weeks, months or even years.

It is never a good idea to acquiesce to sex for any reason. It is a trap, young, inexperienced women fall into. They are not ready for sex. Yet, they acquiesce to sex out of fear of losing their partner, resulting in a loss of self respect, as well as a loss of respect of their partner.

Delaying sex, out of fear of being characterized a "slut", is also not constructive. Engaging in sex requires trust, and entails a substantial amount of emotional risk. If you truly believe a guy would characterize you, or any woman, a slut, than you need to move on. He doesn't deserve you, or anyone else.

Also, recognize dating is not always formal. Fraternizing with a classmate, after class over a period of a couple of months could easily result in a sexual encounter, i.e., provided the requisite mutual attraction is present.

In summary, you will know when the time is right, just like you know when you are ready to sleep, or ready to have a meal; it will be an emotional epiphany. There is never a place for acquiescence or pro forma delay.

Larry

[eskielover]

Court Knee,

I know that you have moral values that you hold onto.....& I know that there is NOTHING WRONG in waiting until after you are married....& there is nothing wrong if the match is right for the person to also be willing to wait......if they are pushing you & they want to end the relationship because of your values....they they aren't the right person in the first place.....if they are a good match then they will have the same values as you in the first place & will completely understand where you are coming from.....if not.....maybe they seriously are the wrong person for you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Malachite

In summary, you will know when the time is right, just like you know when you are ready to sleep, or ready to have a meal; it will be an emotional epiphany. There is never a place for acquiescence or pro forma delay.

Amen.

And Malachite is a lovely username.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Court_Knee

I guess I'm trying to find the line between being a slut and having unrealistic expectations on how long the guy should be willing to wait. If I can't say "not now but maybe in X amount of time" is it really fair to him to be in a relationship with no certainty that it's going to happen?

If there is any likelihood that you would think that you are a slut (regardless of the length of X), you should not have sex until you correct your cognitive mistakes.

Also, since you write about it in an extremely cold, cognitive, and detached fashion, I do not think that you really need sex for yourself right now, so I would wait until your sexuality goes through a process of natural maturation. Female sexuality is often like cheese or wine in that it matures and becomes better with age. So I would wait. Someone who is so emotionally detached is going to have a pretty meaningless and mechanistic experience of sex, and I do not think it is worth it. You have never mentioned desire, connection, lust, longing, or anything else that is not cognitive.